Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

new to this - I think my mom is a narcissist - help

<< < (2/3) > >>

bunny:
Nancy Drew,

Your mother is the limit. When someone behaves as outrageously as she does, I think it makes it a bit easier to deny them. I am familiar with elderly, spoiled-brat women and they have to be treated firmly. You did the right thing. She has no "right" to see a baby, no matter whose it is.

PS:
Kate,
As I'm sure many of us feel, you could have been writing about my mother.  I thought mine topped the Ncake when she got p***** off with me when I went home (she lives in a rural area in another Province) for my cousin's funeral.  She was in such a snit that my sister and I had gone home for the funeral instead of specifically to see her that she actually refused to go to the funeral.  Now that's the part about what the parent does, but the biggest piece of this is what it does to us as adult children of N parents.  Initially, I felt angry, frustrated and then sad that she was so shallow in her ability to give to ANYONE.  Then I have to remind my self that the N feels NO EMPATHY.   In other words, no ability to understand how ANYONE else might be feeling about a situation and then the next step, to care how they feel enough to offer support or understanding.  We must NEVER wait for this to be offered under ANY circumstances - and even if at first it appears that way, don't trust it because it's usually a set up.

Sounds dismal doesn't it?  But guilt is the leverage behind the control for the N parent.  Their first priority is to have their needs satisfied so they NEVER have to look at the pain of their own sense of non-existence.  When there is any kind is dent in the armor they immediately go to repair the threat.  In order to repair (like when you express you want to see your father) the N pulls out the most effective control mechanism and does what ever is necessary to get you back in line.  Once you have succumbed, they have reestablished the armor and you have served the function.  Then you're the good girl for awhile, just up to the point where you look for permission to have any need met that the N takes as a signal that they're not solidly front and centre.

In my own life, I know that the stronger I am, the better I feel about my right as a human being to take care of myself, the less my N mother can wipe me out.  At 87, she recently broke her arm and shattered her image of this capable, independent, spunky woman.  She demanded a huge amount of attention and my sisters and I gave what we were willing which was never enough and never appreciated.  Guilt still gets a grip on me at times but I'm quicker to recognize it and less inclined to allow it to motivate what I do or don't do for my mother.  

You are very much on the right track in identifying these things that you mother does to try and pull you in to "use you to repair the dents in her armor".  You absolutely have the right to a relationship with your father and do not need her permission to do so.  If she had the ability to care for you she's support you in that.  Also, remind yourself, often, that you have the right to be happy and to spend time around people who support and love you.  Your barometer is always your FEELINGS.  As children of N parents we have been trained to disregard and deny our feelings because they have been inconvenient and uncomfortable for the parent.  In the beginning of dealing with all of this the most difficult task, at times, is to even know what we are feeling.  

I wish you all the best, hope you have or had a nice time with you father and that you use this "board" as support and to vent when necessary!

pat

Anonymous:
Pat, That really sounds like my mom - I could see her acting that way about a funeral. I'm so sorry for what you have to go through as well. It sounds like you are really dealing with it well though. My mom gets so upset if she is not the center of attention. I agree it is so hard to know what we are feeling. When telling her I wasn't coming for Thanksgiving, I felt like I had to make that decision but I was still being a bad person for not coming. My husband fully supports me which is great, but I am still struggling. Just today my mom left a message on my voice mail saying that they had a "pathetic" Thansgiving. and that it was mostly just her and my grandmother, because my sister was only there part of the time. Again, another way to lay on the guilt trip.

It's interesting what they do when they get sick. My mother was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has managed to beat it. Of course, she was sure she was going to die. When I told her to let me know if there was anything I could do to help, she said "Like there's anything you can do from where you're at" (I'm two hours away). Three years ago we decided we weren't coming up for Christmas because we had to be back at work the day after, and I got a sobbing message from my mom that we had to come up because she was sure it was going to be her "last Christmas" (note - I was on my way back from visiting her when I got this message) I explained that we just weren't going to be able to make it, that we already had made our plans, she sobbed and hung up.

Just recently she wanted to come visit us and I told her the next few weekends were booked up, so we'd have to wait a few weeks. She hung up on me! What am I supposed to do when my husband can't stand having her around? He's my first priority.

Last time I saw her she told me my hair was too long. I said I like it. My husband said, it's in style right now. Her reply was "celebrities can get away with it - they seem to break all the rules." She can't ever say I look nice. There's always something wrong. I met my mom and my aunt for lunch a couple of months ago and my aunt said I looked pretty. Mom's reply was "don't I look pretty?"

Sorry for my rambling. I am just recalling all these things and getting really angry! But at least I know what she has, and I'm learning how to deal with it.

Nancy, good for you in standing up to your mom. I know how hard it is but you did the right thing. I agree with you in that they have absolutely no consideration for the other person. My mom absolutely does not care that it's important for me to be around my dad, I'm just choosing him over her.

KateW:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Pat, That really sounds like my mom - I could see her acting that way about a funeral. I'm so sorry for what you have to go through as well. It sounds like you are really dealing with it well though. My mom gets so upset if she is not the center of attention. I agree it is so hard to know what we are feeling. When telling her I wasn't coming for Thanksgiving, I felt like I had to make that decision but I was still being a bad person for not coming. My husband fully supports me which is great, but I am still struggling. Just today my mom left a message on my voice mail saying that they had a "pathetic" Thansgiving. and that it was mostly just her and my grandmother, because my sister was only there part of the time. Again, another way to lay on the guilt trip.

It's interesting what they do when they get sick. My mother was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and has managed to beat it. Of course, she was sure she was going to die. When I told her to let me know if there was anything I could do to help, she said "Like there's anything you can do from where you're at" (I'm two hours away). Three years ago we decided we weren't coming up for Christmas because we had to be back at work the day after, and I got a sobbing message from my mom that we had to come up because she was sure it was going to be her "last Christmas" (note - I was on my way back from visiting her when I got this message) I explained that we just weren't going to be able to make it, that we already had made our plans, she sobbed and hung up.

Just recently she wanted to come visit us and I told her the next few weekends were booked up, so we'd have to wait a few weeks. She hung up on me! What am I supposed to do when my husband can't stand having her around? He's my first priority.

Last time I saw her she told me my hair was too long. I said I like it. My husband said, it's in style right now. Her reply was "celebrities can get away with it - they seem to break all the rules." She can't ever say I look nice. There's always something wrong. I met my mom and my aunt for lunch a couple of months ago and my aunt said I looked pretty. Mom's reply was "don't I look pretty?"

Sorry for my rambling. I am just recalling all these things and getting really angry! But at least I know what she has, and I'm learning how to deal with it.

Nancy, good for you in standing up to your mom. I know how hard it is but you did the right thing. I agree with you in that they have absolutely no consideration for the other person. My mom absolutely does not care that it's important for me to be around my dad, I'm just choosing him over her.
--- End quote ---

PS:
I had to laugh a little when your mom said your hair was too long! They'll do anything to jump the ladder to feel superior.  If you look good it somehow means that they don't and an attack is imminent.  The situation I was telling about reganding the funeral resulted in my mom saying "who cuts your hair now?" When I told her (forgot that there would be a reason for this question) she said , "well, it's chunky and he doesn't know how to taper hair!"  

The Christmas thing is hard, I know.  If you've had a Christmas without her before you'll know how pleasant it can be without all the stress created by having to be on guard all the time.  All difficult transitions require support and understanding.  I hope you have that.  The more you pull away the more desperate her actions will be for awhile.  

One thing you might want to research a bit so that you can get a handle on how your reactions will affect you is  what happened as you tried to separate ind individuate.  When I understood this process and how much it didn't occur as it should in childhood, I was much kinder to myself as I learned to identify and take care of my own needs.  Nina Brown who wrote one of the great survival books for adult children of N parents (CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED), says, "the parent could only approve of you to the extent that you met their self-perception and needs, and you were not considered to be separate and distict from them........the parental inability to consider the child as worthwhile, loveable, a separate person produced a self-perception in the child that they are fatally flawed and that everyone can see the flaws."

One of the reasons that this is such a great book is that the last half is strategies on how to create distance and self-protection from the N parent.

All the best..Pat

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page