most narcissistic present

[Xenia]

When I was 8 my Nmother decided I should learn an instrument for purely N reasons (to "impress").  She didn't offer me any choice in the matter, just picked the 'cello, the most unappealing (for a child), bulky, heavy, tuneless and difficult instrument for a first time learner ("impressive" though...). Nor did she consider that I'd have to carry it a mile and a half up a steep hill to and from school along with my school bag while she stayed in bed in the morning. 

I tried lessons for a couple of terms using a borrowed school instrument, before telling her that I hated it and didn't want to carry on.  Remarkably, she allowed me to give it up and I felt a great sense of relief and slight confusion that it had been that easy to stop.

A few months later.... The Christmas tree is up, the lights are twinkling... me and my brother sneak a look in the wardrobe to see if we can glean any clues about what we might be getting from Santa.  Imagine my disappointment when I saw that she had bought me a new 'cello for Christmas...  Not only was I going to have to take up an instument that I hated after having shaken it off once, but I was going to have to swallow my disappointment and resentment and pretend to be pleased and grateful!

I cannot find words to describe my bewilderment at how little my wishes or feelings impacted on my mother's world, except as obstacles for her desire for total control.  I keep trying to articulate how I feel and then deleting it because I just can't get my head around the way her mind works, whether she its deliberate or whether she is just a flawed person who does not understand what they do.  Its quite possible that she bought the cello for me in 'innocence' because she simply hadn't heard/digested that I hated the cello - in short, my thoughts or feelings did not feature in her world at all, and were completely irrelevant.

At this point I go sort of blank because where do you go with that one? All of the cruelty and viciousness she showed stemmed from this.  Our feelings were irrelevant to her.

[miaxo]

I have observed the relationship of my X N with the children and it is always about HIS needs/desires/wants, etc.

Everything is for appearnces and he only cares about what the children do in so far as much that he never wants them to make HIM look bad.

He is clueless as he can't relate to anyone let alone his own children.  I would venture that your Mom was the same.

It's the N in them.  They can't shake it....it has taken over their beings just like an alien would.

I wish you well.

[miss piggy]

Welcome Xenia,

I'm a newbie too 

I once got luggage for my birthday.  woo hoo.  the special surprise was going on a trip to see my N grandparents.  all by myself.  just what I always wanted.  did they take me special places?  no.  buy me special things? no.  I got to watch lawrence welk for a week.  great fun.  I felt like I was sent to some foster home.  Why?  Did anyone ask me if this idea was ok with me?  Why did they think this was such a great idea?  No one else in the family would go along with this, but I had to.  This was the stuff I got.  Not really super bad, just sort of Huh?  Have you no regard for me and my feelings?  I'm left with the feeling that they don't know who I am because they don't care to find out or pay attention.  I was invisible.  Anytime I became visible, my head got bit off (I guess that was the bad part).

The cello thing seems like something yet another N relative of mine would do.  a fantastic passive-aggressive curve ball.  how can a kid argue with the "gift" of music lessons?  She's enriching your life with music, right, being generous, right?  all the while hanging an anchor around your neck.  Thanks, ma.  The christmas gift was just retaliation with more craziness.  Yu VILL play ze instrument I choose vor yu!  bleech.

I can imagine the kick in the gut feeling you must have had.  Gift giving is just another opportunity for Ns to stick it to the objects of their ire. 

I am feeling rather relieved that my T understands that it is not selfish of me to go back to the hall of mirrors, now that they are older.  I don't have to stand for that treatment anymore.

Well I say you should go out and buy yourself a nice present of something you want, maybe some head-bangin' rock n roll CDs!!! 

MP

[Stormchild]

Oh Lordy....

Talk about a blast from the past...

Guy I was dating in grad school, for my birthday he gives me...  a picture of... himself. I meet his parents at Christmas and as my gift they give me... another copy of the same picture... framed, though, and under glass, I will say that for them...

I am not making this up. Not, not, not, not, not.

It became a sort of sick joke between me and some of my friends at the time... "it's Christmas Eve and I haven't done my shopping yet! Oh no! I don't have pictures of So&so to give to all my friends!" "Here, Xerox mine!" "Oh thank you thank you, you've saved me....." and so on and so on.

I'm cracking up, just remembering this. What an utter absolute cad this guy was... and how obvious it is, exactly how he got that way...

[vicki]

My brother once asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  Since I didn't really need anything, I said, "I don't know," and insinuated that anything would be good.  He pressed for an answer, and so I jokingly said "paper clips," since earlier that day I had needed one.  A couple of days later, I got a box of paperclips.  I still have them in the kitchen drawer. 

[Plucky]

Hi Xenia,
Your note definitely struck a chord with me.  Not only did my mom give sucky gifts, she went ballistic if her gifts were not perfect.  And of course they never were.

In your shoes I would have been angry.  At least I would now, with my vast hindsight and maturity.....    I have a hard time thinking that your mother could find any reasonable excuse not to know you did not want the cello.   And what is a good reason not to ever listen to a child?  Don't make excuses for her.  She was wrong.   What was the rest of the story?  Are you playing in a philharmonic?  Did you drop the cello down the hill one day and collapse in relief? 

However, I must compete with you for the most N gift ever.  My ex gave me a self help book for Christmas.  That's all I got . It was a paperback, to make it worse.  Because I needed fixing, he said.

Stormy your post was hliarious!
Plucky

[October]

YBrother wanted whole family at his wedding abroad.  Older brother can't go because of term times.  So I am sorting visas and flights for the rest (parents genuinely not up to sorting complicated stuff).

I am not sure even now whether C and I are going.  I am trying to be very positive for her, so that I know she doesn't pick up too much hesitation from me and want to stay at home.  I am afraid she will learn fear and withdrawal, rather than grasping life, if that makes any sense.  So I am grasping the good things about this trip, and hoping the bad won't be too bad.  I want to be at the wedding, but I don't want the rest of it.  On the other hand, who travels to the Indian s/c in the monsoon season???

But I need to know that if we do not go it is a positive choice not to go, rather than being afraid or agoraphobic, if that makes any sense at all.

I said to mum yesterday that C feels the heat a lot even here, and that she is afraid of the heat out there, and the mosquitoes.  So mum said, weeeeelllllllll  (one of her words while she thinks what to say, but doesn't want anyone else getting a word in!) when we went before it was cooler than Guyana (name dropping her two and only foreign holidays!!)    So I said, that was DECEMBER.  This is AUGUST.  Bit of a difference!!!!!!  Also, this is C, not you.

Anyway, Ybrother originally said, have flight and hotel stopover.  Sounded not too bad; 8 hour one day; 4 the next.

However, yesterday ybrother said, sort out business class flights for 4, either direct or else with change of plane, and without hotel stop; 13 - 17 hour journey depending on timings. 

So I tried that, and sent him the costs.  Then got email back saying that is too much (almost £10K), and can I look at economy instead.   

So am now looking at economy.  Which I would have done before if he had not mentioned business class, and got me thinking how wonderful to be so valued.    

(Have told C the advantage of doing the booking is that I can arrange separate days and therefore planes for us and the grandparents (because they can stay longer, wheras she has to get back for school)!!!  17 hours each way with m&d??  No thanks!!!!!  )

Not sure what wedding present you can buy for someone who flies you half way round the world to go to his wedding, though.  Maybe turning up is enough.  More than enough!!!!!!!

[Plucky]

Hi October,
good luck with that trip.  My advice is just to maintain as much control as you can wrest.  Make your flights whatever you want, and conform to requests for the flights of the others.   Stay where you want to.  Eat when and what you want to.  Get whatever gft you want to.   Leave when you want to.  Close your ears to whatever you don't want to hear.  Make this an exercise to teach your daughter how to deal with those people, because she needs those skills.  If you don't want to go, just don't go.  Lie if you have to.
Plucky

[October]

Hi October,
good luck with that trip.   If you don't want to go, just don't go.  Lie if you have to.
Plucky

Thanks Plucky.

Have now offered to go another time; perhaps at Christmas, when it will be cooler, and C and I can go on our own to vist b.  Suggested this in case bs finances are getting overstretched, which I imagine is pretty well inevitable.  Weddings are not cheap!!!  Have offered to sort all arrangements for parents, but not actually accompany them.  Far better!!!

C is delighted with this idea, so I think it is one to go with.   

[Stormchild]

Imagine my disappointment when I saw that she had bought me a new 'cello for Christmas...  Not only was I going to have to take up an instument that I hated after having shaken it off once, but I was going to have to swallow my disappointment and resentment and pretend to be pleased and grateful!

Here's a musician's joke that you should enjoy, then.

What's the difference between a violin and a 'cello?

The 'cello burns longer...

[Stormchild]

Have now offered to go another time; perhaps at Christmas, when it will be cooler, and C and I can go on our own to vist b.  Suggested this in case bs finances are getting overstretched, which I imagine is pretty well inevitable.  Weddings are not cheap!!!  Have offered to sort all arrangements for parents, but not actually accompany them.  Far better!!!

Excellent! Suggest that you do all this with a slightly martyred air, don't let any hint of pleasure show, and especially not even a glimmer of relief if it seems to be working.

The instant they realize that you aren't making a brave sacrifice, lower lip all atremble, but are instead capably and deliberately dodging The 24/7 All-Narcissists-All-The-Time Show, they'll be all over you to accompany them...

I am sorry to be advocating duplicity, but try thinking of it as being harmless as a dove and guileful as a serpent...

[Beautiful]

Cello is the music of the soul.   Narcissists are aching, lost souls in search of the real self that was lost so long ago.

I happen to love the cello and have a burning desire to learn how to play one, even though the violin was my passion early on in my childhood.  My mother could not afford $25 to rent one or chose not to . . . so I could not take violin lessons.

I know have a Steinway, baby-grand, sitting in my media room, thanks to my narcissist husband whose classically trained and has grandiose fantasies about being a rock star/moby/dylan/singer-song-writer.  Anyway, it sits there.   I play by ear, but tonight, I thought . . . maybe I'll hire a teacher to come to the house and learn how to properly play the piano.   Why not?

Start to feel good about yourself again and what makes you happy !

[Stormchild]

Imagine my disappointment when I saw that she had bought me a new 'cello for Christmas...  Not only was I going to have to take up an instument that I hated after having shaken it off once, but I was going to have to swallow my disappointment and resentment and pretend to be pleased and grateful!

Here's a musician's joke that you should enjoy, then.

What's the difference between a violin and a 'cello?

The 'cello burns longer...  

oops, silly me... I forgot to mention that the musician who told me this joke is a cellist. So Xenia, you can laugh without guilt!

[Beautiful]

Narcissist do not know how to share.  If they do share, it is with strings or conditions or stipulations.  They will take everything and own everything.  They do not give when emotions are attached to it or they can manipulate and lie about it.

My mother was not a narcissist.  That must have been excrutiating to unveil and discover.   Treat your mother like a child.  She is not an adult.  Think of her like a 6 year old, maybe an adolescent and find out about her past.   It will give you clues.