Hello,
My therapist is on vacation for 3 weeks! I've got one more week to go until my next appt. He was concerned about checking out on me and I said that I'd join some chat groups. I feel so alone in dealing with my N-husband. If you haven't dealt with one or know what it means, specifically NPD or cerebral narcissism, family and friends cannot relate to your agony. NPD is sick and abusive. I've been in so much denial. It took me months of research and reading for it to finally sink in and accept that my husband truly suffers from the narcissistic personality disorder, not just traits and unhealthy actions. Some of the criteria fits him like a glove:
Grandiose fantasies
Uniquness
Self-absorbed
Superior/smart/hauty/know it all
Seeks constant adulation/attention
Envious of others
Interpersonally exploitative
Devoid of empathy
Rages when frustrated, confronted or contradicted
We've been married for 2 years and dated (engaged) for 1.5 years prior. Yes, there were warning signals and I thought I was so mature and could deal with his tactics. He is the classic Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. I used to feel sorry for him and think I could help him heal, after all, it's not his fault his parents were total narcissists (father sexually abused his sister for 12 yrs. and mother is the overbearing, nagging, judgment, critical, emotional roller coaster, unpredictable, immature, little girl that never grew up).
My husband is highly regarded, and adored by his friends. He's successful (weathly) and very smart. He puts on a grand facade, but only I get to see the weakness and vulnerability in him. He's a master at projection.
Long story short: There is always constant pressure from him in our lives. I cannot do enough, say the right thing, behave properly. I'm constant judged - on trial, criticized and raged at over simple miscontrued remarks or actions. Walking on eggshells - he's a loaded gun. He lies, distorts the truth, hides, evades, unclear, confusion and uncertainty are his tactics to keep me under his control. There is no stability or foundation, no support or empathy. I was idealized, devalued and discarded.
At 42, we were trying to have a baby, in addition to the other stress in our lives and all of the above behaviours mixed in. Just trying to get pregnant was a control issue for him because he never trusted me to be competent about anything. Like knowing my own body and what is healthy. I can honestly say he was never supportive or gave me any credit for being a smart, intelligent person able to make sound choices and use good judgment. He claims he took a big risk marrying me at 42 and trying to start a family - gee thanks.
When it came time to go to the fertility clinic and "produce" a child, that his when he freaked out and backed out on me. Said he didn't want a baby with me after 1.5 years of trying, with the thermometer in the mouth every day at 6AM, charting, we actually conceived and I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. He said our marriage is too rocky and we fight to much. He controlled this situation and chose to really hurt me. The timing isn't right and he needs to think about his future. I was shocked and devastated. He surprised me with a proposal of marriage and wanted to have kids. I was flattered and in love with him in the beginning and rejoyced at the opportunity to have a child.
Well, after your husband tells you he doesn't want your children how could I look him in the face again? How can you sit in public and watch the world spin by you with families, babies, human existence and know that your husband is using his fears to control your chances of bringing a child into the world? I knew he would get rid of me after that. It was inevitable that divorce was his next step.
What is very strange is that he actually did act empathetic that he took this away from me. I was suffering - close to a total breakdown. I was ready to leave him and thought, no way. In the past 3.5 years that we've been together, we have moved 4 times before we settled into a home of our own. We've been in our house for 6 months and the thought of leaving/moving to apt. w/commitments/leases and uncertainty just made me more depressed.
For 6 weeks we danced around the "process" of dealing with his decision, along with the rejection and abandonment that I felt emotionally and physically. I actually thought maybe I could live with a decision to not have kids, but he said he really wanted them (just not with me). He needs to look out for his future.
I made him sleep downstairs and a week later he said he wanted a divorce. I said fine. How can I live with this man after all his abuse. My condition was that he move out. If he wants out of the marriage, he needs to leave and I'm not leaving the house until the divorce is over, done, final and I have a check in my hand. There could be a lot of money involved. It was a short marriage, but my husband has no debt and $$$$$.
In all my readings is says to leave the narcissist and don't look back. To cut ties, communication and walk way. Instead, I made him leave me and this was powerful in that it forces him to be alone with his "self". I took his facade way. We live in a beautiful home on the water worth millions. I'll be !@@#&* if I am giving this up after all I've been through so he can enjoy it while I suffer in a crummy apt. He is very miserable. After 4 weeks of staying in the guest house on our property, he finally got an apt. and moved in a mattress and his clothes.
The last 2 years have been intolerable, but this summer has been hell. Funny, that the narcissist will truly kick you when you are down. While all of this was going on, I sprained my ankle badly and was in a lot of pain and discomfort. It took 6 weeks before I could walk without pain. He has no empathy. Instead of trying to help me out and be supportive, he went out to dinner with his friends, went on bike riding trips, and worked.
My husband emotionally abandoned me 1.5 years ago when he started his own start up company. That is his supply (drug) now. He gets his attention/adoration from his growing company. He's a god to them and it promotes his grandiose fantasies of making millions of dollars in the internet world. Yes, he's a cerebral narcissist. A computer guru, data addict and works (inefficiently by the way) 7 days a week until 10PM at night, sometimes later. He's neglected our marriage, time spent together and basically abandoned me. I've been so lonely and very much alone.
All the money, beautiful home, and a second home to boot in the mountains, a beautiful wife, adoring, entertaining, athletic, what more could he want? Nothing makes him happy because he is so miserable inside. He's walked away from it all.
He's going to counseling, but I don't think that will last long. I'm convinced that his narcissism will control his life forever and he'll never change or modify his behavior.
I've learned that part of the healing process is going over the trauma in your head to understand it all and accept what actually happened. I was in denial for 3.5 years. I'm so tired of talking about it and my family and friends are tired of listening to it, but it's part of my healing process. I figured I'd talk with people like you who have experienced it and validate my pain and agony.
I feel so much stronger now. I lost myself and all my self-esteem and strength. It's time to grow again and mature in healthy ways. Being with my N has been a spiral dive to hell.
I've noticed that a lot of people here are dealing with N-parents. That must be awful to have your authority figure as an N. I just wanted a mutual partner, friend, lover, husband, father to my kids. I never in my life thought I'd be in this situation. I never thought that he'd actually leave this house and want a divorce. Whoops - there's the denial again.
It's been tough but I do feel stronger and know that I need to let him go. Several days ago, was our 2 year wedding anniversary. He actually wanted to see me and acknowledge the special day. I put on a happy face, smiled and greeted him with open arms. It all backfired. He didn't like that. My behavior did not suit him and I was judged, criticised, condemed for putting on a smile and not acting miserable, sad, depressed over our problems like him. He raged and he left in the middle of dinner. I was so stupid to be set up again. It's the same old drama. He doesn't accept my behavior, tries to control it by judging and criticizing me, rages when I explain myself, then floods with blame, it's all my fault, fight and flight, gets in the last word - screaming at me, and then leaves - abandonment. I can't tell you how many times I've experienced this scenario. He has to destroy, destruct and negate everything. It was our anniversary. Yes, a little denial on my part, but I honestly had no plans to reconcile. I thought we could start acting like friends, adults. I didn't rage back. I didn't fight back. I just sat and stared at the lake without looking at him while he raged at me. He actually left twice, like raging at me once and threatening to leave wasn't enough. I ignored him, did not engage and he came back the second time. He actually said he was sorry that he could not make me happy. I stared off and said nothing.
I guess he's always going to react this way. I don't see it changing. He's a child. His N is pathological. It's in his genes. Thank god, we didn't bring a child into the world with him as a N father.
What I don't look forward to is divorcing the narcissist. He puts on an act like he can be reasonable and we can do this without lawyers and courts, but he's very stingy about his wealth (financial control) and I don't think we'll ever be on the same page with a settlement.
I'm not going to worry about that for now. The divorce will come much later no doubt. I'm just going to focus on healing, getting stronger and learning to deal with his N behavior so I don't feel like a mack truck just hit me.
