Mother has the "C" word.

[Anonymous]

Still thinking of you Butterfly and sending you strength in the form of cyber energy (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~).

Prayers too...enough to last 'til next week, I hope, as I'm away!

(((((((((Butterfly)))))))))

GFN

[Butterfly]

I just feel very frustrated and faintly guilty right now.  Language barrier really limits communication, but what's even more frustrating is the perpetual problem of generational gap.  Arrrrrggghhhh!!!  Today, I expressed to my mother how I felt about her in terms of my feelings toward her on how she is acting towards me.  Instead of taking my words as just an expression of my vented frustration toward her.  She went bananas and went emotionally haywired on me.  It's the woe is me syndrome she had.  All I wanted her to know is that I felt used and devalued when she treats me more like her personal secretary than her daughter.   Instead, she accused me of blaming her, criticising her for being a bad mother.  And how can you criticize me when you know my health is so bad and what you said to me will send me to my grave earlier than my disease.  She is trying to blame me for causing her health to decline because of my words.  Yep, my dear old mother is very quick to read off her list of all the things I'm doing "wrong".  She is trying to make me feel guilty for having negative feelings toward her and expressing it.  How dare I point out what you don't like about what I'm doing!  That's my right not yours.  This is her distorted way of seeing herself    Somehow, I'm at fault for not believing she is a mother who can do no wrong.   In her eyes all her criticisms of me growing up were for my own good.  No matter how much I tried to reason with her that it does harm to a child who constantly hears criticism from his mother.  She refuses to try to understand where I'm coming from.  Perhaps, she truly can't understand that based on the type of environment she grew up in.  But, still she can at least try to understand.  And I would have been satisfied with that.   She can't and refuses to understand I have feelings that can be hurt too.  In the past, I would feel so guilty and ashame for how she would react to me from expressing my feelings.  But, I had enough with being taken for granted.  Just because she has cancer doesn't give her the right to devalue me.  Today I made sure she knew that.   How typical of her to criticize me and want to believe anything negative I say about her is meant to hurt her and I should be ashamed of myself for that and ask God to forgive me.  It's so damn frustrating for me that my own mother doesn't understand or care to understand that my negative feelings of her are valid and need to be respected not ridiculed.  Why can't she understand that my feelings are as important and legitimate as hers.  Why does she have to fall to pieces and think woe is me, my own daughter is criticizing me.  I'm the mother, I'm always right.  The sad thing is she will never see my feelings as legitimate as hers.

I just needed to release my fume.  Thanks for hearing me.

Butterfly

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Butterfly,

I just read your post today.  I'm sorry about your M's cancer.  I can't imagine having to navigate taking care of an N Mom with cancer.  You have amazing strength.

Sounds like some of the anger in your grieving came up today.  It's strange that no matter how many times I go through the grief process I still fail to recognize the various stages while I'm experiencing them.  Afterwards I realize what was going on - but at the time the grief can really send me into some serious emotional swings. 

I hope you remember to take good care of yourself during this time.  You really need it - sounds like tremendous stress.

((((Butterfly))))

chutzbagirl

[Sela]

Dear Butterfly:

It is very frustrating to keep pounding your head against a brick wall.  Does it seem like that's what it's like....trying to communicate your needs to your mother?  She just doesn't hear you and that is so frustrating and seems like that to me, and very, very sad.

(((((((((Butterfly)))))))))

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.  Also keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Wish there was more that would be of use that I could offer.

Sela/GFN

[lynne]

Hi Butterfly,

Your mom sounds alot like mine.  I know the rage, pain, frustration, and feelings of shame that come with having a mom who can't see or hear me.  Can you take a break for a few days and take some time to take care of yourself?  When my mom starts the blame game, I leave immediately, and when I get home I tell myself over and over again that her words are her illness (NPD) talking, and if she were healthy she wouldn't treat me like that.  It helps me detach from the situation.  Then when I am away from her, I decide how much contact I will have with her.  What I will do while around her, and how long I will stay.  This helps me to keep from feeling used by her.  When she starts her stuff, refusing to react helps me too.  I say "oh really", or "how interesting", then I process my own feelings when I am away from her.  I do this because I know that apologies from her will not be coming, and any attempt I make to get her to hear or see me will be futile.  And I remind myself over and over that it is okay to feel the way I feel about my mother, and even though she can't hear or see me, it's still okay for me to feel what I feel.

You have so much to deal with right now in dealing with her N characteristics and her cancer.  Take good care of yourself. ((((((Butterfly))))))

Lynne

[Butterfly]

Thanks for the hugs, Chutzagirl, Sela, and Lynne!!!!!

They were badly needed and felt great.  You guys are amazing.  You all are part of my comforting angels.  Thanks so much!

The talk I had with my mother was much needed.  Today, she is so much nicer to me.  How amazing is that?!  I felt good that I stood my ground with my mother.  It paid off.  After the melodrama she pulled off on me yesterday, she is now more cheerful and pleasant toward me.  It's a nice change for sure, kinda unexpected and strange.  My words seem to have penetrated.  If not, then she is a good pretender.  She realizes she needs me, so maybe that is why she is now trying to get on my good side.  It's hard to tell whether she is being genuine or pretentious.  I don't know for sure.   But whatever it is, that's not my problem.  Last night, I felt slightly guilty for causing her grief.  Like somehow I was being overly mean to her and shouldn't be so forthright with her.  Yeah, I felt kinda bad for it.  But, today, the guilt feeling is completely lifted off my shoulder and I'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself.  For the first time in a long time, I clearly see that it wasn't anything I said or did toward her that was wrong.  She brought it upon herself for not accepting my words.  So I wash my hands of her maladaptive behavior.  That's her problem not mine.  I wasn't about to let her get away with not letting her know how I felt before she passes on.  I wouldn't have peace with myself if I let it slide.  My stress comes from feeling unappreciated and not value.  Once I get those needs met, I'm happy as a clam and willing to go the extra mile for anybody.  So hopefully, my mother recognized the added stress she was causing me.

By the way,  Sela, luv the name.

Butterfly

[October]

 Instead, she accused me of blaming her, criticising her for being a bad mother. 

Your mother's reaction could so much be my own mother with the denial and the anger, Butterfly.  It was uncanny.

Something that struck me when reading it is that she cannot accept that her parenting was not the best for you, because she would not only lose her own 'sainted mother' status, but she would also lose her own fantasy 'sainted mother.'  (This may not be true of you, though.  Your grandmother might have been a lovely woman.  This is from thinking of my own family.)

I think that would be beyond my mother to achieve.  I imagine her standing before St Peter and being asked either to accept the truth or turn her back on entering the pearly gates.  My mother I believe would turn her back and remain outside through eternity, rather than let go of her illusions.

Which is how (imo) Ns create their own eternity.  As do we all.

[Butterfly]

October wrote:
she would not only lose her own 'sainted mother' status, but she would also lose her own fantasy 'sainted mother

My goal was to dethrown her off her own pedestal which she had fantasized.  Someone had to show her the truth...might as well be me.

Butterfly

[October]

My goal was to dethrown her off her own pedestal which she had fantasized.  Someone had to show her the truth...might as well be me.

Butterfly

I agree that you had to tell her the truth.  But the reason I would consider that to be important would not be to do with her hearing the truth, however satisfying that is.

The main reason for me and you telling these people the truth is that it is the right thing for us; we become truth tellers, rather than liers and deniers.  That is for our benefit. 

At some point each one of these Ns and Cos had to make a choice; to go with the fantasy world, or to face up to the truth and take the reality road.  They each made their choices, and like a motorway, sometimes another slip road doesn't come along for a long long time.  Perhaps not ever.

We have escaped the motorway, and finding those lovely country roads, we never want to go back to the crowded urban congestion, the overheating, the millions of people all going in the same direction without ever knowing where they are going.

But you did well, imo, to try to show your mother what reality is. 

[Butterfly]

Hey October,

You've made a good point.  You're right.  I did it for myself.  What's encouraging is that I am seeing the positive results of my effort.  In the long run, it is not my mother whom I have to live with for the rest of my life, it is me.  To not be true to myself would be like disowning part of me.  I wouldn't be able to have peace of mind or be able to live with myself.  I would just be doing myself a big disservice by not sticking up for my rights.  And the only person who is responsible for it is me.  I've done a lot of self-blaming since I was very young and still do because I had believed the messages my mother had given me through her selfish, insensitive, manipulating and hurtful words to me.  This believe system is so ingrained in my psyche that it is almost impossible for me to disspelled it from my head.  The demons inside my head are still alive and kicking.  But one thing I've learned recently is that in order to free myself from this dungeon, I have to retrace every step that led me to this pit in the first place.  From there, I can start to backtrack to daylight where I can feel more alive.  Somehow, someway I have to learn how to reclaim my lost and denied self in order to feel fully alive again.  I've only begun this process.  As painful and arduous as this journey is for me, I know of no other way.  Believe me, I tried others ways.  But I've ended falling back in square one again.  It never fails.  Truly, I don't think there is a short cut to healing my childhood wounds.

Butterfly