Is a self-diagnoses worth worrying about?

[el_Thom]

After a recent fight with my girlfriend, I finally decided I was going to figure out just what was wrong with me.  I never had any backing during arguments, nobody saw things the way I did, nobody thought there was any problem at all any time I got into an argument.

I'm very protective of people.  My girlfriend, my best friends, I get easily offended when it comes to them.  If somebody makes a joke about them that I see as inappropriate, my first instinct is to deck them.  My second instinct is to look to see who is on my side. 
Problem is, nobody is ever on my side, it seems like.

So I looked up insecurities and mental disorders, because I knew it couldn't just be an aggression problem, very few things set me off.  I came across a lot of information about Narcissism.  At first, I was offended by my own notion that I might be narcissistic.  What was I trying to pull, I wasn't in love with myself.  In fact, it was the opposite, I had no self-image whatsoever.  Still, I wouldn't let myself not look into it.

Eventually, I found this site, a helpful information faq site that didn't just call me a jerk that needed to be avoided at all costs.

The more I read, the more mixed my feelings became.  The information presented told me three things, one that I liked, one that I disliked, and one that I'm not sure about.

First, it told me that I'm not alone in my experiences.  There are people who have grown up the same way I've grown up, and see life the same way I see life.  These are the people who laugh at the statement "A narcissist just 'knows' that everything is going to end badly, and for no reason," because they find themselves thinking that all the time.  As a dependent person, it was very nice to discover I'm not alone.

Second, I'm not as unique as I thought.  I almost took pride in the fact that nobody understood me at all.  I had so many secrets that nobody could ever guess until I came across that site.  It laid out all the information on my insecurity, my agressiveness, my anxiety, all the things that nobody should know about me.  Immediately, I began to wonder who can see through me so easily, and how I ever expected my false self to hold up.  This was quelled for a while by the third thing that entered my mind, however.

Third, I believe I'm a narcissist.  I don't know why it took so long to make the connection between "hey, this is me spelled out on paper" and "I probably have this condition."  I guess I just didn't want to label myself.

But when almost everything described is basically me, and I'm reading everything that says I'm a terrible person and the people I care about should abandon me as soon as possible, what should I do?  My girlfriend agrees with the assumption after doing some of her own reading, but she doesn't think I have a serious case of it.  I show about 5 of the 8 common traits, which is just enough to put me over the edge into the narcissistic community.  She doesn't plan on leaving, and I really don't want her to, but I'm afraid that I don't want her to not because it's best for both of us, but because it's best for me.

I guess it all comes down to the question of how much I can improve upon my situation.

(Sorry, I know that was a long one, but I've got nowhere else to say these things.)

[Bloopsy]

Hi el Thom,

I can really relate to what you wrote, I also thought that I was a big evil narcissist for a while and I have some of those traits too . I guess from what I have read here on this board, from your last sentence " I guess it all comes down to how much i can improve the situation", it seems like you must not be a true narcissist who from what I have gathered, would not consider confronting the situation/ working on themselves but would blame it on others or something. It would be really good to find a therapist that you can trust (I know that's tough), because reading all this stuff all alone is so confusing and it seems like it is all about degrees and stuff, and if you had someone that you trusted who would help you maybe then you could find out what happened when you were younger that led you to feel this way and work through it so you could come to feel another way. A lot of folks will write more helpful things than this, I just wanted to chime in and to say that you're not alone, at least in cyber-land, and also that in my experience those narcissistic traits can really be reduced a lot, and that you're not a bad person for having them.
Bloopsy

[vunil]

Hi, Thom--

I think that the idea of personality disorders gets mixed up with just plain old personality traits-- we all have the latter. It doesn't mean you have a big personality disorder.  PD's are rare, make the person very weird and nonfunctional, and are really unlikely to drive you to a board for self-examination (at least NPD is very unlikely to do so).  Sounds like you are just dealing with what we all deal with-- defense mechanisms and ways of looking at the world that tend toward one way versus another.  There is a great book called "Excess Baggage" by Judith Sills that goes over how different personality tendencies push us in one direction or another. 

But relax.  You are just someone wondering about himself, not a hopelessly broken soul   And you are in the right place.

cheers,
Vunil

[amethyst]

Hi Thom,

I want to second what everyone says about not being a narcissist. If you were a full-blown N, you wouldn't be looking for ways to change. Secondly, full-blown N's are rare.

I would say that you sound like a co-dependent who is very enmeshed with those you care about; hence the need to defend them. Reading some books on codependence might give you more of an insight than reading about personality disorders. Therapy and 12-Step Groups, including CODA and Al-anon, can help a great deal.

[October]

I'm very protective of people. 

If this statement is true (and I have no reason to doubt it) then you are not N.  Ns do not protect other people; the only thing they are interested in protecting is their own ego, at any cost. 

It sounds as if you have a lot of latent anger, which does not make you a bad person.  That anger has to come from somewhere, and it has to go somewhere.  Maybe that would be something to think about.

I think it would help you to read more here about the effect that living with Ns in the family has on the rest of us, and what kind of personalities it leads to.  Surprisingly enough, people who are bullied often turn out to be very nurturing, as you are, and also very generous.

I would suggest that you stick around, stop worrying about pathologising yourself, and start finding your path to self knowledge.  We are all of us on that path, some at the start (like me) and some further along the line.  But it helps to have fellow pilgrims to share the journey with.   

[CeeMee]

El Thom,

You sound like me some weeks ago.  Welcome.  You've found us and we are glad you are here.  I for one am sure I'll learn something from you.  Already you are doing the self analysis stuff that is not only to your benefit, but to everyone else on the board too when you share it.  Our journeys are very similar in many ways, we are just at different points on that journey like October stated.

NO you are not a N!!  That's what I heard when I got here and it was a relief to know because the on line tests and all "scared the begonias" out of me (to borrow a line from one of Sela's posts to me when I first started).  But the more I read and the more I learned, I came to understand this issue a lot better and the labels have since become less significant to me and the journey more the issue.

You are headed in the right direction, otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

CeeMee

[mum]

Why don't you seek therapy?  A good therapist could help you unravel whatever layers of concern you may have about anything, really. And there is no stigma attached to therapy unless you put it there, so what have you got to lose?
Besides most narcissists don't seek therapy for themselves (they seek it for their spouses...to fix them).
And it also sounds like you have other unresolved issues. So yes, if you feel pain (I'm lumping together any negative emotions here) and you want to look at it (which is why pain is there, to learn from) then your "self dignosis" is worth looking into, for sure....not "worrying about" (worry does nothing for anyone). A true narcissist will just blow this off and go to a party, anyway.

[mum]

I guess it all comes down to the question of how much I can improve upon my situation.

One more idea:

You and your life "situation" are two different things. YOU can change.....and your life situation will follow, perhaps, but it has been helpful for me (and painful at first) to realize those are seperate.  I think this thinking may go along with believing we have a soul (the "you" in the situation). Ekhart Tolle talks about this in the Power of Now as a basic premise for his own healing.