just talking

[d'smom]

I am just talking here... talking to stretch out and communicate a moment.

d. leaves thursday.

been some two weeks I'll say.

its been so difficult some parts of it but most of it was so  great. its so weird, to read about the posts of crazy mothers that drive people nuts. sometimes i really feel that way, someone said though that a normal crazy mother will at least say what is bothering her and communicate her feelings and try to be honest, which I try to do.

a very weird phenomenon has  happened (despite all the great things which have totally outweighed it) which is that becuase of her personality, which is really empathetic, she is not absorbing N'ness from this experience with them, mostly,  but she is becoming sort of like.... like an inverse N.......... and its really strange, becuase her expecting everyone around her to be n'ish and having been told that im crazy and dont do emotions properly etc - its almost like she expects that from me - and honestly at times I really feel inapropriate.... becuase of the dynamic that has been set up. its the weirdest feeling. I never in my life thought i would be playing -that- role.   they have imprinted it on her, to expect to cater to n's, and she 'sees' it in me when im just being normal, with her n-colored glasses... they have molded her so that me being normal seems 'abnormal'. but they who are abnormal, are supposedly the 'normal' ones.   its very emotionally weird.

but.... weve also talked about a lot of stuff and got a lot of good things done, more than i thought we would. i wish we could have lots and lots of therapy and i wish we could have lots and lots of time together so i could work with her and straighten out her attitudes.

either way it has been very strange with this inverse n stuff and im left feeling like the weird crazy mother that people complain about. i can see her looking at me like that when im just being totally normal. (normal by my standards, in other words, human)

the 'vampire' alter ego has been here quite a bit.   she says he likes me. i think the vampire is where she keeps her anger so i guess that is good.  we talked about her being mad at me for leaving her. she told me she felt she had done something wrong adn thats why i left her in CA!  boy was that awful. how do i convince her, not intellectually but emotionally, that isnt true? .... she was the best behaved helpful kid ever. 

i can tell her it isnt true, and i did.   but i know that doesnt always sink in emotionally. i told her i was trying to do the right thing, and give her a better life and what she deserved to have, but got betrayed and how much i regret it, and that we were a team and should have stayed together at all costs.  i let her hit things with a pillow and emote which she did very excellently.  but im not really sure how to help her understand that down deep.

she has said some things about Nfamily that surprised me quite a bit, like she thinks they 'have power to control people' like one of the evil characters in her story.  !!!!!!!> 

she also said - she wants to come back. she wants to come back here for high school.

she wants that and is planning for it. so, i guess that is a very major victory.  just hope that she can keep it together til then. i vacillate very badly between being so proud of how well she is doing considering, which i really really am, and so concerned becuase of how much better i wish she was doing. im not sure how to find a balance there.

other than that weve watched every alan rickman movie ever made and done a bunch of other just fun stuff. two weeks is nowhere near long enough. but, its been a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaally good, surprisingly good visit.

well... thanks for listening. hope everyone is well. sorry to just talk & not reply so much. hope thats ok for right now.....  thinking about you all.  it helps just to taaaaallllkkkkkk.
d'smom

[October]

I am really pleased that you have had such a good time together.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be not to see your daughter every day, and you handle this so well.  I wonder if she knows how much of the time you are thinking of her, and caring about her? 

Enjoy the rest of your time, and I hope it is not long before she is with you for good.

[mum]

Hey, Anna, good to hear from you. You might remember I have a 13 year old daughter as well. I am hoping to move with her after her 8th grade year as well (son will be in college). Maybe this is our final year of hoping and preparing before we step into our lives!

I have a hard time not putting tons of stock in everything my daughter says. She is also in a confusing situation, so I am so careful about things. However, most 13 year old girls are just plain wierd. I know I was, and my childhood was pretty normal/nice.  I used to go in my room, shut the door and sing into the hole in my guitar.... and emote and be dramatic and I am sure if my parents hadn't already known this about kids (having 8 older ones) they would have dragged me off to be examined. I guess I'm writing this to reassure myself more than anything about my own daughter.

Anyway, I know the rest of your visit will be full of love and wonder. Bless you.

[d'smom]

You might remember I have a 13 year old daughter as well. I am hoping to move with her after her 8th grade year as well (son will be in college). Maybe this is our final year of hoping and preparing before we step into our lives!

yay, wouldnt -that- be cool! i am holding that as a wish for -both- of us. D.  seems to be planning on it. she keeps saying 'when i am here' and 'when i bring my computer' and things like that. wouldnt that be cooooooool!!!!!!

I have a hard time not putting tons of stock in everything my daughter says. She is also in a confusing situation, so I am so careful about things. However, most 13 year old girls are just plain wierd. I know I was, and my childhood was pretty normal/nice.  I used to go in my room, shut the door and sing into the hole in my guitar.... and emote and be dramatic and I am sure if my parents hadn't already known this about kids (having 8 older ones) they would have dragged me off to be examined. I guess I'm writing this to reassure myself more than anything about my own daughter.

well.......... I know...... maybe its worse becuase I do not live with her.. and havent for so long....... its really tough to do a lot of parenting this way...... they have undermined my authority so, that its a real challenge to assert any and do much damage control...    and, its really not the normal weirdness of being human and alive that concern me, its the more twisted weirdness that comes from systematic emotional repression...

you know, i run a pretty expressive household, we spend an awful lot of time in dramatic play and dress up roles and singing and expressing ourselves in all types of ways, we are very physical and do a lot of activities that encourage freedom and open expression.  we deal with emotional issues very openly. i think that is healthy, and she was a lot more mentally healthy when she was here and lived that way... her behavior was better, her social skills were better, attention span, everything.

its when you start getting emotionally repressed and made to feel ashamed of yourself and told that acting 'strange' means you are crazy and this type of thing, that 'weirdness' becomes what i believe to be unhealthy...... she is not allowed to jump and run and climb and play and be free, or sing or dream or anything like that that normal people (in my mind) do..... not allowed to be mad, or sad, or say what she really thinks or feels.   i grew up like that.. its an incubator for mental illness.

she lives in her head totally - the only thing its ok to do is read books or draw - thats how i grew up and im a freaking mess. i keep telling them i want her in sports, drama, track and field, anything to get her out of her head, and you know they totaly ignore it.

drawing and reading is great and im glad she has it but theres other aspects to life if you want to be a well rounded socially skilled emotionally healthy human being!!  her energy is all over the place, she is skittery and hyper and very unfocused, and while i know that is partially normal for a twelve year old, i also know that over this two weeks she has calmed down considerably and her behavior has improved a ton,  just with working with her this two weeks.  when you dont repress someone, they dont have need to rebel with crazy weirdness and strange who knows what. they can just express themselves, healthily. sometimes it -looks- weird, but its still -healthy-.

so - its not the normal weirdness that i have a difficulty with - its the twisted weirdness that comes from being repressed....

also - you know its a personal issue becuase, its my freaking -parents.-  i already lived the results of their parenting style and it screwed me up but good.....  its pretty heartbreaking to see her go through the same meatgrinder.  you know,  i wanted to give her better that the crap i had to go through. it pisses me off in a big big way and id like to pour salt on them and watch them shrivel up like snails.  (evil, self centered snails)

either way -  it has been a very healing visit and we had some very important discussions about a few things. she just wasnt quite ready to talk about it before but she is more and more.

i think if im here to pull her through it and i can keep in contact and reestablish authority and with a LOT of work she will come thru it stronger in the end. i think that more every time i see her. so that at least has been positive.

i do agree that it isnt the traumas that happen to you that shape a person as much as how much support they have dealing with it, and how they are helped through it that defines how its ultimately shapes a persons character....... just a theory. something to think about anyway.

hope you are doing ok and hanging in there.  yes this visit has been ultra cool and we saw a lot of very good alan rickman movies. its been largely delightful.
take care mum & all. (october ) thanks for helping.
d's mom

[mum]

Anna, hope you don't mind the "we" here, just looking to think of a companion in this "year that will hand us our dreams" (too bold? HECK NO!!)
I think what we need to do....is keep that image of what life will be like (what we want) foremost in our hearts and spirits....keep that as the focus (not what is not wanted).  This is really hard work (especially when I am under attack, and your daughter is not with you in present time).....but I can't think of anything more important. How can we possibly create the life we want from negative focus such as, this sucks, etc. Of course it sucks....and we will be sad sometimes....but if we can move through those feelings and back to how it feels to have what we want....I think we have a better chance of that happening.
Call it stupid faith or whatever.  At the very least, it keeps me focused on my goal, and makes me feel so much better.

The down side of this, for me at first, was that I still hadn't dropped the self incrimination habit, so when things were not going my way.....I BLAMED myself for not creating it! OY! Can you believe it?  Then it was all so much worse!  So I went back down deep and started at the beginning....working on childhood issues, etc, with my regular therapist....(still dealing) and now I just see it all as a very interesting ride. I hurt, well, why wouldn't I, I am human, and this situation can be painful.
I just don't stay in the painful places for long now.  I feel so much more powerful than ever before, and so very connected to God/higher energy, etc.

Sorry for the ramble...hoping to be inspirational is all.  If you want some down to earth images: this is mine: keep my head down, don't let anything distract my focus....and keep one foot in front of the other, toward my freedom.

[October]

Sorry for the ramble...hoping to be inspirational is all.  If you want some down to earth images: this is mine: keep my head down, don't let anything distract my focus....and keep one foot in front of the other, toward my freedom.

This is mine; when you are walking a tightrope, don't look down.  Fix your eyes on where you want to be, and keep going. If you slow down, or look around you, then you start to wobble and you might fall.  So keep going, and it is easier.

[OR]

Anna, MuM, Oct

Anna, Im glad your visit with your D was a healing one. This is such a big part, a daily thing I wish for our D.
I know she is hurting and if she can feel healed it's worth all the efforts you give.

it has been a very healing visit and we had some very important discussions about a few things.

I'm another mom with an almost 13teen year old. So I can relate to the wild stuff goin on now.

She set me up a "JANGA" account it's like a message board with their own special sayings and allows for them to write notes for all other Janga members to see.
She has an account and thought look mom I will make you your own janga account , I said sure OK.
like who is going to write me unless Im 12yrs old.

Some how my account is set to auto receive her writings. I don't think she knows this. I just got one and she talks about some silly stuff and mentions a boys name she said is her boyfriend??? I think at her age a boyfriend means he is because she said it first, I don't think he knows about it.
Anyway for now I'm going see where this goes with the Janga thing Im not going to tell her for now. 

I can understand how the negative thought process is so much easier to do.
It does help to start the day with the goal of reaching for positive thoughts, keep what you want in front of you and don't look to the left or right.

I just went through the most painful, negative thoughts, thinking I was going to be forced to move back to CA. Sometimes we only have so much control over our goal, others can yank your chain how they please.
How do you not for one minute think others can do you damage and not worry to some degree.

I belive being positive no matter what your going through, how realistic is this? I try to keep my goal in front my wishes to stay here with our D. And this happened, the judge said no problem.
I couldn't sleep, I worried, I was angry, I made sure no stone was over looked to give the crazy N-H 's emails for them to look at. (Im not done with this custody stuff I have to go through mediation still ).

But I still worry and fret and get upset inside. I had trust that this would happen and now everyone is saying, well I knew you would not have to move back, no judge would give him custody.
These others were not worried, I know it did me no good to worry but I did had the nitemares the thoughts that all Judges would be N's like my H.......

I guess this is all about choice you do what is in your power, trust others will do their part, in your favor.
If it does not work out for you then you have a positive thought process and not become bitter.
The goal is to be happy no matter what comes in front of you have a healthy attitude for your child.

sorry if I rambled........ OR


 

[d'smom]

She set me up a "JANGA" account it's like a message board with their own special sayings and allows for them to write notes for all other Janga members to see.
She has an account and thought look mom I will make you your own janga account , I said sure OK.
like who is going to write me unless Im 12yrs old.

Some how my account is set to auto receive her writings. I don't think she knows this.

I saw some of the stuff D. was writing to her friends  <<and b-b-b-b-b-oyfriend>>  over the internet. She was giggling like crazy and I think if I saw everything she wrote I think Id be permanently traumatised.......  It seems a strange age with this weird combination of innocence and not innocence.

I can understand how the negative thought process is so much easier to do.... I just went through the most painful, negative thoughts, thinking I was going to be forced to move back to CA. ......  I try to keep my goal in front my wishes to stay here with our D. And this happened, the judge said no problem.

I had trust that this would happen and now everyone is saying, well I knew you would not have to move back, no judge would give him custody.
These others were not worried, I know it did me no good to worry but I did had the nitemares the thoughts that all Judges would be N's like my H.......

IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!!!!! im soooooo happy. I hope all the rest of it goes as well.   what a relief that must be.  also Id say, well it was easy for those others not to worry, it wasnt their life going on, was it????.....  people worry when they feel powerless over events in their life...... you can reduce it by discipline and psyching yourself out and attitude and preparedness - but I still think its a pretty natural response.   I dont really know the purpose of worry.... i think its largely unproductive but in some situations, its what people do.

sometimes i think with moms (or parents) its hormonal. ive heard dr phil say - "when things are right with my kids, everythings right; when things are wrong with my kids, everythings wrong" - its such a gut response - and hormones and other biochemicals (and other stuff we dont necessarily consciously control) do play a role in emotions and feelings relating to our kids. im getting curious about the concept of worrying now. like, what is it biologically? what role does it play when it seems so unproductive but yet so universal??? ..... ???.... ?...

===  that was totally rhetorical  ====  but i just read this over and had a thought which is, if you are a wild animal with your paw trapped under a rock, one survival technique after youve figured out you cant just get away is just to keep trying. you try this, you try that. you wiggle this way, you stretch that way. you keep nipping at it hopeing it gives way. thats one survival technique. another animal might sit still and save his energy and just hope to be released. either animal might have just as good a chance.

in a way this worrying is just our mind at work, figuring solutions to an 'unsolvable' problem. theres no course of action your currently pursuing thats really working but your mind is still working, trying solution after solution hoping one will finally do the trick. I wonder if that isnt partly what it is.  to a certain extent thats good, but also you want to save your energy too id think.

I guess this is all about choice you do what is in your power, trust others will do their part, in your favor.
If it does not work out for you then you have a positive thought process and not become bitter.
The goal is to be happy no matter what comes in front of you have a healthy attitude for your child. [/quote}


you guys are ALL right, keep your eyes on the prize in -every- aspect of life.  focus focus focus and try to live as well as possible.  the tightrope thing is totally right. you have to keep your eyes where you are going. >>

thanks so much guys.
d's mom