Eye-contact, posture, facial expression, sub-verbal and non-verbal cueing are many of the ways we communicate with eachother. I was shocked to find out that at least 70% of our communication is non-verbal. I was also dismayed because I grew up in a home that did not have normal communication, so I knew I had a ton of work ahead of me. It took me a long time to learn appropriate eye contact, body language, facial expressions, cueing and mirroring. I took a few role-play workshops, which really helped.
For instance, when I talk to someone who is hugging self, sitting with legs crossed, maybe doing something self-comforting like stroking the face or playing the hair, and not looking at me, I know that the person I am speaking with feels threatened and defensive. If I speak to someone that is leaning forward with an open posture and friendly but not overbearing eye contact, I know that the person feels safe in communicating with me. If I speak to someone that is staring at me aggressively, not breaking eye contact, standing with arms akimbo, clenched fists, maybe invading my personal space, I know that I am dealing with someone that has lots of anger.
I know I received conflicting messages about eye contact and was punished and abused for either too much eye contact or too little. How many of us have received messages like "Don't look at me like that! Wipe that expression off your face right now!" followed by a slap or physical punishment? I know I did. Or,"Look at me when I am speaking to you!" followed by the parent forcing you to raise your head and look at them? Then if the parent was displeased with the facial expression, another slap or physical punishment. I learned to avoid looking at anyone that I felt was a threat. I also learned to mask what I truly thought and felt with a pleasant non-committal smile.
I discovered in ACOA that most of adult children look much younger than their years. I constantly discovered that someone I thought was 30 was 45, or someone I thought was 40 was 55. It was as if time had stopped for most of us. That youthful demeanor comes from wearing a blank mask most of the time. (Who needs Botox when you come from an abusive home?
) When ACOAs heal, they begin to get some lines and wrinkles because they start using spontaneous facial expressions such as raising the eyebrows, frowning, or smiling and laughing in a manner that involves the eyes. I will bet that the people in our group here, by and large, look ten to fifteen years younger than our stated age. I am almost 60 and I look about 45 because if I am not with people, my face falls back into the blank mask. I am still working on it.
I think not being able to look at people comes from the same place that not being able to take our space comes from, too. It took me a long time not to hunch over in a defensive posture, what I called my default postion. Once I was able to take my space, my eye contact got much better.
