Wish I'd found this board earlier...

[finallyfree]

I found this board this week because I had a couple of dates with a man who reminded me of my mother (who died in Sept. 2002 at age 89).  And...I definitely decided he was an N and decided not to see him again. How was he like my mom--couldn't listen very well (and if he can't in the beginning, forget it ever getting better!) and just wanted his way. Anyway, he's history.  But I started looking for lists of narcissistic behavior and found this board.  All these stories certainly reminded me of dear 'ol mom.  

I did a lot of work on my feelings about my mother while she was alive, but I gotta tell you, at age 56, I was finally free of her (she was senile for 5 years or so before dying), and in some ways it's been the best time of my life in this last year even tho' I actually have no family at all (only child, no children, long divorced).  I have good friends and have learned to enjoy my own company.  The one great thing mom did was to leave me a reasonably decent sum  of money, so I will have a financially secure old age (am actually considering retirement out of the country).  And I do even miss her occasionally, when I see her picture for example, but basically I had resolved most of my issues with her, and thank God she died before we had to put her on a feeding tube (only just).  Plus she had a wonderful husband who did all the caregiving (thank God!!) and I just had to go and visit occasionally.  

So, to be brutally honest, if all else fails--your N parent will be dead someday.  So stay healthy (I am very healthy) and hang in there so you can have a long life in recovery when they're gone.  Another choice (which I tried for several years in late 20s) is getting a "divorce" and never seeing them again.  I did go back because I had no other family  but I was constantly setting boundaries that she of course constantly transgressed.  As you all know, it's an exhausting way to live.  Anyway, because what they do is so outrageously unbelievable, you always feel that no one else can possibly understand, so it's still great to find this board. I guess the healing really does take your whole life.  But finally at least, I have peace, and honestly, in some ways, it's been the best time in my life since about age 5 or so when I first started asserting my own identity.  

Good luck to all of you who still have to deal with your N parent!  

With understanding and support,

Pat (but a new one on this board)

[bunny]

Hi Pat,

You are right about everything you say. My mother-in-law is a terrible narcissist whose demands and needs have kept us from doing anything for years. She may live for a long time, but she can't live forever.

[CC]

Dear Pat,

Thanks for your post and welcome to the board.  I have been feeling much lately like life will be easier when Nmom goes. she is 76 but it seems like she will live another 25 years.  She is not sickly at all and still has the strength of a six year old (mentally and physically). You are blessed, as awful as it sounds- let's hear your voice ring loud and clear!!!

God Bless.

[I_am_mine]

Please don't feel alone - I've fantasized about my Ndad's exit for a long time - even since before I knew he was an N!

Unfortunately, we lost mom first - my therapist says this is frequently the case - she was a classic enabler, but still managed unconditional love for sis and I, and she was our shelter...even at my age, I still felt I could climb into her lap (emotionally) and be a kid again.

Sis and I have had so many "issues" since mom's death - and I know we'll have an entirely different set after Ndad's...I have a feeling it's not wishing for an actual physical death, but maybe just freedom from this misery?  I dunno, that sounds pretty normal to me...maybe physical death is a metaphor for being freed from the abuse?

Just wanted to tell you, you're not alone...

bobbie

[Anastasia]

I know finally free's post was not supposed to be funny, but I laughed hysterically at the last paragraph.  Why?  Cause I feel the only thing that will free me from this horrible parasite (Nmother) is her death.  I have always felt this way.  Obviously, many of us feel the same way about our abusive Nparent.  I thought I was alone in this and was too afraid to say that I won't be totally free from this monster until that old hag croaks; obviously, I am not.  I see there are more than one of us who feel the same: death will be the only way to get this monkey off our back.
Damn!  it is good to feel normal!!!