X N getting worse with the children

[miaxo]

"I'm buzzin' around your head like a fly"

This is what XN tells the kids (5 and 7) when they don't talk openly to him.  My daugter said that, "Dad says he knows what they are thinking".  Before he used to tell 7 yo daughter this but now he is including 5 yo son.  I told my daughter that all it takes is a fly swatter to knock down and kill a fly when it's buzzing around your head.  Should I have said this to her? 

Also, X N told the children that they are no longer to refer to their stepdad as "Pop" and that they are to call him by his first name ONLY.  The children were very upset over this.  They have known stepdad for 4 years now and have lived with him as their stepdad for three.
They call him "pop" with great affection and endearment. 

Another issue is that X N has been taking pics of every knick and "boo boo" that the children get.  My daughter was helping my Mom carry in bags from Walmart two days ago and swung a bag with a box of juice boxes over her shoulder.  She ended up hurting herself (minor) and had a red mark on her shoulder blade area.  She stopped crying and then minutes later told her G-Mom that she was worried b/c "Daddy would see it and take pictures and Mommy will get in trouble."

Through all this he continues to threaten me with legal action if I don't give into his visitation demands.  A Judge just ruled six months ago that he is NOT to get any overnights during the school week but he keeps demanding this and even has his lawyer sending me threatening letters. 

A few weeks back he threw a fit out in my driveway b/c the kids were two minutes late going out.  Cussing, slamming his car door, yelling at me and my husband.  After he left with the kids he called the house and told my husband that "You're messing with a different animal, I'm going to catch you.....sprinkling in the "f" word.

My kids reported that while on a three day weekend trip with him out of state that "Daddy almost had the cops called on him".  He pulled in to get gas and when his credit card didn't work he went off on the gas attendant.  He told the guy he was a "f'in" idiot and got out of the car and started to yell in the guy's face.  My kids heard the attendant say, "Calm down" and"Get back".  X N continued to rant and rave at the guy and the kids said that Dad slammed the doors, etc and then got in the car and took off.  Whether or not he paid...who knows.

I have told all of this to the kid's therapist and have documented everything.  In a way I hope X N does file a motion b/c I went through all the emails he sent in a twenty two week period since court and counted up 25 legal threats and I will also bring forth his inappropriate parenting.

I don't know if you guys remember but I posted earlier in the summer that x N left the kids unattended in a tent overnight (lake in his yard) while he slept inside b/c his back hurt him.

Thanks for listening to my vent and any feedback is appreciated.

[Plucky]

Hi Mia,
what a jerk.  I feel tempted to sprinkle the f word around too!

I think your comment about the fly was brilliant.  It just allowed her to see it as a nuisance and take back the power to quell it.  Could you supply me with wise comebacks?  I will pay!

I wouldn't worry about the boo boos.  Everyone knows that kids walk around with bruises and cuts all the time.  Your kids will never say you hit them, so don't sweat it.  N-x is wasting his time and grasping at straws.

You seem so capable and you have a good hubby, so I think you are going to be ok.  What happened with the camping nites, did that continue?  what happened wth the PI and the sleazy characters?  Did I miss it someplace?

Maybe tell your kids that they can call their pop whatever they want, and it is not up to someone else to decide that.  When your X says things like that, you might want to tell them what to say.  Uh-huh, or nothing, they don't need to argue with him. 

When is the judge going to stop the visits altogether?   It seems really overdue.
Good luck and I wish your children safety and happiness.
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Miaxo,

This is so upsetting!  I cannot even imagine how your children must feel.  It's so difficult to witness even when you are grown up.  

"You're messing with a different animal,

  That's for sure!!!

I am extremely worried for your children and you.  Can you go talk with your community service officer (the police) and ask him for advice before there is a real emergency?  And of course, your attorney.  I guess I would be upset and feeling paranoid if I did this, but maybe you want to document the children's injuries yourself, just to CYA.  Can you secretly videotape his tantrums in the driveway?  Seeing is believing for law enforcement, social workers, and courts.

I was going to say your children can tell him it's their choice what they call your H, but maybe they should call him by his name when N is around just for protection, but go on calling him "pop" when N isn't around.  The tent overnight borders on child endangerment.  Young children and water do not mix.

Continue to document everything, tell all now, do not expect the police to protect you but get them on your side.  I know sometimes Ts do not recommend a restraining order because it can make things worse actually.  You might want to talk this over with people you trust.  Sorry if I'm repeating anything mentioned on earlier replies to your threads.

I should tell you I have not had any experience remotely like this....so weigh that in when you read my comments, please.  I'm so glad you have a new caring H and your mother to support you.  (((Miaxo)))  MP

PS As I writing, Plucky sent a more hopeful reply.   .  Maybe I am overreacting.  I wish I could hug your kids.  Take care, MP

[Plucky]

PS As I writing, Plucky sent a more hopeful reply.   .  Maybe I am overreacting.  I wish I could hug your kids.  Take care, MP

Actually, miss piggy, I read your note and thought, oh, I was too complacent!  Guess that is the good part of having many opinions.
All I can add is what you already know.  You Are Right and He Is Wrong.  This must be very stressing, hacving to send your little ones to this animal!  I hope it will be over soon.
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Hi Plucky!

Hopefully Miaxo will find a nice safe solution that's just right.   

Actually I have had an experience remotely like this.  I know an N that after I had my children, I felt like she was a danger to my children.  But it was much easier to break off from her than a spouse.  She had no claim to my children, thank god. But it was pretty alarming.

MP

[mudpuppy]

Hi Mia,

So why can't your lawyer write him a letter telling him you're going to sue him if he doesn't stop harrassing, threatening and intimidating you?
And if he refuses to behave why can't you go ahead and sue him?
Why not make the bastard pay?

mudpup

[d'smom]

mia you said:
This is what XN tells the kids (5 and 7) when they don't talk openly to him.  My daugter said that, "Dad says he knows what they are thinking".  Before he used to tell 7 yo daughter this but now he is including 5 yo son.  I told my daughter that all it takes is a fly swatter to knock down and kill a fly when it's buzzing around your head.  Should I have said this to her? 



hey mia how nasty. he sounds like he is bordering mentally ill.  about the fly comment: i think that is very dangerous what he is telling them.. to believe people can get in your head and read your thoughts..... that is the ultimate in having no boundaries and being unsafe. when people are psychotic that is what they think, that people can get inside their head.

the comment you made was very good - but i would take it a little further and be extremely straight with them about this right now. (just me)  i think this is very serious and i would look them straight in the eye and tell them NOONE can see inside ANYONE elses head in no uncertain terms. i wouldnt doll it up with anything, they need to know this absolutley straight. thats just my opinion. its good to give them images to use to defuse it and you know your kids and what they respond to - however .... i dont know. i would nip this in the bud in no uncertain terms. THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. they own their body, they own their mind, they can call people they love any dang thing they choose, and NOONE can see inside THEIR OWN THOUGHTS. if you dont feel your mind is safe..... my god, what is/?????

just my feeling. good luck - i hope you find a way to detangle from this nut.

[miaxo]

Hey D's Mom

I did tell the kids that there is no way that Dad can know what they are thinking.  My daughter understands this but my son is younger and may take Dad's word for it.  From what my daughter describes, my son is very guarded around X N and won't talk.  I tell them to ignore Dad when he says such things b/c they are completely silly.

Mud, we are gearing up for court.  I have so much written corespondence from X N that isn't in the least bit flattering for him or his attorney.
Something will be happening by Fall.

Miss Piggy,  the T nor my attorney recommended a restraining order....at least not yet.  Also, they steered me away from calling family services.  The police have been contacted for his threatening behavior in my drive and for his threatening phone call.  Police reports were filed.
I'm sure the cops get sick of this BS b/c I know I do.  It's nothing but complete NONSENSE that I am forced to deal with and at times I don't know what is the best way to handle it.  My focus is on getting a long paper trail...yes, longer than it is now.

Plucky,
I have the PI involved.  He hasn't been able to find anything on the seedy friends yet.  According to the kids they have not had any contact with these freaks since the last time I posted about it.  I do my share as well.  I do drive by in hopes of finding a vehicle that I can get plate #'s but so far I haven't been lucky.   The PI was able to uncover financial stuff that I didn't know existed that would positively impact child support. 

I'm patiently getting all my ducks in a row waiting for the next court appearance.  The T told me that he hasn't been in contact with her and was supposed to call a schedule an appt while he had the kids a month ago.  As of yesterday, she still hadn't heard from him.  One more thing that will go against him since this therapy was court ordered and he already was contempt b/c he was late in his initial contact with the T.

Since I reopened my email to him I have recieved "good stuff" from him.  He's digging his hole with every key he pushes on his computer.

Thanks for all the quick responses.

[Plucky]

he sounds like he is bordering mentally ill.

he sounds like a full citizen who long ago crossed the border!
a silly
Plucky

[Brigid]

Mia,
Since I don't have any experience with this kind of crazy-making, I have no words of wisdom, but I did want you to know I'm keeping you and your kids in my prayers.  I hope the a$$hole finds that cliff to fall from soon so you and the kids will be saved from his insanity.  It sounds like he is really coming unhinged.  I pray the courts rule in your favor.

((((((((Mia & children)))))))))))))))

Brigid

[d'smom]

mia said:
I did tell the kids that there is no way that Dad can know what they are thinking.  My daughter understands this but my son is younger and may take Dad's word for it.  From what my daughter describes, my son is very guarded around X N and won't talk.  I tell them to ignore Dad when he says such things b/c they are completely silly.


thats good mia.... its really more than just silly though, to me... not trying to be dramatic here but its like on the level of 'safe touch' and who owns your body......... its really important that kids understand that only they control their thoughts............ seriously, it can induce really bad phobias to think people can read your thoughts, its nothing to mess with.

im only saying this beucase i was much older, a teenager, and i still had that phobia induced from the mental hospital, they watched us 24/7 with cameras, bugged the rooms with intercoms - strip searched us etc, to where we didnt feel we owned our thoughts, and even though i was way older than a little kid, it induced a phobia in me that other people could get inside my head, that was very hard to shake and very unnerving.

i say this from experience. it took a number of years before i felt 'safe' again to where i really thought that i could think something safely, without other people doing something to me becuase of it. its really not fun. it may seem completely silly but in a situation of stress, it could be taken more seriously than it seems by little kids.

i think its important for kids to know they control their thoughts as much as they control their bodies, for safety... that being said, yes its silly. just the effects of it, are not silly.
anyhow take care

[miaxo]

Thanks Brigid.  Hope everything is well with you.

D's Mom.  Thanks for the input regarding thought control.  I will have another talk with the kids and I will tell the T about it again so that she can reinforce it to the kids as well.

Take care.

[miss piggy]

You know, on the thought control, this is a slightly different angle (maybe), my Nbro would provoke me and I would blurt something under my breath.  Or sometimes I would just be thinking out loud and get an adverse initial reaction from him.  He wouldn't hear all of it or ask me to repeat it or something.  Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!  Tell me!  Tell me!  He would NOT let up until I told him and then he would make fun of whatever it was I said.  He would follow me around the house.  It was beyond obnoxious.  The only way I could make him stop was to tell him.  Then get the abuse.  Then it would stop. 

Another time he wanted to read the book of revelations from the bible (during the time of really freaky devil movies) in a really dramatic monotonous robotic "possessed" voice.   It would really spook me and again he would follow me around the house and not stop, just kept going.  What a jerk.

MP