MISTAKES

[OR]

Sometimes I don't always know Im making a mistake until its too late.
My decisions to correct the mistake sometimes makes it worse.
Once the mistake has been made you must sit with it for a while then decide how to live with it.
The pain of the mistake can affect your life and those around you, it continues to haunt you, make you relive how you made the mistake and must now live with it.
I found this in a book maybe another way to look at a mistake in your life.



M  essages that give us feedback about life

I   nterruptions that should causse us to reflect  and think

S   ingnposts that direct us to the right path

T  ests that push us toward greater maturity

A  wakenings that keep us in the game mentally

K  eys that we can use to unlock the next door of opportunity

E  xplorations that let usjourney where we've never been before

S  tatements about our development and progress


How do you feel when you make a life changing mistake, how do you explain the mistake to those it has affected, your children, parents etc.

OR

[October]

How do you feel when you make a life changing mistake, how do you explain the mistake to those it has affected, your children, parents etc.

When my daughter used to get 8 or 9/10 at school for a test, I told her that was a good thing.  If she always got 10/10, it would mean that she was not learning anything, because we learn most from our mistakes.

I wish I could regard mistakes in the same way for myself.  A lot of what I don't do is constrained by fear of failure or inadequacy, or maybe just that what I have to say is not loud enough or interesting enough to be heard.  Do nothing rather than the wrong thing.   

[Brigid]

OR,
Fortunately, most mistakes are not life-changing, but good learning experiences and preparation for when the big ones come along.  I guess if we never take risks in life, we will rarely make a major mistake, but what would be the fun in that?  Taking risks is necessary for personal growth, imo, and sometimes they pay off and sometimes they don't.  As I write this, I am trying to think of a life-changing mistake I have made that had no redeeming qualities.  I could call the marriage to my xnh a major mistake, but because of my two wonderful children, it never could be considered that.  If I make a mistake in my parenting, I acknowledge it, apologize and we move on.  I could end up making a mistake in my personal life again, but I go back to my comment about taking risks.  If I don't have the courage to take the risk I will be stuck and controlled by my fears.  Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but unless or until it kills me and eats me, I'm going to keep trying.

Brigid

[gnostic says:)]

perhaps the most helpful thing about mistakes
is that with the right attitude
they can be corrected...
now some things are not mistakes coz they didnt work
but just coz others did not pick up on the opportunity
of the offering ...... hmmmmm

[Butterfly]

Just today I realized I made a big stupid mistake that I wasted 4 hours trying to fix a simple problem as it turned out, not to mention the wasted energy and frustration that went into failing to backtrack to the initial problem.  I could kick myself in the ass for being a knucklehead in the first place.  I guess mistakes are useless and stupid if nothing was learned from them.  Otherwise, they are packaged with valuable lessons to take away with.

When I make mistakes, big or small, they remind me that I'm still human.  That I haven't been transformed into superhuman yet.  I don't think it will happen anytime soon.   Mistakes keep me grounded in reality.  And that as I grow older, I don't grow into a "better" person by making less mistakes...just a person who can learn more from her mistakes.

[plucky as guest]

When I make mistakes, I berate myself mercilessly.  That is not right.  Of course I learned from my N mom.  And I inflict it on others.  It is hard to stop.  It is catching.  It is misery-making.  I need to let it go. 
Who decided anyway what a waste of time is?  So much time is spent doing things that are merely for show.  Things that will have to be redone tomorrow.   Think about other cultures.  Do they need to make obsessive use of every minute?  What about al the time we spend berating ourselves for our mistakes?  Is that a waste of time?  What is life for anyway, how should we be spending our time?
a coming unhinged
Plucky

[d'smom]

*Who decided anyway what a waste of time is?...... What is life for anyway, how should we be spending our time?*




hi plucky :}  you own your life and your time, YOU get to decide how to spend it, that is good news, right? people will always pressure us but the final verdict is up to YOU YOU YOU!
d'smom

[OR]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I 've been busy so thanks for bring up the thread.

Its 4am and I couldn't sleep, so taking the time now to chat.

My mistakes when they only affect me in a small way is no big deal, but when I do something Innocent and that turns into something bigger for someone elses life, I feel the guilt. Not sure what to do with the guilt.

I remember when my N-mother could make a small thing into a big guilt trip for me. Maybe what I thought was OK to say or do or believe turned into WRONG, therfore a mistake and now she could play with my head to give  some guilt. YUK! 

I was watching a show where people made decisions like plastic surgery, maybe for vain reasons.
then the surgery turned bad...........now they must live with that everyday and angry about it.

For me everyday I must make decisions that could affect my D and me too.
With  the divorce in a few months I will worry  making the right choice that will affect her good or bad.

Somtimes because of the fear of mistakes, you can make yourself crazy never making decisions so the guilt will not be yours. When you think about that fear it could paralze you, if you let it.
Part of life is to go out and make the mistakes so you learn from them.
The guilt when it affects others in a negative way is the difficulty for me. 

Im going back to bed my eyes are blurry now. ............. OR

[vunil]

Everyone kind of said this in a way already, but I think that we all do this (I do it too) ruminating over our flaws/mistakes because of our childhoods.  For me every time I made a mistake it was treated as FATAL and INDICATIVE OF DEEP HORRIBLENESS.  Two things happened-- I expected to get mocked and punished for every mistake, and I started to believe that the mistakes were in fact indications of a deep inadequacy.

I remember in therapy once years ago my therapist said, bluntly, "you appear to want me to pronounce you as deeply disturbed" and I said "well, I have a lot of crazy aspects to me-- I am not that functional" and she said "no, I am sorry to tell you, you don't.  I work with some people who are deeply disturbed, and you ain't it."  So then I tried to convince her I may not be disturbed, but I was a bad person!  She called me on that, too-- "why are you trying to convince me that you are horrible?"  Somehow it just seemed obvious to me that I was.  I had accepted it as truth.  And I would trot out these "horrible" events to her as proof.  She would just wave her hands and say "everyone does that" or "that's what I would have done in the same situation, so what?" 

It was very healing   I can't say I just up and took her word for it but I still remember those words.  When I read your first post, OR, the first two sentences, I thought, "so, then you are human!" 

It's nice that, unlike the N's in our life, we let ourselves see and feel and learn from our mistakes.  But for those of us raised like I was (seems like most here) the mistakes take on MEANING that they really don't have.  Maybe the key is to wave our hands and say "anyone could have done that.  So what!"

[amethyst]

 The N's of this world are shame-based, but disguise it from themselves and others with a thick veneer of shamelessness. They act as if they are perfect, never admitting they make mistakes, while constantly finding fault with their children, thereby engendering shame in us. Most of us were not allowed to make mistakes as kids without dire consequences.  I used to be totally devastated by my mistakes. I was so shame based that I really felt as if the world was going to end if I messed up. It has taken me years not to react with total panic when I goof up. 

I remember hearing that shame is like a  hot potato. Those of us who grew up with N parents have been handed that hot potato to keep. I guess it is our task to get rid of that hot potato without handing off it to someone else, thus creating another victim.

[OR]

vunil

I had accepted it as truth.  And I would trot out these "horrible" events to her as proof.  She would just wave her hands and say "everyone does that" or "that's what I would have done in the same situation, so what?" 

I will keep this in my mind if I have trouble shaking off the guilt. Thanks YOU are so wise.

I have learned so much about my own feelings, I do think sometimes my guilt runs deeper than some.
How could you think they would have done the same thing, when you believe THEY would have never said or done or reacted the same way.

I think this is how I was broght up feeling I was different, I looked at things different than my N-mother and then having such deep feelings to "DO the Right THING " doing the N-thing would never work for me.
And for that I pay the price to stand up to what I believe I need to do. I am becoming stronger in this area everday being away from my N-H. 

I love to say NO, Im not seeking others approval like I used to, they don't like my decision, the one that works for me then I guess thats my MISTAKE. I can live with MY decision better now, Im feeling stonger
Not to second guess myself and Stand-by MYSELF, giving me the mental support to be confident even if its a bad idea I will rethink it and try again without the shame for my mistake. 

 everone does   "that's what I would have done in the same situation, so what?" 

[/b]

As I move out of my Isolation from being married to my N, I will find people like I have found on this board that just say "SO WHAT"

amethyst

The N's of this world are shame-based, but disguise it from themselves and others with a thick veneer of shamelessness. They act as if they are perfect, never admitting they make mistakes, while constantly finding fault with their children, thereby engendering shame in us.

I can see how this is so true, you put in perfect perspective.  Putting the shame on others is just YUK!
Their SHAME is not worth the heartache it causes for everyone involved.

Were watching a favorite movie MATILDA, These parents are the biggest Ns ......

. got to go ......OR