i just had, the weirdest dream emotionally ive had in a very long time. it wasnt scary really, or about delphine or anything usual. it was all =emotional=. it was about emotions and feeling. it felt very strange and very transformative somehow.... it was very impressionistic... just a series of images and very strong feelings.
i dont know why but i would like to write it here. it seems to fit, i really dont know how. its not very narrative, its more impressionistic..... so thats how it will sound i guess.........maybe someone can relate.
in this dream..... i was MAD. i was REALLY REALLY ANGRY. but i was also trapped. somehow.. at first i was free... i was doing things. traveling...... with my friends...... and then somehow i was caught in this hospital. i woke up in this hospital looking at this awful woman nurse who controlled my fate. i asked 'how did i get here'. and she said it didnt matter, i couldnt get away. upon hearing this, i became angry with her.
instantly i was back in the corner, waking up. i understood that they had drugged me. everytime i became angry, they would drug me..... she said 'they almost couldnt wake you up this time'.... i was angry again... they had given me so many drugs that i had almost died......... i was furious but i knew that i couldnt show it, becuase every time i did, obviously i would be dangerously drugged...... that was 'the game' i was not allowed to be angry or to show i was angry, no matter what they did to me. i was FURIOUS.
she began making me do all these different activities and humiliating things. i guess it reminded me of being in the mental hospital a lot. in the dream i was there with other kids and they were trying to get us to admit how our 'problems' were all our fault and things. i even said sarcastically - 'yes, i gave birth to myself, i raised myself, yup, it was all my doing'....
i knew it wasnt our fault. i knew that as soon as they sent us 'home' it would all be the same again, becuase the problems were at home. it was so awful and made me so incredibly humiliated and angry. but i couldnt show it. this was also the same as the mental hospital in real life....... beucase certainly if you showed anger there, you would be put in solitary, or even tied down.
this did happen in real life, in the hospital....... they strip searched us all, and found my friend and i were 'passing notes' to each other to communicate between the cells at night.............. that very day they transferred him to another hospital and we never saw him again...........he was my best friend....... i threw my shoe against the door of my 'room'...... and just for that, i was stripped naked and tied to a table for days.... with bright lights on me....... and cameras on me....... naked.. i was only 16....... i just broke right then, i remember lying there and thinking that human nature was evil. i gave up on human nature right then and it took a *long* time for me to think again that human nature was good and not evil. i also thought right then, that if these monsters were 'sane' then I WANTED TO BE CRAZY. !!!!!!>
i was remembering this, and another dream..... i was in a similar situation, being hung upside-down by ropes by this sadistic psychiatrist type. i was hung upside down by these ropes in this basement until i 'complied' as they wanted me to. i was under this weird kind of water and i couldnt breathe. it was really terrifying. every time i didnt comply i would go back to the basement and the ropes. it was of course awful. it was behavior modification. anyone who has been targeted by true behavior modification techniques will recognise the horror of it.
in this dream i thought about that dream. they were both hospitals run by my father in these dreams. (it was also a hospital run by my father in real life.) i had so much anger and felt SO trapped and violated.
then the lady was there in my face, making me do something. i was totally conflicted emotionally. i wanted to slap her face off. but i couldnt do it or they would punish me.
but ... something shifted inside me...... and i just..... changed.... something changed. i realised something but i cant put it into words. either way i was supposed to walk around this track somehow. i felt totally humiliated but instead i just realised, that what i should feel is pride. not the bad kind of pride but the kind that is self respect. so i stood up in this dream, i was crying with frustration, but it didnt matter. i walked around that damn track with self respect and pride in myself....... not becuase they forced me to.... but becuase, *i* decided to............. i was furious but not in a way they could punish me for..
it had something to do with anger.. and the way i feel anger.. damned if i can put it into words. i just felt it. of course the psych people all thought it was their behavior modification 'working'... they had crushed me, controlled me, stamped out my rebelliousness....... but i knew, it was me, myself, taking control of myself, DESPITE everything they did..... i dont need to be bullied into doing the right thing. they will never understand that. they would never understand, that if they would only leave me alone, i wouldnt have been angry in the first place. i am only angry when injustice is done to me.
i wish i could put it into words better than that.
anyway it was just a really powerful feelings and a lot of stuff kind of came to the surface there. maybe somebody else can relate about the anger dilemma.... " i will torture you but you must not react or incur more punishment "
good day all
ds mom
