Dear Friends,
Once again you have helped me work through this, and kept me on course when I needed it. Thanks to I am mine, bunny, rob, and rojo for helping me make that decision about hubby.
A couple of events have taken place since the other day. First, I went to drop off the strawberries on the front porch and left a note that said I "wasn't up" to going out with her tomorrow. Naturally, when I got home later that day there was a message to call my mother, she was worried, was I feeling sick from the pregnancy or was I still angry with her. I guess I was secretly hoping this would happen because I wanted a reason to test out my "I just don't want to be with you tomorrow" answer - although it turned into a lot more than that.
So when I called her she asked the same question. I said I just didn't want to go tomorrow. So she said "oh, you're still angry with me". I said it wasn't really a matter of anger, that I needed a break, and that after the attacks of the recent week she couldn't expect everything to just go back to "normal". I went on to say that things are different now, that I have a new outlook with respect to how she has treated me, in this incidence and in the past. I mentioned that not only had she attacked me but my immediate circle of loved ones as well... and that it was an eye-opener, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. She was very quiet, and I felt comfortable filling the silence with how I felt, and asserting myself with many different ways of saying "this is it, I am done, this is no longer acceptable", etc. etc. (These were affirmations for me, not for her). Perhaps it was foolish on my part, but I actually felt like I had a voice with her for a few minutes... even if it wasn't real - even if it was her just being shocked - but she listened. It was the confrontation that I had once made in a journal but thought I would never have the courage for with her in person.
I went on to say that though I understood why she acted the way she did, but that it simply wasn't acceptable. That excuses of her being emotionally immature and old and lonely didn't give her a ticket for abuse. She was an adult now, and she was responsible for her actions, and her actions had consequences. I told her that when I was a child living under her roof that I was helpless and didn't have a choice. But that now I was an adult with my own life, and her involvement in my life is a CHOICE. That her sending angry letters to her children was the ultimate form of control, that she knew that when she sent them we couldn't respond right away, we were paralyzed, and she could poison us in any way she desired.
Against my better judgement, I did address some of the details of the letters. I told her that her assumptions were preposterous and that she was making bad out of innocent people. That only the mind of someone who is not right would suggest these things. I told her that I knew she had done the best she could, that sure, some parents could be considered worse but I only had one set, and had nothing to compare to, and that I know when something feels wrong and no longer have to live with it. I told her that it doesn't matter that she is my mother anymore, that as an adult, we are now just two human beings on this planet.. and that if she ever wishes to be included in my life, or the holidays with my family, that I demanded respect for myself and for them.
I imagine some of it was out of fear, and some was sincere.. but she agreed to everything. She kept saying in between how horrible she felt, and she didn't realize what a monster she came across as because when she is writing things down she is not necessarily meaning them, that they are exagerated (sp) because she is angry or trying to get some need met.
She said she didn't know what to say or do to make it right. She felt very badly - I told her she SHOULD! That you just can't treat people with disrespect and expect them to accept it. She said she was glad I expressed my anger to her, and that she really did want to be in my life, no matter what. She said she doesn't really mean the things she says about my husband and his family, she just is afraid of trusting people but she really did like them. I told her that she had a funny way of showing it, and that I didn't really believe her.
I know she responded the way she did out of desperation. Don't worry, I am not fooled. She said that she never wanted to do this to me or the other kids again. I said that she would, because that's who she is.. and that I just know how to protect myself now. She said I was right, that I don't have to accept it anymore.
I told her that she should just let it be and leave me alone for a while. That the damage had been done, but that for the first time in my life my eyes are wide open. I told her not to try and contact me, or try and overcompensate, because it would just backfire. I told her to let it lie. She asked me to call her when I was ready, and wondered if we would see each other for Christmas. I said that we would cross that bridge that this was too fresh.
Then, my husband came home. I began to tell him about what had happened. He said "I don't understand what all of this is about" which of course was a good segway (sp) for me to share the letters with him. I read them all, in order. He scrunched up his face and basically said, "there's something wrong with her.. she's showing signs of a paranoid." I told him why I was letting him in on all this info. That my therapist had suggested it, and that I had hidden this side of my mother from him in the past because I didn't want to hurt him and I was embarrassed. but he needed to know to remind me that she's not right when I get sucked in again. I told him I wanted him to know so that he didn't think I exaggerated the affect my mother has had on me in my life and that that's a large part of why I needed counseling as an adult.
I don't know if this was the right timing. My husband and I have our own business and he has been terribly stressed about money with the baby coming. He has been questioning whether he can continue being a business owner because of the stress. I think this new information upset him, because he has always liked my mother, and now he sees that she has said some mean things about him. He said that he definitely could see that there is another side of my mother now. He could see I was upset, and was saying "don't think about this anymore, it's not good for the baby". After I laid this all on him, though he was understanding and supportive, he was quiet for the rest of the night and seemed overwhelmed. He went to bed early with a headache. I feel like I dumped on him.
Guilt creeped in a little last night. I thought about "poor mother", who really, truly, doesn't understand why she is the way she is. and "poor mother", who feels terrible about herself now, not because she really realizes her actions, but because she feels like she has lost her Nsupply forever and is feeling desperate and out of control. "poor mother", who really, truly believes she did the best she could.
Anyway, I believe the worst is over. Everything is out for everyone now. I am hoping the dust will settle quickly for me emotionally so that I can get on with life. I will call my mother in a couple of weeks, and things will be different. I know now that after this I will have the strength to keep things superficial as many of you have suggested. I will just have to be careful because as time goes on its easy to slip into old behaviors.
Thanks again for tolerating my long posts. This is truly one of the best places I've ever been in my life. God Bless Richard.
