N-magnet

[steve]

I had a huge eye opener today.

A while back, about 8 months ago, I discovered that my father was a narcissist. I always knew that something was wrong but never quite found the label. I am slowly coming to grips with this and determining strategies to handle it. I have decided to take a positive approach and will not sever our relationship because I think that there is too much tied up in my extended family. So, basically I just have to learn how to put up walls and work from there. Not easy, but I will do it.

But this is old news. Approximately 2 months ago i eneded a 20 year friendship because I had strange vibes from this friend. I never actually sought to determine what her pathologies were but I am pretty certain that she also suffered from narcissistic tendancies. She was not worth the effort because I always felt bad in her presence and found her constant attempts to one-up me annoying. She was jettisoned and I feel all the better for it.

But the big shocker came with my best friend. Lately we have experienced some tense moments and it was climaxed with his total disregard for expressing sympathies in the death of my grandmother. Normally I would have not noticed and would have let it slip, but when his father passed away last year I went out of my way to make arrangements and even put up some of his family in my place. (I guess his father was not worth the cost of a hotel room.) I confronted him on the issue and he attacked back with venom. I was hoping that he would realize his mistake, apologize, and explain why he was not able to be more sympathetic. But instead, he chose to attack and he attacked hard. So I decided to look at the traits of narcissists and do a layman evaluation of his behavior. WOW Extreme narcissist. Again, I always had strange vibes from him, but I just shrugged them off. I felt sorry for him in some ways, and we did enjoy some good times together. I wont dwell on all the details because I am trying to make another point.

I have many friends in my life and the removal of these two will not make a difference in that respect. Except that I was closer to them than the others friends due to geographic reasons. And don't assume that all of a sudden I am labeling everyone a narcissist. I am not. I can see beyond the temptation to do this every time we have uncomfortable feelings.

So basically, I have come to realize that I was a magnet for these types of people. Its simply  because I have been used to it my entire life from my relationship with my father and when I was treated poorly by these friends in a way it seemed normal. But that is the case no more. I am standing up for myself and I will reply to his venomous email and let him know that I wish to end our friendship. I know that he will reply in a cruel way and attempt to make me feel bad. But I will stand up for myself and I will no longer tolerate this abuse.

I was just curious how many others of you out there have experienced the same thing. That is, how many of you feel that you attract these people because we are more tolerant of their poor behavior because it feels natural to us.

Anxiously waiting your replies,

Steve

P.S. I feel so good!!!

[Brigid]

Welcome Steve,
I think most of us have experienced what you described in one form or another.  It may be significant others, family members or friends that we eventually realize we need to remove from our lives in order to survive.  My father was N and both my ex-husbands.  I do think we are attracted to the personalities for a variety of reasons, i.e., the charm, the neediness, wanting to fix and repair, and many will almost cast a spell over you that becomes very powerful. 

It is a good feeling when we break loose of their hold over us and our life is once again (or maybe, as in my case, for the first time) our own to live.

I wish you well on your journey.

Brigid

[Stormchild]

Hi Steve,

What Brigid said goes for me too, except it was my mother who was N. I think they 'groom' us to be easy to prey on; and then, of course, we attract more of them. Plus, as you note, it feels like home, so we tend to be drawn to them too.

Getting free of them can be a challenge - but it is worth every bit of the effort. I've learned to pin down my gut reaction to everybody I encounter - and pay attention to it. There's almost always an instant recognition of an N when I run into them - and an almost-as-instant programmed response: "now, that's not fair, you don't know this person, give them a chance."

Finally beginning to figure out where that came from.

Glad you found us; hope you'll stay awhile!

P.S. on edit: just re-read your post. A lot of narcissists seem to be terrible chiselers, don't they?!

[steve]

Thanks for the quick replies. I am glad to see that my instincts were correct. Interesting point is how much rope we give others to hang us. I defended this guy up and down at times when others just moved away from him. There were times when I said, oh well, he is just strange, no big deal, I can get beyond that behavior. But it was all just denyal. I wish I realized it earlier. Now I kick myself for giving him any attention.

Nonetheless, I still have this strange fear of giving him the kiss off. It must be my need to feel liked. I know he will come back and give me this huge guilt trip. A while back I would not have been able to do it. I was so easy to manipulate. But no more. My life is MINE. I read this great quote today and play to use it in my life as much as possible. Thought I would share it with you all:

"Once you are walking on this earth, there is nothing you have to do but die, everything else is a choice."

Steve

[Stormchild]

Constructive confrontation is hard. It's almost impossible to get it exactly right because there are always emotions involved and they always leak out around the edges, even if only a little...

Plus, you've already seen how intense and negative the response to 'narcissistic injury' [i.e., any negative feedback] is. Who wouldn't be nervous?

Great quote!

[write]

Hi Steve

I think once you've run the whole length of a narcissistic relationship or two, it's so easy to let people get away with selfish or narcissistic behaviours in the future: you've been 'trained' to keep the peace, satisfy others and not complain.

Except there's this nagging doubt or anger which makes us want to be free of such people, to have normal relationships on an even playing field, with no competition, no one-up-manship, no outbursts of fury when we fail.

Keep learning and exploring what you want, and eg in my case I have given up love relationships for a while, because I haven't learned yet how to refute or avoid n- people and I need a break from repeating a pattern whilst I recover.

Well done for having such insight and confidence in yourself.

Good luck.

[steve]

Just built up the courage to send my friend the reply to his email. Thought I would share it with you:

I had a feeling you might react this way, in fact I was expecting it. This just confirmed my intuition.
 
Perhaps you are right. I do need to handle criticism better. So I took your advice to heart and thought about it for a long time and made my decision. You are not someone I want to have in my life anymore. It's as simple as that.
 
I wish you all the best.

If he replies I will keep you informed. I am curious to see how he will handle it. My guess is either groveling, rage, or just being ignored. Any guesses as to which he will use?

Steve

[Sela]

Hi Steve and welcome!

You're doing a good job of recognizing N behaviour and distancing yourself (whether physically or just emotionally) from those who behave like N's.

No matter how strong we think we are, or how relieving it is to be free of relationships that are not good for us, there is still a certain amount of grieving to be done over the losses we sustain.

It hurts to know a "best friend" couldn't be bothered to express sympathy to you over the loss of your grandmother and it hurts that this same friend struck out at you when you tried to express that hurt.  It also hurts to end the "friendship" in that it is sad to lose what you thought was a good friend and to recall all you have contributed to the friendship and possibly now feel kinda used/abused?  How are you doing with those feelings, Steve, if you feel like answering?   Am I anywhere near close?

I'm sorry for those losses, Steve, and I hope you stick around and keep posting as I bet you will find lot's of understanding and support here. 

I'm not going to guess how your ex-friend will react to your clear message from your self to him.  Instead, I'm going to predict that you will work on not reacting to his reactions and that soon.....instead of an N magnet......you may end up being

a chick magnet ( heehee.....just kidding but I couldn't resist! ).

Seriously, soon my bet is that you will be making some new friends, with people who are Not acting like N's and who you will never have to ask why they didn't express sympathy over a major loss of yours because they will be right there with you throughout it, supporting you and sympathizing.

  Sela

[steve]

Sela:

Believe it or not I feel great. I feel free more than anything. I will no longer have to put up with his abusive behavior. I took plenty of garbage from but I always tried to put the best light on it. I was blinded and now I realize it. So, don't worry, it is all good. No need to dwell on the past. I am looking to the future which is my brighter.

I think I was fooled by some of his actions. I made a big career move which required me to move to another country. When he was at the airport wishing me off he was in tears and saying how he saw me as a brother and was very sad to be losing me. At that time i was moved and very touched. Now that I think of it, the only reason he was in tears is because of HIS loss. This is someone who does not have many friends. It was always about him and never about me. I don't need people like that in my life.

I am very personable and can make friends very easily. It is not a concern. Just should have realized it earlier rather than staying somewhere that felt familiar.

Thank you for your kind words,

Steve

[Sela]

Hi Steve:

I remember feeling that way when I ended a relationship that was toxic.  Such a relief!  Glad you are feeling that freedom and counting your blessings.  This cannot be understated.  Eye-opening as it is, it is a great weight that lifts once you are free.  Makes us wonder why we stayed so long, doesn't it?

I'm glad you are looking to the future and seeing it brighter.  Good for you!

  Sela

[steve]

Just thought I would update you all. It was much easier than I thought. His reply was pretty neutral so it makes it easy to handle. What a relief and a feeling of freedom. He just said:

Great - we both reached the same decision independently.  Great minds think alike!!! 
 
Good luck and, really, you couldn't have expected any other kind of reaction given the last 4-5 years since you returned from the UK.

So thus ends a chapter in my life. Onwards to better things.

Steve

[David P]

Hi Steve and Sela, I noticed that Sela mentioned that you might become a 'chick magnet' rather than an N magnet- paradoxically it appears tha a lot of N's are in fact ' chick magnets' ( poor chicks)
Maybe the girls misinterpret the arrogance for strength and confidence ??
David P

[Brigid]

David,
I think when you have been raised in a home with n family members, you are set-up emotionally to attract unhealthy members of the opposite sex.  It may be, as you say, the arrogance being misinterpreted as strength, or in many cases we are attracted to those who appear fragile, vulnerable and needy so that we can feel needed and fix the damage.  In most cases, these are not people who truly want to be fixed or even perceive themselves as having a problem. 

The n men in my life have worked very hard to avoid any kind of intimate relationship, while I, on the other hand, have desperately been seeking to have one.  Not exactly a match made in heaven.

Steve,
I'm glad the ending to your friendship went smoothly.  Hopefully, this individual will not feel the need to create a backlash at some time in the future.

Brigid

[Sela]

Hi Steve:

Glad to hear things worked out .....smoothly.  And that you are going onward to better things.   Good to hear.

By the way, David, I was only kidding about the "chick magnet" thingy.  Really I was.

Sela