Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

new to this - I think my mom is a narcissist - help

(1/3) > >>

KateW:
cry: I have been struggling with my mom my whole life with her guilt trips. I live two hours away and am a married professional with a busy schedule. My mom constantly complains that she doesn't see me enough and when I do visit it's never long enough, how can I be leaving already, etc. She becomes withdrawn and/or angry whenever I don't do what she wants. She's only happy if I am there at her every whim doing what SHE wants. My needs or that of mine and my husband are never considered. It all came to a head when my dad (divorced from my mother for 20 years) decided to come visit me and my husband for Christmas this year. He lives in Australia, and I never get to see him at Xmas. I broke the news to my mom and she said all kinds of horrible things, such as "you're choosing your dad over us" ("us including my narcissist sister and family, my mom and grandmother) and she feels that since I have a relationship with  my dad I'm "condoning" all the horrible things "he did" to her. I told her that I was happy that I have a good relationship with my dad, and that as my mom she should be happy for me. No response, just that I was hurting HER feelings. I became so angry and frustrated I called her back and told her that I felt that for my own mental sanity, I was not going to be able to come up for THanksgiving this year to visit, due to her attitide and that of my sister, who is always so rude and moody that my husband refuses to go visit her. It's interesting because my dad is so nice about my mom - the only thing bad he will say is she and her family and famous for laying guilt trips. HELP - I feel guilty like I am letting her down. I even sent her a nice letter to explain how I was feeling but she took it all wrong and twisted everything I said. She even brought up that I was creating a "family rift" and that we had "other problems", such as the fact that she wanted me to come visit her at a beach house that is a 4 hour drive for me this summer and I wouldn't come, suggesting we meet somewhere more accessible to both of us. I told her that she wasn't considering my feelings and only cared about what was convenient for her. I had invited her to visit my husband and I the week before Christmas so we could still see eachother and she said that she would come if I could fit her into my "busy social calendar" . I asked her what she meant by that and she said that in my letter I implied that the invitiation wasn't really open! All I said was, "how about you come for a visit before Christmas, maybe the weekend of the 20th would work for you? She took that to mean I wasn't really inviting her! SHe said she would have to come because my present is "too big to send". She is being just horrible. Help I need advice.

bunny:
My advice: You are doing all the right things already. You are standing up to her. You aren't caving in to her. You are doing what you need to do, whether or not she approves. This is incredibly great! I'm not sure you realize how advanced you are. Most people with N parents (including me) cave in to their parents all the time. KEEP IT UP!!!!  :lol:

P.S. Yes, your mom is a narcissist, and yes, she uses guilt trips. Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong!

KateW:
:) Wow - so I'm not horrible and crazy after all =) After this whole thing happened I started looking on the Internet to see if my mom has a personality disorder and Narcissist kept coming up. This is the first time I've ever stood up to her - I've always tried to do what she wants.  It helped so much for you to confirm she IS a narcissist. I thougt maybe I was just a bad daughter! Thank you so much for your kind words... I feel like maybe I can get through this after all. What's interesting is what I've read about N children feeling like they never make the right decision and can't be confident in their own judgements. That is so me.. what about you?

Nancy Drew:
I am also new (this week) Holidays always seem to be a problem with phrases like: "Well, you didn't really INVITE me..you only said.." 2 weeks ago, my daughter had a baby; and I took time off from my job to correspond with the birth, and babysitting my daughter's 2 yr. old baby, etc..My mother kept saying things like: "Your cousin (hardly knows my daughter) said that if you can't bring me up to their apt. by Wed., SHE will!" Trying to protect my daughter, mentioning that she needed time to recuperate, etc.and had quite a bit of her husband's fam. for company already (when the baby was between 2-3 days old) She KEPT insisting.  I would NOT give in, as I was that concerned for my daughter, having been there as she gave birth.  I am astounded that a woman cannot have consideration for her granddaughter, who just gave birth.  The only important thing was that SHE go to see that baby!.  I brought her computer print-out pics afte 2-3 days, and she said "I don't want to see PICTURES of the baby!! I want to see the baby!" I made her wait till the baby was a week old...but in the meantime, I had to listen to all her complaints and jealousy such as: "I'll bet the great-grandmother on her husband's side has been there!" I called the hospital, and Mandy's friend Sue answered!!!' I did NOT give in...but it was shameful for an 84 year old woman, who just about did everything but stomp her feet over this!  How can someone have NO consideration for the other person? I feel somewhat bad because she is elderly, but she has ALWAYS been like this!!
  :x

bunny:
KateW,
I think my judgments are right but I still feel horribly guilty. It's like being brainwashed.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page