New here - but VERY depressed again

[what2do1958]

I found this website recently and thought "Wow! Someone out there "gets it"!!' - that is, "gets" how I have lived my entire life. 

For the first 1/3 of my 46 years I was truly "voiceless" but completely unable to do anything about it.  Perhaps I wasn't even completely aware of it.  I do remember thinking I was "damaged goods" and therefore not really worth anything....so I think I just went along with it because I couldn't even fathom having a voice of any consequence.  If I did voice anything in protest, I was silenced through the act of being shamed by my mother and other family members. 

During the second 1/3 of my life, I began to exert my voice, but from what I see in hindsight, my voice was either silenced, not heard, or given much credence.  At this point in my life my voice had some signs of life and energy and enthusiasm to it, as one would expect a young bird's voice to be upon realizing it is a bird with a song to sing.  But unfortunately, the effect of not being heard, taken seriously, or having my ideas minimized over and over turned the potentially positive voice into one that slowly became negative and needed an audience.

For the last 1/3 of these 46 years, my voice has been experienced by me and others as a raging, maniacal voice.  Whatever niceties I was taught as a child about social decorum has frequently gone out the window.  I have been hospitalized three times and have thought about suicide countless other times.  I made a suicide attempt last year after nearly 20 years of having to "stuff" my voice.  And now I am having to "stuff" my voice again.  I am of no value to myself and hate that my innate creativity and joy for life is flat and non-existent.   The greatest sin is giving birth to a child and failing to nurture them or let them know they are valued and that their thoughts are worthwhile.  If I were to die tomorrow in an automobile crash, I would feel lucky - as all this turmoil would finally be done with.

[Bloopsy]

 ((((what2do1958)))))
I'm sorry you feel so bad . Please keep posting.  Do you have a therapist?

[vunil]

what2do-- hang in there!  And please tell us more.  How are you treating your depression?  Don't feel you have to repress your voice here-- let it out!

[miss piggy]

Dear whattodo,

Welcome to the board.  It really is a godsend, isn't it?  Please keep posting, you'll be heard here.

I wonder how much of your rage has surfaced at this time as a result of midlife matters?  My hormones went into overdrive shortly after I turned 40.  There was also a lot of upheaval in my life at that time.  I was a different person, raging at the drop of a hat, crying at the dinner table, etc.     I really needed some serious help and finally got some.  What a relief.

If you are in a position to choose what kind of help you feel would be supportive, please get yourself that support.  You deserve it - right now.  You will trust a counselor of your own choosing more than one that is placed before you (am I reading your post right?)

Also, I have not had this experience, but I wonder if the birth of your child unleashed some biological and psychological forces in your body that are causing you to lose control of how you express your emotions.  (Well, wait a minute, I was a little crazy after my first was born.  ) You are always entitled to your feelings and some may be very powerful and overwhelming, esp after giving birth to a child.  Postpartum depression etc are what I am thinking of.  Also, while watching my kids grow up I reexperience some of my own childhood pain.  These painful memories can cause some parents to distance themselves from their children (I believe this might have been the case with my own father.)  A good counselor will help you with all of this.  And, oh yeah, antidepressants help too! 

You sound mad as hell and you don't want to take it anymore.  And you don't have to.  There really are healthy ways to get a handle on what's eating you up.

Maybe instead of dying, you just want to be reborn.  Just take baby steps and please hang in there.  We're ready to listen.  MP

[BJ]

_{" I made a suicide attempt last year after nearly 20 years of having to "stuff" my voice.  And now I am having to "stuff" my voice again.  I am of no value to myself and hate that my innate creativity and joy for life is flat and non-existent.   The greatest sin is giving birth to a child and failing to nurture them or let them know they are valued and that their thoughts are worthwhile."}


Dear What2do1958,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too, have felt voiceless most of my life. I won't say I understand but I can relate.
I was wondering what would cause you to stuff your voice today? Even when I don't always believe in myself, if I am passionate about my cause, (without hurting anyone) I try to recognize my voice is my choice. At 50, I am finallybeginning to learn that it is ok to do what is right for me--everyone else does. I found a freedom in this revelation. It's hard to re-train my mind to be aware that my choices are mine and only I can decide how I use my voice. I may not always be proud of my voice and that's when I choose to contain it, but I am proud that I have found the courage for it to be my choice to express it or not.
What is holding you closed?  I you have the desire to find and express your voice, nothing outside you, within reason, should stop you. If you can identify a simple reason why you don't have a voice, maybe you will find a place to share it...like here. Start slow and you may see it's ok today--in 2005, at 46 years old.  The thought came to mind that maybe 1958  is good to look at, but how about if we would look at What2do2005. It may be hard to do right now, but for the sake of argument...if we turn around and sometimes try a new door, you never know what might be waiting.

It also caught my attention that you know you are a gifted creative person. Although I'm sorry you have temporarily lost your passion, it is still part of who you are. It will return in time. I too have been here and I have learned that if we never lost it, how would we find it? Even the best of authors get writers block. I now try to be more patient and wait for the time when things just flow. The key is not to push, but to be aware and when the time is right--go for it. For now, I'm sorry for how you feel and hope you can muster up some courage and strength to have peace enough to share your voice.

I do have one more question... are you a parent? Is it your parents who committed this sin and/or someone else, too. Please don't add to their ignorance by not being a good parent to yourself. Not to sound cliche` but...you must nurture the child within you now.  I'm not saying this is easy, or can even be done, but I believe it can help. I'm fighting this same battle.  Good luck to you and my thoughts are with you.

BJ

[Plucky]

Hugs to you, ((((((((((((((((what2do1958 )))))))))))))))))))

The greatest sin is giving birth to a child and failing to nurture them or let them know they are valued and that their thoughts are worthwhile. 

As you can tell from reading this board, it is never too late to show your child you love them.  People whose parents are on their deathbeds are still hoping for reconciliation and connection. 

I went through a similar 'awakening'.  There was a triggering event - the death of my father, whose love I no longer had to try and earn.  It took a few years for me to start to unravel, but looking back, I am sure that was the start, along with getting older and still single, ongoing crap relationship with nmom, in and out of bad relationships with men, still accepting blame and pseudo-love from sister, etc.

I had so much anger that I no longer could hold it back even at work.  I was screaming at people so loudly that you could hear it on the next floor.  Finally I dragged myself to a doctor who quickly prescribed meds and gave me the medical leave I was begging for.  After several years of relative calm, when my problems were masked (and reduced!) by being married and having children,  I exploded again and in desperation I found this board and now I feel much better.    I feel I have found a place to talk and be listened to, where I can tell the worst parts of me and still be accepted and even reached out to.  People here understand exactly what I am feeling.  I think I understand what you are feeling too.  I was afraid of my own anger and felt out of control. 

If you feel so hopeless that you really think death is a better option, get thyself to a doctor and get some meds.   You will not believe this now, but once you start to unravel the twisted, knotted, mess that has been your experience so far, the relief alone will make you want to live and heal.    You don't have to be all cleaned up before you start to enjoy life.  The enjoyment will be far superior to the 'enjoyment' you were able to experience while tied up in knots.

Please come back and tell us how you are doing.  Why is your voice being stifled again right now?  Bring your voice up here.  I have not found anything I wanted to express to be too ugly, too embarrassing, too evil, too sick to say up here.   The only taboo is not to hurt others.

Tell us what happened.  Get it all out.
Plucky

[Plucky]

yoo-hoo.....what2do1958....where are yooooooooo????????
a caring what becomes of you
Plucky