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FREE TICKET TO THE THEATRE: Starring a Narcissist

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Argusina:
Rob, you wrote: "and i have accepted and welcomed it now that i see the Nmom for who and what she is."

This thought has helped me immensely too. This may sound very simplistic, but when I have to deal with the N people in my life and they do something strange, I just insert the phrase: "Why? Because she/he is MENTALLY DISORDERED."

Would you get upset because a schizophrenic thought they were Napoleon? It's the same thing with Ns - although less obvious for outsiders... They are in fact, ill people.

Hugs to all of you!

CC:
Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all your responses.  I feel like I have my own personal cheering section and it is very comforting - but please don't call me a hero yet.  I'm not doing so well today.  I was doing great until this morning, early, and I woke up reliving all of the words in her letters in my mind.  I have been poisoned, and all of the venom has not yet been removed.  I know I have done all the right things... but I am still left with the emotional reprocussions of her actions.  I think I am feeling the pain of her attack now that I have gotten through the anger.

As my therapist pointed out this morning, it is one thing for ME to have to deal with her stuff. Now she is attacking the other people in my life who care about me, and they are totally innocent and  they aren't even aware of her attacks.  They mean only well for me, and she is trying to persuade me otherwise.  Why is she harming them?

My therapist recommended that I share the letters with my husband, so that he can be my strength when I slip back into denial that she will be fine the next time. I hadn't, for a number of reasons.  Embarassment is one. Fear is another, because my deep-rooted need for things to be OKAY comes through, and I don't want to hurt my husband... he will definitely look at my mother differently, and then perhaps act differently toward her (he is not one to beat around the bush) and then she will use this as more ammo against me.  Or, he may minimize it like he has other actions of hers before because he doesn't understand (oh, she's old and lonely, let her be, etc.) So I don't know if this is the answer.

I did tell him about the fact that Nmother mentioned her friend thinks speaking in French at the her home is rude and that her friend doesn't allow it (my mother spoke to me about this Thanksgiving day, and her friend's son happens to be married to a French girl).  He said he thinks its possible she made that up so that it wouldn't look like SHE was complaining.  My therapist agrees to this possibility.

Can you believe, I was actually considering taking her out on Friday because she needed some fresh strawberries for a small party she is having Sunday.  You all and my therapist are knocking some sense into me. I have decided instead to pick up the strawberries myself and leave them on her front porch with a note that I will not be seeing her tomorrow.  I feel beat up and exhausted.  I am still angry, and feel at moments like I want to call her up and address each of her attacks individually with a strong defense.  But I know better and I won't.

In reviewing a website about the 6-year old comparison to narcissist's behavior in a previous thread,  I remember one of the N traits being that they need things to get back to normal as soon as possible in spite of their horrible actions.  I know she is attempting this.  I think I need to send a stronger message that there are consequences for her actions.  She is under the impression that I have forgiven her already.  I don't think forgiveness is the real issue though.  I want her to know that this time is different than all the other times before.  That she has really done it, and things will never be the same.

This is a terrible thing to say, but I am feeling it and I feel safe saying it here, because I know some of you have said it..   I look forward to the day she meets her maker so I can have peace with myself.  I know this may not be the only way, but she is elderly and I feel as if I will not be able to completely heal until she is gone.  I cannot bring myself to disown her in her old age, she has NO ONE. God help me.

Rob, your advice is very wise.  I know intellectually that it is best to give the N as little personal info about yourself as possible.  It is very effective, but requires GREAT STRENGTH.  I admire that you and your wife have been able to do this. It is much easier said than done when we live in the same town, isn't it?  What do I talk about during those outings?  There are always busy things for us to do so we don't have to converse too much, but there is always the time in the car.

I think I'm going to call and get a  massage this afternoon and eat a big banana split.  My poor baby, I hope he/she doesn't feel any of this.   I really have to distance myself from Nmother for a while and take care of baby.  I am almost afraid, because there might be more reprocussions for my pulling away.  it is such a conundrum (sp).

Thanks for being there y'all.

Anonymous:
cc,

Share the letters with your husband; I doubt he will misinterpret them. If he minimizes her behavior, tell him that protecting your mom is not an option anymore. There's a baby now, and the baby needs protection, not this old bat.  

As for conversing with the N mother, keep things superficial and shallow. That's what I do. It works! You can't possibly talk about your feelings or needs to this N -- FORGET IT. Don't go there. Keep it shallow.

Bunny

Rojo:
Hi, CC

You have definitely been through the ringer with this latest bout with your Mom and I hope you know I totally understand that and wish it were different for you....you've still got my admiration, though...no doubt about it.  I think you're very strong and courageous and managed to articulate things to your mom that I so wish I could have done years ago.

For what it's worth, I agree with the idea of sharing those letters with your hubby.  He sounds like a wonderful, supportive, understanding man and given how his family expressed such obvious joy at your pregnancy, the support you have around you does not end with just your husband.  His family sounds just as loving and capable of the empathy which you, like the rest of us, need.  Being completely honest with your spouse is, to my mind, one of the fundamental basics of a successful marriage.  If you don't share your pain, in it's entirety with him, and he finds out later that you kept this information from him, guess what...it's you who's hurt him, not your mother, especially if he's the doting husband he sounds to be.  Maybe he's tried to minimize things in the passed in order to try and protect you...as in make it seem less serious and hopefully less upsetting to you as opposed invalidating your experience of your mother?

In my own experience, keeping things superficial with my Nmom has worked.  I wish it didn't have to be this way but it's the only way our relationship maintains some level of calmness.  If I try to dig a bit deeper, expect more from her, or try to give more...it backfires bigtime and I loose EVERY time.  I'm done with setting myself up for disappointment.  Like Rob said, I too regard my mom as some sort of other species although, I was hitherto unable able to express this so succinctly until I read Rob's post (thank you Rob!).

CC, there's no absolute answer as to what to do about your Mom.  I guess it's just a matter of going with the flow of events and making the adjustments in your relationship with her as YOUR needs demand.  Chop her back as much as is necessary to maintain your own equilibrium and happiness.  If that eventually leads to her being annexed from your  life...so be it.  The single most important thing in this whole equation is your happiness, your husband's and stepdaughter's happiness and especially, your new baby's happiness.  If your mom chooses to crap all over that with her disease, then so be it.  There's nothing you can do about it other than take the necessary steps, which you have been doing so well, to protect you and yours from her illness.

You know, I've thought all day about what you said about her having nobody but you to take care of her.  I was thinking particularly about what I'd do in your shoes, especially since my NMom, who lives a long, long way overseas and is getting old and progressively more needy...what would I do if she lived practically next door to me to boot?  Upon reaching total gridlock on the concept, I changed the question...what would she do if I weren't around?  Let's just imagine that for whatever unavoidable reason, you and hubby, stepdaughter and baby had to move to France, or some other far away place.  What would SHE do then?  I imagine she would find a way to survive, CC.  She'd have no choice but to.  The tricky part is for you to be okay with her having to fend for herself.  Not easy, not easy at all but something to ponder perhaps?

If N's are really children, as that article poses, then maybe some of what I've read about parenting applies to N's as it does to children.  When you treat the child as an adult in certain instances...perhaps they start acting like one?  Who knows...I certainly don't, especially since I'm not a mother myself (a veritable zoo of four legged babies doesn't count in this hypothesis LOL).  But, your Mom very simply needs to grow up and perhaps you can help facilitate that by doing what you've been doing...letting go, being resolute in fending for your needs and indulging in that banana split whenever you need to.  Mmmmm, they taste so good, don't they?

God bless, CC, I truly hope can carve out a peaceful existence that is separate from the turmoil that is your mother.

Rojo.

I_am_mine:
CC, there have been some wonderful thoughts shared here - I particularly like Rob's:


--- Quote from: rob ---I feel almost as if i am observing a different species when Nmom is around. That mindframe seems to help me not to divulge to much to her - and not to be too excited by her button pushing tactics. Nmom is a kind of different human - I regard her like a golden retriever might regard a doberman pincher when they meet - extremely careful. Watching her every move - trying to understand how she operates to protect myself and my family.


--- End quote ---


Wow!  Rob, that's a help to ME, too - thanks!

CC, what makes you think you shouldn't be called a hero just because you suffer when someone (esp your MOM) hurts you deliberately?  IMHO, that just makes you human, and continuing your journey.

I still think you deserve to be an action hero - I'm sorry you're still suffering, and you WILL get thru this.  

Your concern about your baby is so moving - I think your baby is protected by you, because you're doing your work...and will be just fine!

bobbie

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