Help-Trouble with NFriends-Stuck-Long

[amethyst]

I know that one of my jobs as a kid was to take care of my mother and her feelings. One of my counselors described me as "the family therapist." I was constantly told to put my needs aside and not to be selfish. I was trained to be a good listener, to be compassionate and empathetic. I used to be so co-dependent that I was afraid to express any needs that I might have...in fact, I was afraid to even acknowledge that I might have any needs at all. I was also the family scapegoat. My mother was very N and was very competitive with me, putting me down constantly. My father was a depressed and abusive alcoholic who could be very charming when he felt like it.

 Both of my parents are deceased. I have no relationship with my totally N brother who took part in some of the abuse that I suffered as a child.

I have had years of therapy and done a ton of work on myself. I know who I am. Life gives me a great deal of joy. I have male friends, I have a great relationship with my second husband, and I am close to  my twenty-year old daughter, who still lives with us. However, I am stuck in a horrible place when it comes to developing true friendships with women. I always end up getting used.

When I first started healing, I became very aware that I was attracted to alcoholic, domineering, charismatic N men. They really rang my chime. I swore off romantic relationships until I got over that "addiction". I was also a single mom with a 2 year old daughter after my divorce and I did not want to have a revolving door of boyfriends coming in and out of our lives.  When I first met my second husband, I was not romantically attracted to him because he didn't have that N alcoholic vibe. We became friends and then our relationship slowly developed into a romance. We have been happily married for 13 years. I love him with all my heart and I trust him; the feeling is mutual. Our relationship is a healthy one...we can be who we are with eachother. My male friends aren't Ns either. But I bomb out when it comes to women.

I seem to be absolutely stuck when it comes to female friendships. They always start out great and end when I realize that once again I am re-living the same pattern that I had with my mother, which was all give and no take. I remember coming home one day many years ago and the answering machine was going. My mom was talking to it, just going on and on. I picked up the phone and said hello. She just kept on talking without a break for ten more minutes, never said hello or anything to acknowledge that I was there. My therapist at the time said,"So she could have been just talking to a machine as far as she was concerned. You are a machine to her. Just one generous mechanical ear. How do you feel about that?" I laughed. I have not been able to get past the laugh reaction even now when I think about this. That laugh tells me I am not willing to really feel what was going on.

I just ended a three year friendship with someone, let's call her M, who eventually became a business partner about six months ago. She supplied me with some of the merchandise that I sell. After we started working together, and I was making money for her, she started treating me with almost contempt, as if I had ceased to exist as a person. For instance, I recently lost a beloved pet. She never even mentioned it. Every conversation we had was lengthy and it was usually about her personal problems.  M had a traumatic childhood.  M would repeat the same stories over and over, word for word, sometimes several times in the same call. It was nothing to be stuck on the phone with M for two or three hours. I confronted her about this several times. M would vow to change but would revert to the same behaviour in the next call. I would end up feeling as if I had been assaulted and bombarded...just used. I told her that she needed to stop using me as a therapist, which is exactly what she was doing. I do have to admit that the trend was there from the absolute beginning of our relationship, but I just did not see it or recognize it for what it was. When my pet died, and I was devastated, that's when I began to think that maybe this was a repeat.

M would also not keep business commitments and had many excuses. If I had something I needed to discuss, she would have every excuse in the world for not dealing with it, from being tired to being dyslexic. She would actually tell me her brain could not process what I was telling her. If I did get a couple sentences in, it would only be with many interruptions and arguments. In addition, as the months have past, she has been sending me things of less quality, or things I would have to take apart and clean in order to sell. I had also addressed this concern, but she kept sending stuff that needed help.

After our last conversation, in which M descended to new lows, I sent her an email. Here is part of it. "You want the conversations to be all about you. If I try to talk about anything that is of interest to me, you use several techniques for forcing the conversation back to yourself. You interrupt, you suddenly have a headache, you say you feel sick, you say you are dyslexic and don't understand, you say you have to go, you start talking to your cat, you tell me how you are flushing your cigarettes, you override me and you talk louder, and you even whine, so in effect you shout me down and shut me up. In other works, you do anything you can to not listen. You are extremely manipulative and controlling....and I am tired of it. When I say ok, you suddenly go back to hours of droning on and on about yourself, so that negates most of the excuses you give. I cannot get off the phone with you either. If you get the feeling I have been avoiding you, I have. Friendship should be a pleasure and a joy...not a f***g unpaid therapy session."

" Until you are capable of making some very major changes in regards to our interactions, I am just not willing to talk on the phone with you. If you do call me and start with the interruptions, overrides, advice...and the monologues, I am going to hang up, so be forewarned.
 
Please don't tell me you are sorry. That's meaningless."

I also told her I am severing our business relationship. Whatever financial difficulty comes from this will be well worth the peace of mind. My hubby jokingly said now I will have time to start two more businesses and get a PHD on top of it...lol.

Anyway, I am not laughing about my friend. I have had so many friendships like this, but this was by far the most extreme. (I guess I needed to get whacked with a two by four to GET it.) After I sent the letter, I started doing some serious reading about narcissism...and when I ran across a sentence of how narcissism can look like a learning disability and how Ns have trouble listening, I got it. I really got it. Neither my mother or M could listen unless it somehow had something to do with them.

I could just kick myself in the butt. Why can't I get the female friendship thing together the way I have with the male friends?

 

 

[Brigid]

Welcome amethyst,
I could relate to so much of what you said--I too had that therapist-kind of relationship with my parents, only my father was more the n and my mother the nabler.  They are also both dead and I have only 1 brother with whom I have no relationship.

I had a friend just like the one you described.  She would call me every day and spend hours on the phone telling me all about her problems and never once asking me how I was doing.  In her mind, she was the only one who ever had problems and she couldn't be bothered with hearing what I might have going on in my life.  There finally came a breaking point (after several attempts at confronting her and her saying she would do better), which was, of course, all my fault.  By then, I didn't care what she thought.  I needed for the relationship to end as it was bleeding me dry.  I have not missed that relationship for 1 second in the last 2 years.  But as a result of the end of that relationship, I was able to form a very close friendship with 3 other women (it would take too long to explain the scenerio), who are now my best friends. 

I wish I could tell you how to find those healthy, mutual friendships, but I don't know that there is a formula.  I don't think it is too different from curing yourself of forming relationships with difficult, dangerous men.  You need to get yourself healthy, heal the deep-seated wounds, and you will attract other healthy people.  My closest friends have developed from a common interest that brought us to a group to pursue that interest, so maybe you could start there.

I wish you well.

Brigid

[Chicken]

Hi Amethyst!  

Welcome aboard, I am new too! I'm sure you will find this board really helpful as I do.

I can really relate to your story, mine is the exact same but different.  

You said that you have done heaps of work on yourself and it sounds like you know a lot about your inner workings and the reasons behind them.  
Intellectually you have grasped it, but you are not yet practising it.  Easier said than done, believe me, I am in the same boat.  

You are allowing these women into your life and this is where YOU are contributing.  
You should never have allowed yourself to get so far as trying to explain to "your friend" who clearly, clearly will never understand/llisten to you or stop her behaviour, thus not meeting your needs.  
You are choosing the wrong women to have a friendship with.
She will never be able to give you what you want.  
She just isn't the kind of person.
These are selfish, needy, inconsiderate, rude women, and you persist with them because they allow you to go back to your childhood and replay the same issues over and over again.  You are trying once more to achieve that which you never achieved with your parents.  

You will never ever be able to get through to these people.
You will not be able to change them.  
This is why you are so frustrated.  

you need to recognise these people for who they are and cut them out of your life as soon as possible.  

[Chicken]

I wish I could tell you how to find those healthy, mutual friendships, but I don't know that there is a formula.  I don't think it is too different from curing yourself of forming relationships with difficult, dangerous men.

Amethyst, you might find it helpful to read my thread "A string of unfulfilling relationships", although my problem is with men, I think there might be a lot on there which you may relate to.

x Selkie x

[amethyst]

All of this has been wonderful advice. It really helped me to read Selkie's thread about the series of addictive relationships with men. I was there once too...addicted to the intensity (and fear) and mistaking it for love. Fear can make your heart pound too....and that can feel like passion.

I just had another incredible insight about my relationships with these women Ns. Instead of the friendships building and developing gradually over time, they were instant and intense, somewhat like the addictive love that I used to look for with the N alcoholic men, but without the sexual element. In each case, the women seemed to idealize me as this perfect "earth mother" type. I was seen as extremely generous and kind. In each case, the women praised me for qualities of generosity and kindness that they saw as extraordinary, which felt very uncomfortable, because I am not extraordinarily generous and kind. I do have limits and boundaries. I also have, like every one else on the planet, my times when I feel selfish and angry...and can be a bit of a grump. 

I can see the set-up now. These women were trying to get me to mother them. Because I had to mother my own mother, this was like falling back into an old trap. Once they defined me as being 'all-giving"...I was stuck with that role and felt I had to live up to it. It didn't help that I am basically quiet and thoughtful, sometimes slow to speak. Having grown up in a home where words were used like weapons, I tend to choose my words carefully. They probably saw that as a sign of weakness.

I was very enmeshed with my mother and I became enmeshed with these women. However, I am not all-giving and I do know how to say no. Each of these friendships came to an end when I began to set limits and boundaries. In each case, the women became abusive, controlling and rageful. Each of these friendships has been an incredible energy drain.

The next time I meet someone that sees me as an all-giving "earth mother" with extraordinary qualities, I am going to RUN in the opposite directioin. I think I have finally got it.

I don't miss my "friend"...I am just very upset with myself that I didn't put a stop to it sooner.

[bunny]

Welcome amethyst,

I can relate! I used to have women friends who abused me, bossed me around, expected/demanded hours of phone attention (even at work!!), and treated me like crap if I had any needs.

Here's what I learned:

--- I was replaying childhood dramas, with these women playing my surrogate sisters and mom. I was reenacting old tapes of submission, rebellion, and hope for connection with difficult, impossible females.

--- I attracted bossy women by catering to them at first, and showing them my boundaries were fuzzy. Then I had trouble getting rid of them because of their rage and anger.

--- I ended up bitterly resentful toward them and guilty for leading them to believe I would fulfill all of their narcissistic demands.

--- I understood these women would NOT CHANGE; this was how they were hardwired. My only option was to cut them off and tolerate the rage and possible retaliation.

--- I understood that I had to give myself baseline standards and boundaries for friendship and stick to them. It was up to me, not up to disturbed women, to enforce my own standards.

--- I understood that I had to avoid, and block, women approaching me who were too bossy and overbearing.

--- I understood that I COULD HAVE surrogate moms and siblings, but they had to be warm and kind. Bossiness was not an option anymore.

bunny

[spyralle]

Oh how wierd all this is...  I attract these women like magnets....  i attract women who delight out of putting me down in public.  i used to work with this doctor.  there were occasions when she would be really lovely and do really kind things, but then when we were amongst others she used to put me down.  In front of my patients, during conferences we did together.  funnily enough the last time was the night I got together with my ex N.  We were at someones leaving party and she told him that if I had a leaving party nobody would go...  I never thought of that before I just swapped her for him...

I also attract bossy women.  i had this other friend who, after my partner had died used to come over to my house and talk about herself and her troubles with her boyfriend, for hours and hours and hours.  When I tried to talk about my grief once she said.  "Oh Spyralle you need to realise he is gone and he isn't coming back...."  So more about me.....

Then I had this other friend who used to make jokes about my house, and my things... and well me really.  Just constant put downs.  Then I had this other friend who I used to run around after all the time, then I would ask her to do something for me and she would simply say no I don't feel like it....  And on and on it goes....

Women terrify me.  I have one best friend who is not like that and I think she was sent to me from somewhere to help me and keep me sane.  I have the most awful experiences with women at work.  there a always one narcissistic manipulative woman who makes a beeline for me wherever I go.  I must have some kind of tatoo on my forehead that narcissists can spot a mile off saying...  Go on give me a good kicking... The pleasure you will have!!!!!  Bunny is right, the only option is to cut them off....

i always try to protect myself against these women and I have to say I am about as good at this as I am at protecting myself against N men....  But I am learning now because I am opening my eyes...xxx

Spyralle x

[miss piggy]

Welcome Amethyst,

This is a very thought-provoking issue for me.  I grew up in a very anti-female house and had no sisters.  I also grew up trained to listen all the while not being accepted for who I am and what i think.  To this very day, I feel very anxious to express my opinions (thankfully I am still able to form them!).  I am very private.  I am tolerant of conflicting opinions but silence means agreement to most people (N or not).  When I do get the nerve to express myself, many people feel betrayed in a way because they hadn't realized that I didn't agree with them but just entertaining various opinions.  So my voicelessness in friendships continue.

I have been burned so many times by the gossips.  I don't know how to do that special code language some women have mastered to mask their aggression.  It's similar to the Japanese custom of saying "yes" when they mean "yes, I hear you" vs. "yes, I agree with you".  I also hold myself apart because I am hardwired to expect other people to be demanding and overwhelming.  So I feel better off being alone.  It's all or nothing so I will give nothing because I cannot bear to be consumed by your needs (like I was by my father).

My focus at this time is to work on accepting my own opinions and appreciating myself, independently of what other people may think.  It's very hard, esp. given the part of the country I live in (very conservative and striving).  When I meet people outside our area, I am always relieved and sometimes surprised at how relaxed and accepting they can be.  This is also a challenge because I heard over and over while growing up what a "together" family we had vs. the other people with problems.  That is, if families have problems, you don't want to spend time with them.  I'm just beginning to realize and accept and be grateful that no one has a perfect family, and that's something we all have in common as humans.  That's why we help each other.  But Ndad didn't help anyone except with blah blah blah advice from afar and a wave of the hand.

Thank you.  It helps to know I am not the only one struggling with this.  MP

[Sallying Forth]

I was very enmeshed with my mother and I became enmeshed with these women. However, I am not all-giving and I do know how to say no. Each of these friendships came to an end when I began to set limits and boundaries. In each case, the women became abusive, controlling and rageful. Each of these friendships has been an incredible energy drain.

The next time I meet someone that sees me as an all-giving "earth mother" with extraordinary qualities, I am going to RUN in the opposite directioin. I think I have finally got it.

Hi Amethyst, welcome to the board!

I too can relate to what you said especially about your relationship with your mother. I was an extension of my Nmother and didn't have my own identity. I am only now at age 52 beginning to define myself.

With my mother I was a sympathetic ear to all her marriage problems, childhood problems, this problem and that problem. Whatever it was I heard it. However because she is a true N and OCPD she wouldn't go on and on about her problems - she had to look perfect. I too have picked girlfriends who are Nish and needed me as a sounding board.

In therapy this week I realized that I have many dichotomies within me. I've got the love/hate dichotomy. The approval/disapproval dichotomy. The listener/talker. The energetic/laid back. etc. In order to have a relationship with my Nmother had to exercise both parts of these dichotomies. I would vacillate between two dichotomies in every situation. Eventually this became the rule for all my female relationships. I realized this after my last Ngirlfriend relationship. I do think that woman might be a true N too but I will never know for sure. She was nearly like my mother in every way. However I never noticed that. And it was that way from the start. Since the demise of that “friendship” I decided I would not allow any more women friends into my life until I got to the bottom line - why I seek out these women. And until I heal from the things which would attract these women into my life.

Most of the women I attract are motherly BUT want to be “mothered” too. So they have a dichotomous relationship with me and I have one with them. Also when I meet someone I know I must “act” a specific way which attracts this type of person to me. Maybe it is behaving within these dichotomies that attracts them to me?

[amethyst]

All this is so fascinating to read. I no longer feel so isolated and strange, as if I am the only person with the problem of N women friends. I too can relate to being a victim of the gossip and backbiting that sometimes goes on with Nish friends...or as my hubby says, "so-called friends." I have been scapegoated and ostracized more than a few times after being honest about what I really thought and felt. Very painful....especially for someone like me who craves inclusion and acceptance.

I am in my 50's also...and now I have to learn to relate to women in a healthy way. It seems overwhelming. I never learned the language, the cues and the nuances of being with women. I was a tomboy, very active. I had no interest in dolls and jumprope. I also had a problem with being a "brain,"which made it somewhat hard to relate to my peers growing up. On top of that, coming from a dysfunctional home made me feel "terminally unique" and awkward. My mother was not a good role model, either. She hated her sister and her mother...and had no close women friends. I had no sisters and grew up in a male oriented household where I was definitely a second class citizen.

It seems my husband has a better bs detector than I do when it comes to women. He has liked none of the women I have had trouble with. A healthy thing to do may be to have him act as a reality check next time.

I do hope eventually to develop healthy relationships with women, but I just don't know how to do it. It is like learning a new language. I think this is going to be a long haul. I'm just praying for the willingness to try, rather than withdrawing and becoming a female hermit.

When we talk about dichotomies in behavior and feelings, I think that is the human condition. What all of us need is to nurture and to be nurtured; a real friendship is give and take and is accepting of our different ways of being and feeling. I want to meet and get to know people who are ok with me when I'm not exactly on top of the world...and who aren't so demanding that I get sucked up into N stuff and lose myself. I also want my friends to be ok with me when I am feeling wonderful and not have the need to knock me down. So far, my close friends have not been at all accepting of who I really am or how I have really felt. They just wanted me to be all nurturing, generous and kind 100% of the time.

If a woman approaches me and wants instant intimacy, I will hopefully know what a hook that is for me and run from it. I have to take that "earth mother" sign off my forehead.

I guess it is time for me to write down a list of what I want in healthy same sex relationships. I did this with men and it turned my life around.

[Sallying Forth]

I'm not referring to the human condition of dichotomies rather another personality disorder, OCPD or Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. After posting here I started to read more about the dichotomies in OCPD. I discovered that OCPD is a type of "solution" to the problem of anxiety. The objects of desire and pleasure are turned to for security when basic trust is lost.


When walking my dog this evening I got the biggest hit ever about relationships and my Nmother. She never developed any friendships outside my father's work.   She "related" to the wives of my Nfather's subordinates whom he brought over for business meetings. Those relationships of course were all superficial. And of course she was "above" them because of their husbands' positions.

She never sought after relationships with other women. Her extreme judgmentalness towards women in our neighborhood showed when she decided who I could play with based on who she liked. Basically that was no one. My Nmother had something horrible to say about every women on our block. They were never good enough for her and therefore their daughters never good enough for me. She isolated me from making connections unless they fit her criteria. However she never made friends with any of these women.

Then there was the opposing and confusing behavior of finding "acceptable" mothers when I was in junior high and high school. She would always accept those who she considered "less than" her and never ones who could be her equal or better. She never made friends with these women.

I believe she did have one relationship with a lady across the street. She turned out to be a gossip and would tell everyone, anything that my Nmother would say to her.

It is no wonder that I cannot form healthy female relationships. I had no role model!


amethyst, you said you crave inclusion and acceptance.

Could this be part of the problem?

Just a thought. I know when I need something badly enough I will settle for whatever crumbs I can get rather than waiting for what I want.

At this point I'm not sure what I would desire in a female relationship.

[Brigid]

Sally,
My mother (who I haven't previously considered to be an n, but maybe I need to rethink) hated to have any kind of relationship with women.  She would socialize with couples with my father, but many times told me that women alone bored her.  That she always preferred the company of men.  My mother was a beautiful woman, who kept herself in good shape until the Alzheimer's set in.  She got a great deal of pleasure from men complimenting her and noting her beauty.  Consequently, she had no friends and seemed to be OK with that.  I could never understand it and have always had a good number of girl friends who I value a great deal.  I think that in almost every way, I am the opposite of my mother and rather than seeing her as a role model, I endeavored to be everything she was not.  My brother is exactly like her and at age 45, doesn't have a friend in the world, or even a spouse for that matter.  A very sad existence, imo.

Brigid

[vunil]

What an interesting thread!  So much of it rings a bell.  I had a friend EXACTLY like the friend you describe--and I posted here about her and people suggested she might be borderline.  I think she is.  And I have been caught up in the bitchy-gossipy-yuck several times at work, always with women.  I still have a hard time figuring out how to read women and how to guard against the possibility that they will betray my trust or suddenly turn on me in some weird way.  It is amazing how many women will just turn around and hurt a "friend" without very much impetus to do so-- just for a funny anecdote to tell someone else or for the chance to feel superior for a minute.

My guess for the reasons for the propensity of women to act this way are that (1) more women than men are borderline, so you're going to find them more often, and (2) women are not allowed to have explicit direct power in the same way that men are, so they need to get power in these subtle and weird ways.  And I guess there is a third one:  (3) a LOT of women are amazingly insecure and prone to jealousy.  Maybe the first two issues cause this third one.

That last one is a killer.  Once I notice that a woman has become insecure and jealous around me I know that she will excuse any amount of ill treatment of me.  The women who used to call me and give a soliloquy of her troubles, then basically get off the phone when it was my turn to talk, felt this was ok because (she often implied) I have more than she does and I "have no right" to complain like she does.  The irony is her conclusion isn't even true.  She has it very easy in many ways.  Anyway, who thinks of friendship in such a competitive way anyway?  It's weird.

So what is the solution?  I must say I have a lot of great women in my life, but as in my childhood the women tend to be more tomboyish, independent, and what a very gender-stereotyped person might call "masculine."  They tend to have lots of male friends (as I do) and they have success in some area of life that bolsters them.  Not that they don't have girly qualities, but the thing they have in common is that they will look you right in the eyes and say honest upfront things and I hardly ever feel that the point of our friendship is to fill up their low self-esteem or to "help them" in some lopsided way.  Of course, we do that for each other, but that's different.


But I'm not sure how to handle those other kind of women at work.  They still terrify me. I have one right now who seems intermittently bent on going after me.  I want to put her energies toward going after someone else but that hasn't happened yet. She only goes after women and there aren't that many around right now.   It seems that if I don't do exactly what she wants, agree with her at all times, that she will be filled with rage and try to undermine me.  There doesn't seem to be a me in the relationship-- just her, her insecurity and her rage.

It's a mystery.  Anyone who has a hint what to do, let me know!  At work it's tough because I can't just walk away.
I guess I'd also like the advice everyone else is asking for-- how do I avoid setting these women off on their crazy walk in the first place?

[bunny]

I do hope eventually to develop healthy relationships with women, but I just don't know how to do it. It is like learning a new language.

If you want to learn how women operate, try this book, You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. In a nutshell, men are about hierarchies and "rules" of how things work, and women are about seeking identifications. Women crave connections and identifying with other people. Men want to know where they stand in relation to another person. I'm simplifying it; men/women aren't all stereotypes. But I've used this concept in my interactions and it's been quite useful.

Another idea is the yin/yang model. Male energy is about action, making things happen, accomplishing missions, carrying goals into reality. Female energy is about intuition, creativity, mystery, dreams and imagination, caring, emotion. There is also the Shadow side to both of these energies (e.g., male - violence, aggression; female - manipulation, hysteria). We have both male and female energy. When you're dealing with a woman, you might observe whether she is using her female or male energy at that moment, and strategize accordingly. For example, a woman coworker of mine is very shadow-female energy most of the time. She is manipulative, hysterical, meddling, out of control, boundaries are poor, etc. So my strategy with her is to be more "male" and have strong boundaries, be very firm, action-oriented, neutral emotionally. I choose not to join her in her hysteria although she tries to suck me in. Of course, sometimes I get sucked in, but not as often as she attempts it.



If a woman approaches me and wants instant intimacy, I will hopefully know what a hook that is for me and run from it. I have to take that "earth mother" sign off my forehead.

RIGHT. There is no such thing as instant intimacy and anyone offers it has poor boundaries.


I guess it is time for me to write down a list of what I want in healthy same sex relationships. I did this with men and it turned my life around.

Great idea!!

bunny

[bunny]

I still have a hard time figuring out how to read women and how to guard against the possibility that they will betray my trust or suddenly turn on me in some weird way.

They will generally show red flags ahead of time. For example, you will hear them gossiping about others, they will reveal some meanspiritedness, bitchiness, splitting, etc. It's not much different from men showing red flags about arrogance and lack of empathy.


That last one is a killer.  Once I notice that a woman has become insecure and jealous around me I know that she will excuse any amount of ill treatment of me.  The women who used to call me and give a soliloquy of her troubles, then basically get off the phone when it was my turn to talk, felt this was ok because (she often implied) I have more than she does and I "have no right" to complain like she does.  The irony is her conclusion isn't even true.  She has it very easy in many ways.  Anyway, who thinks of friendship in such a competitive way anyway?  It's weird.

This isn't a friendship. She's just using and abusing whoever lets her.


But I'm not sure how to handle those other kind of women at work.  They still terrify me. I have one right now who seems intermittently bent on going after me.  I want to put her energies toward going after someone else but that hasn't happened yet. She only goes after women and there aren't that many around right now.   It seems that if I don't do exactly what she wants, agree with her at all times, that she will be filled with rage and try to undermine me.  There doesn't seem to be a me in the relationship-- just her, her insecurity and her rage.

It's a mystery.  Anyone who has a hint what to do, let me know!  At work it's tough because I can't just walk away.
I guess I'd also like the advice everyone else is asking for-- how do I avoid setting these women off on their crazy walk in the first place?

There is only one solution to this: show her you have firm boundaries and consistently enforce them. That is the ONLY way to deal with borderlines. And yes, she will be enraged at first when you enforce them. But shortly thereafter, she will respect you and possibly be a little scared. That's what you want.

bunny