Watching Something Horrible Unfold in Slow Motion...

[Stormchild]

It's been a long time since I posted here in pain, and previously I wasn't very good at it. Either I described things so well that nobody could believe I was hurting, or I expressed my pain so extremely [and poorly] that people took offense [or I scared them silly]. [Edited to take more responsibility for what I was responsible for!]

Well, I haven't gotten this far by learning from experience, so I'm going to try again.

Be warned, this is awful, and the worst part of it is the despair.

More than 2 decades ago, on my first job, I became friends with a colleague who seemed nice, sensible, decent, honest. Life wended its way, this person moved on to other workplaces, and so did I. It's a small world, and we both ended up working at the same place again - where I work now - quite a few years ago.

We got in touch, and stayed in touch. Work buddies. My friend married, had a child, I was happy for them. I introduced my buddy to another work buddy, they became really good pals, I was happy for them, too.

Gradually, I drifted away from these two pals. Our work experiences have been similar - very similar - but I am the only one of the three of us who realizes it. Our work environment has deteriorated horrendously - become incredibly abusive - but, again, I am the only one of the three of us who genuinely realizes this. My pals have revealed a surprising level of and preference for denial... so, of course, they rose slightly higher than I did, entering management, whle I have been beached for quite a while.

Now they are dead ended a couple notches above where I am dead ended, and, like me, they were dead ended for being competent in the presence of mediocre supervisors. Slowly they are beginning to see what I have been seeing all along. And it is really tearing them up, seeing what I've been seeing for years. And they bounce back and forth between telling me that I really did have it all figured out and they should have listened to me... and being totally unable to hear me when I'm sitting at the same table!!!!!

That is not the despairful part. That is denial ebbing and flowing, and if I get annoyed enough I can always stop interacting with them. I nearly have, at this point; I see them maybe once every four or five weeks now. The despairful part is something else.

The pal I've known longest, and his wife, had a second child a few years ago. Difficult pregnancy. Lots of pregnancy related health problems for the mother. Serious ones. Endocrine disorders. Problems for the child from birth. Serious ones. Neurological disorders. Learning disabilities. Tests and special schools and more tests and different schools.

In the meantime, momma has apparently been turning into a Grade A, 24-K head case... and, of course, refusing to see any kind of doctor for any kind of problem.

Harassing the kids. Constantly finding fault with them and berating them. Flaming OCD symptoms... everything has to be arranged just so, things have to be washed completely or discarded if they get a speck of dirt on them, and the child with the disabilities is on the firing line constantly, no letup, no peace. Pick pick pick pick pick pick pick until it's a wonder his poor little head doesn't explode. Then, when his frustration shows, she punishes him for it.

And this friend is not.... doing.... anything.... anything at all.... he just sits.... and watches his wife destroy this child.... and vicariously abuse the other child who is a couple years older, and can see what is going on but is too young to deal with it and certainly powerless to intervene....

Today I saw my pals for the first time in a long time, and after a very frustrating, surreal, almost substanceless conversation, it comes out that my one friends child was sent home from a new school - at which he had been bullied - for threatening (a) suicide and (b) homicide.

The kid is less than ten years old.

My friend even said that he realized the kid had no safe place left. Ma is on his hide all the time at home. Now the kids are picking on him at school.

And yet, my friend apparently intends to do absolutely NOTHING. He has never confronted his wife, he has never made any serious attempt to intervene in her behaviour, he has never simply sat her down and told her that, for instance, if she doesn't stop abusing their children she is going to wake up one day very soon to discover that they are now HIS children and she has ZERO custody after the divorce...

NOTHING. HE DOES NOTHING. Except mule up when I ask him just what, exactly, he is going to do about this.

I don't know if any of you have ever read "The Gift of Fear", but Gavin de Becker describes very very well how kids that have the kind of childhood this little boy is having, right now, tend to turn out. Can you say, Columbine? Green River Killer? BTK?

This is the most appalling horror... and there is NOTHING that I can do about it!!!!!!!!!! I have this horrible choking sense of doom, and I can't get this guy to even begin to consider the possibility that the damage being done to his kid is PERMANENT, SERIOUS, possibly life threatening.

I'm not expecting miracle solutions, I just have to talk about this or I will go literally insane thinking about it.

thanks for listening.

[miss piggy]

(((Stormchild)))

This must be so hard to watch.  So hard.  I cringe when I see just a microspeck of that behavior in a grocery store or wherever.  It must be so hard when you know the people involved and wracking your brains that there must be something you can do to make a difference. 

Options:
call Child Protective Services?
find a moment alone with this poor child and let him know that there is love in the world and not everyone is mean and he should hold on to hope? (lame and far too little help in such a serious situation.)
pray?
let it go and hope that somehow the right person reaches this child in time?
pray some more?

(((Stormie))) I wish I could help.  I have two small boys within my family circle that I feel could go down the tubes too.  For similar reasons.  I know that hands tied feeling.  Like watching people drown.  It took me a long time to realize I have to trust that they have their own journey to struggle with as difficult as it is to watch and know about.  This probably doesn't help you right now.  I'm sorry I can't help more.   

MP

[Plucky]

Yes Stormchild,
this must be so difficult on so many levels.  If you were the child, but with the insight you now have, what would you want to happen?   How about you ask your own T if you have one what to do, or doctor if you don't have a t.  If you don't get a useful answer, call protective services.  Are there any anonymous hotlines where you can get advice?

Your friend might be too traumatised himself to act.  Don't wait for him to wake up.   Protect that child the way you would want to be protected.  I am not of the opinion that the child has to go through his own suffering.  I do not think it is his karma and he has to live it through.  I would think that of the parents.  But I think children ought to be protected and adults should be willing to go out on a limb to do this whether they are the parents or not.

I have been struggling with a similar question which is much less extreme.  A parent at my child's school adopted from another, so-called 3rd world country.   Some people do this for the right reasons, but I feel she did it so she could have a child who had to be grateful to her forever.  And a child who had problems which were clearly not her fault. I feel she has created this child's problems by treating her like an idiot.  From the first week she got her at age 2 she was very critical of her language skills - in a new language and at age 2!  She is so harsh!   I keep observing to find anything concrete to latch onto, and I try to connect with the little girl as much as I can.

Are you concerned that if you do anything, it will affect your work environment?  Your friendship with the other pal?
Plucky

[Sallying Forth]

I would contact Child Protective Services (Or tell the h you are going to do it. Maybe that would get a reaction out of him?) and report what you know is happening.
Of course that might cause problems with your relationship with the friend.  A difficult situation. Maybe though you have to be the giraffe.

I am surprised the school didn't contact Child Protective Services.

(((((((((((Stormchild))))))))))))


Where I live a person who sees an abusive situation like you have mentioned is required to report it. I did this with my grandchild. Boy was that hard but it was the best thing. I wish someone would have done it for me when they saw something wasn't right with me. There were a lot of people who knew something was wrong.

[Brigid]

Stormy,
Bless you for caring about this child.  I agree with what others have said regarding the school.  If this child has threatened suicide and homocide, they are required to intervene and bring in professionals to evaluate him.  Perhaps this is being done and you are not privey to it.  If not, the school is definitely not doing their job. 

Sadly, in too many situations, fathers abdicate their roles to the mother to handle everything where the children are concerned.  It seems unfathomable to me that someone could stand by while their child is being slowly destroyed, but many people go into denial or feel powerless to make it different.  I'm not sure what you could say to your friend to make him wake up and smell the coffee.  He is obviously aware at some level that things are not right, but for whatever reason is not making changes.  Perhaps this woman intimidates him too and he is afraid of rocking the boat.

I feel your frustration and fear for this child's safety.  We all know how difficult it is to recover from a painful childhood and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

Hugs,

Brigid

[amethyst]

(((Stormchild))) How heartbreaking. This is a case where CPS needs to be called. All you can do is call; don't give up if you get somebody that is non-responsive the first time. The second thing is to pray a lot for this child.  I don't understand the school or the father at all, but it looks to me as if neither is willing to do anything to help. The third thing that you could do is suggest to your friend that he and his wife get counseling to deal with their anger. I feel that dad is really angry too...blaming mom but probably being very passive-aggressive, by not lifting a finger to help. Of course, all this hurts the child terribly and the other sibs. The child is obviously being scape-goated.

As a parent of a child who had special needs (severe ADHD, Tourette's, other issues stemming from adoption, health problems. divorce, and abuse from my first husband) I know how angry and frightened out of control acting out behaviors can make parents feel. It's very important for the parents to recognize the anger and fear but not act from it; they have to be very pro-active to help a child like this.  Both my husband and I went to family therapy with my daughter for years to help us cope with her behaviors and learn to set firm boundaries. We realized that we were in a very tough situation that required superb parenting skills and that we needed all the help we could get. Unfortunately, many parents just give up and don't work to solve the problem.

This child seriously may need some form of residential treatment. Like you, I don't understand why the family is not seeking professional help and seems to be expecting the educational establishment to solve the problem for them.

Btw, my child is turning out to be a solid citizen. For a long time, I was afraid that she was destined for a horrible future. She set fires and was so abusive to us...but protected my ex, the abusive parent. She was a real delinquent, stealing, vandalizing, getting in fights. She spent some time in detention, failed in schoo, started cutting herself... and finally had to be placed in residential treatment. Today she knows we love her and that we never gave up.

[mum]

Hey, Stormy. Sad stuff. As an educator, we are required by law to report any issues of neglect or abuse to the police immediately. If this child was sent home from school for these issues, it may not be because of neglect or abuse (they only look at physical, typically) but SOMEONE at that school knows this kid is at risk. Someone (a counselor, the principal) knows or should be looking into what is happening. I hesitate to say contact CPS, as a huge mess can ensue there (at least where I am from).

I see the sadness of screwed up families all the time in my job. Parents really can ruin thier children, that's for sure. I accept this. This is not to say that I can sit idle if there is something I can do about it, but it does mean that to attach myself to this world being different than it is, is to cause more suffering for myself, and energetically speaking, in turn, the planet. Imagine the quality of my work as a teacher if all I can focus on is the tragedy of messed up kids...where does that leave the others, or even the messed up ones? Certainly not learning a healthy way to do life (which is a teacher's real job).

Anyway, focusing on how awful it is rarely helps, and perhaps that is where I understand the parent's "deer in the headlights" look. A little shock and a little hope that they will not really get run over.

And perhaps the father only shares so much with you, just enough to get you upset and then he stops, not wanting to hear what you have to say, which by the way, kinda stinks because he is dumping his crap on you, you get upset for him, and he doesn't have to deal. Heres' an idea: Why don't you tell him how upsetting it is for you to hear this, but if he refuses to do anything but dump this on you, you will no longer listen OR may take this to CPS or the school, because someone has to. Otherwise, he has a great dumping receptacle (you) and he gets off scot free for a bit. Or tell him: I am really sorry to hear about this, but I am sure you will find a solution....at which time you LET IT GO and leave it where it belongs, on him.

As horrible as it sounds, especially when you are "close" to it as you are, these things are happening everywhere....these are the future damaged among us, being formed as we speak. IF we can help, we do. We can be aware, we can do what we can, we can find pathways for help....and you are doing all that. Beyond that, Stormy, we can just pray, and continue looking at what is right with the world we cannot save entirely.

[Stormchild]

Thanks so much... I ran away today, just had to get out from under everything for a while. Back now and very grateful for everybody's thoughts.

I had considered CPS, but they're a sick joke where I live... they're constantly returning toddlers to drug-addled parents [who then beat them to death]. Mindless idiots whose mantra is 'the child should be with its parents' regardless of what kind of monsters the parent have already proven themselves to be.

So I kind of figured that if I tried to enlist them they'd be worse than useless  -- plus, I might end up dealing with some kind of legal mess, because people in situations like this won't do squat to fight the battle that needs to be fought, but they will move heaven and earth to fight any person who looks at the situation, says "this is intolerable", and tries to get things straightened out.

Praying I am doing. Lots. And will keep on doing.

And yes, I do think my old pal is 'winding me up' as they say on October's side of the pond. I spent a lot of time today sitting at a table under the trees drinking coffee and just letting my mind go where it felt like, and I realized that Ma probably didn't get to be a nutbar all by herself. I thought back over a number of 'surrealistic, substanceless conversations' I've had with these two friends where they have been hugely into denial and have affirmed each other in their denial by responding to me, in the discussion, as though reality were a joke and I was a world class comedian.

That nonsense is hardly going to be exclusively reserved for me... so there's a lot going on under the surface there. [Added on edit: And if Ma has had nothing but years of surreal, shallow interaction and every problem she has raised has been brushed aside and laughed at, no wonder she's messed up now. When I think about it, my interaction with these two gents has changed tremendously over the past decade... we used to have real conversations about actual stuff, and now all they seem able to come out with is image, spin, bull, and denial... !]

Right now, after reading everything here and getting another cup of coffee... the thing that feels most sensible to me is: don't enable this garbage. If he brings it up, I should tell him that it's high time he dealt with it, and if he isn't going to deal with it, I no longer want to hear about it. And I should repeat as often as necessary. That will be hard, because I'll still be worried sick about this kid, but the only thing I can do is advocate for reality and enforce consequences where I have the option to. I can't call the school... I have no legal standing. I can't sit the Mrs. down and prescribe meds to her... I don't have the professional standing. But I can refuse to play head games about something real and very important just so Daddy can continue to avoid seeing and dealing with it.

One of my prayers is going to be that our society as a whole becomes psychologically literate, one family at a time. These things happen because they are allowed to happen, and they are allowed to happen at least in part because people are so absolutely, totally clueless as to what is actually happening and what it means now and will mean later on.

Anyway, thanks so much, because I felt as though I'd reached as much of a 'solution' as I realistically could when I realized that Ma had been getting help going nuts... Then when I checked back here, you all were out in front pointing the way to sanity for Stormchild, at least. Hugs hugs hugs... I could squeeze all of you till your eyes bug out! and thanks so much for the really helpful thoughts and the prayers and love I've felt all day today. I kind of knew where it was coming from.