re: married 8 mos, 2 mos pregnant and thinking of leaving N husband

[A guest]

I never chat in forums but I will leave this one message bcos I am very confused.  My H has a father who was alcoholic and by extension narcissistic, an enabling mother and I think that he and his brother, luckily not inheriting the alcoholism, managed to get the negativity and narcissism. I don't know what it all means except that he has said that about his dad being N and i've realized lately that he and his brother are VERY similar to his dad- things like not caring what others think or want, not very warm, strong insecurity, sarcasm and not very ovious hostility etc.

Things specifically my H does- tells me I am a know-it-all though he is often the one who swears he is right, tells me I start ALL the fights, thinks others are very critical and out to get him when he actually criticizes and complains about others a lot, has violent shouting and cursing matches when he is in a situation that he doesn't like, and often talks about what others have done or are doing to him. Is this narcissism??

I am 2 months pregnant unplanned and seeing how things are from just 3 years of knowing him, 8 months of which in marriage, I am thinking that I may need to get out and save this baby from something that seems a vicious cycle and possibly traceable 3 generations back in the men in his family.  My own father has narcissistic tendencies- I don't want this going on.

The hardest part of this is that I wonder if I am being selfish in not letting a father be in his child's life if I move far away so that he isn't near to influence the child.  I want to say that I am protecting the child. What are my odds of the child making it thru ok, especially if it's a boy, if I stay with him? What is the right thing to do? I tried to talk to him about shouting and how damaging it will be to a child if we can't handle conflict civilly and have gave him many ultimatums about stopping such an obvious unhealthy habit. But it was pointless. I can't imagine how confused this child will be to hear some of the irrational things he says. The sake of a child appears not motivation enough even thus far for him to stop some very negative behaviour. It will be hard for me to explain to others- voicelessness resonates for me- because no one hears the shouting and cursing and irrational behaviour. I've thought of recording him so that others can understand if I  choose for the child not to be near his father. Can he change this or is this a biologically based thing? Does the will and motivation to be better and improve oneself matter for a narcissist at all?

Thoughts?

[Moira]

Hi guest and welcome! I feel for you. I think from your description your H does seem to be a N. Enough fo the consistent traits anyway. He is an abuser. You are wise to seriusly consider leaving asap. Ns are incapable of seeing people as people and only will use children as objects-like their partners. My ex N used his son only as long as he was a cute baby because it was a guaranteed way of meeting women! His ex wife came to her sense, took the child, moved to her home country of Australia, went underground and changed names etc. The only contact she's had in 10 yrs with my ex N was through her lawyer. If you stay your H will not only destroy you but he will destroy your child- regardless of it's sex. All children growing up with abuse are damaged. Be afraid, be very afraid. remember you're feeling sorry about depriving your H of contact with his child- the only contact he's capable of will be destructive. No escaping it. Get a good lawyer and only have contact with your H through them. You are a wise woman to see things for what they are. courage!!! Hope you will find support and comfort here.

[OR]

Guest

The hardest part of this is that I wonder if I am being selfish in not letting a father be in his child's life

I feel for you, and the decision you have with the small child.
This will not get any better than it is right now for you and your child. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Studies show the child is better with one good parent. The father is important and can either be a positive force or the most negitive force in the childs life. You would not be selfish to leave him when he abuses you.
Taking your life back now is the best time before the choice gets more difficult as they grow.
The child will learn how to abuse you from the father and will also learn he must protect you when you are the mother and should be protecting him.


You want your child to be raised with you as a stable parent not one that becomes unstabe trying to make this work. The shouting could lead to something worse and as the baby gets closer the pressure will be on.


You would have a better chance of finding another mate to rasie a well balanced child.
My daughter wishes now I would have done this with her.
She see's her friends who have step dads that love and care for them.
She doesn't understand why her dad acts as he does and wishes I had met someone when she was a young child so she could call a good man her step dad.


Keep us posted .....................OR



 

[dogbit]

Yes, you are being selfish and very wise.  Remember that selfish now involves two of you:  You and your baby.  Go now.  Being a single caring parent equals a "village" to bring up the child.  Get away from him as soon as you can.  You can always go back if his behaviour warrants it.  He doesn't sound as if he is equal to bringing up a child if he can't even deal with the intimacy of a marriage.  Trust your instinct and don't lose your spirit.  And, keep posting! 

[miaxo]

Hi A Guest.

You need to do what is best for your baby.

I went through a divorce while three months pregnant and my daughter was only 2.  X N was and is a N.  I feel that it was better for my children to be pulled out of the day in day out N environment.  They have no memory of Mommy and Daddy ever living together and this has worked to all of our advantage.

All they know now is they live with Mommy and with Pop (my new husband of three years).   

Do what is best for the child.  You know what is right in your heart.

God bless.

[Cadbury]

Please, if you are thinking of leaving, then leave before the baby comes. I am going through hell with my ex N over our son. we broke up before the baby was born, but I didn't move that far away (work etc) and now if I want to it will have to be done through court. If you move away before the baby comes you give yourself some freedom. If your ex really wants a relationship with his child, then the distance won't stop him. As everyone else says one good parent is better than letting a child try and cope with the damage caused by N's. Read my post on "Baby is here, now what" or my first post when I came here back in October/November time (can't remember what it was called). This will give you some idea of what "joint parenting" with an N can be like. Don't think about your N husband, think only of your child. Imagine scenarios in the future. One where you have made the break and are free to enjoy your child - another where you are trying to bring a baby up in a narcissistic world. I truly believe that N's are incapable of the self-sacrifice and all encompassing love that is needed to nurture a child, so don't worry about him. Also, remember that many N's can "say" all the right things, but rarely actually mean any of it. Take care, good luck and keep us posted!