Crazymaking behavior

[wokeupatlast]

I'm losing it.  My stbx was supposed to come with a truck to get her things from the house this Saturday.  Even though I had a big knot in my stomach at the thought of spending several hours in her company (even with a friend as a witness), I was beginning to look forward to "her" being gone from my environment.  Yesterday the lawyer called and said she once again couldn't "get enough help together" so it was postponed for the fourth time until the next Saturday.  All of August we have been playing this game.

Meanwhile she has been telling people that I'm holding her things hostage.  And they believe her.

Meanwhile my friend has had four Saturdays on hold without being able to make other plans.

I know this is typical behavior for Ns.  What is driving me crazy is that I'm walking around the house "hearing" the comments she'll be making if/when she finally does show up.  It's like I've internalized her negativity/shaming. 

She apparently shows up at her lawyers with the same "posse" she brings to court.  I picture them like the chorus in a Greek tragedy repeating the shameful "controlling and abusiive" things she has projected onto me.  Part of the posse are the neighbors across the street so I don't have to look far to feel the condemnation.  I just don't understand how I could have been set up without even knowing what was happening. 

Guess I read the thread about shame again.

[Brigid]

Dear Wokeup,
Is there any chance you could just put all her stuff on the front lawn and make her come pick it up?  Then no one could accuse you of refusing her access and I bet she'd find a way to make it happen a lot faster.  I arranged to be away from the house the day my ex came to get his stuff.  I wasn't worried that he would take anything that was meaningful to me and it would all get worked out in the divorce decree anyway.  I made it clear to him that he was to take everything of his that day or I could do what I wanted with it.  Just a thought. 

Marta,

What is stbx by the way? Not too up on the lingo.

Soon-to-be-ex. 

Blessings,

Brigid

[miss piggy]

Dear Wokeup,

Can you also just mention in passing to the neighbors across the street that you have held the house open for four weekends and it's "miscommunication" like this that weakens a relationship?     If you can calmly assert your truth without accusations and without condemning them, it may help.  something like "I can understand why you might be upset with someone who wouldn't let their STBX back into the house, I would be too..."

I know I hate confrontation, and I wished I could have spoken up to a couple of people sooner about a psycho in my past.  OTH, "truth will out" (eventually).  And it has, but I could have spared myself some pain if I had spoken up.  Just a thought.  (And don't let me push you, by any means!)  MP

[plucky as guest]

Hi wokeup,
I understand the dread and the knots in your stomach.  I agree with Marta - can you box her stuff up and either leave it on the porch or have it delivered to her?  
Then you can get a burglar alarm.  Don't change the locks, just get the alarm.  Then you may feel some safety in your space.  If you change the locks she might use that in court.  But I think that the alarm can just be a secruity thing for ou - you're not used tobeing alone in the house, etc.
Hang in there and definitely get your story out there.  Be shameless, or should I say, shame-free!
Plucky

[Brigid]

If you change the locks she might use that in court. 

I'm not sure what the laws are in your area, but I was changed all my locks several weeks after he moved out and was only required to notify him that I had done so.  Prior to that, he would sneak over to the house when no one was home to access things.  My attorney told me I was entitled to the sanctity of my home that he chose to leave. 

If you have any question about this, consult your attorney.  I would also advise your attorney to notify her attorney that her things must be moved out by a certain date (if putting it out on the front lawn won't work) or you'll have it picked up and put into storage.  I know how difficult it is to show strength when you are hurting so badly, but you cannot let her continually run the show.  Taking some control of the situation will help you to get through this.

Brigid

[wokeupatlast]

Well, there was more to the never ending saga of crazymaking when I arrived home yesterday.  First of all, her car was parked across the street (she has the neighbors convinced she is the victim here).  When I go to the mailbox there is a letter from her lawyer to mine saying she will only come get her stuff if I am not there plus she wants her three hours during the week with me also not there to inventory.  Then some BS about how she was all prepared with truck and crew on July 23rd which was the court ordered date; hell, none of us got the court order until July 26th her included so unless she reads minds...

So I call my laywer and he's busy.  Then I pace around the kitchen table in circles for an hour trying to calm down.  Everyone says to set some boundaries but when your dealing with lawyers who seem much more happy with each other than with you the client, every time you stand up they push you back down.

But yeah, why is she always calling the shots?

Talk to my friendly neighbor last night and find out S. called her down and chatted her up.  Said I was the one preventing her from getting her things, I keep on postponing it.  Said I was really, really sick and she hoped I was getting some help.  Not sure that S. wasn't in the house yesterday since I got a hang up call at work (I work an hour away) and the neighbor told me that was about when her car appeared.

Today I finally talk to my lawyer and he says to forget about the letter he already yelled at her lawyer about it.  I ask, how am I supposed to know that?  Oh, I guess I should have let you know...  So I fire back an email letting him know I'm getting totally different advice here: the therapist says to stand up and establish boundaries, the lawyer seems to think everything will be OK if we all just show goodwill.  When was the last time I saw goodwill from her?  When she wanted something from me before we separated.  When will be the next time I see it?  Never.

I'm jut thankful there are no children involved. 

[Plucky]

When was the last time I saw goodwill from her?  When she wanted something from me before we separated.  When will be the next time I see it?  Never.

Durn right  You sound good now.  I like that justified anger.  If she has to be in your place for 3 hours alone, ask for either a neutral witness, or take pictures and inventory before she comes in, also remove anything you value.  And push your attorney - they only respond to pressure, usually.
Good luck
Plucky