Why Do We Come to this Board?

[amethyst]

For instance, when I talk to someone who is hugging self, sitting with legs crossed, maybe doing something self-comforting like stroking the face or playing the hair, and not looking at me, I know that the person I am speaking with feels threatened and defensive. If I speak to someone that is leaning forward with an open posture and friendly but not overbearing eye contact, I know that the person feels safe in communicating with me. If I speak to someone that is staring at me aggressively, not breaking eye contact, standing with arms akimbo, clenched fists, maybe invading my personal space, I know that I am dealing with someone that has lots of anger.

Can I get your permission to use this as a reference for body expressions? I need some good ones for my writing. I wouldn't use your words exactly but use them for ideas on how to express how the body speaks. Great descriptions!

I know I received conflicting messages about eye contact and was punished and abused for either too much eye contact or too little. How many of us have received messages like "Don't look at me like that! Wipe that expression off your face right now!" followed by a slap or physical punishment? I know I did.  Or,"Look at me when I am speaking to you!" followed by  the parent forcing you to raise your head and look at them? Then if the parent was displeased with the facial expression, another slap or physical punishment. I learned to avoid looking at anyone that I felt was a threat. I also learned to mask what I truly thought and felt with a pleasant non-committal smile.

My bioNfather used eye contact to intimidate. I tried to look away and he would insist that I look right into his eyes. Then he would begin to interrogate me. If I looked away he would grab my chin and hold my head in place. So of course now I have issues with people who attempt to entrain my eyes in a conversation and they don't have to even touch me. That's because they are trying to touch and reach inside me when they haven't been invited.

I always look around the room in therapy and very rarely at my t. At first I used to pick something to focus on but now I just allow my eyes to flit around the room at random. It is safer that way. It's a habit because of dissociation.

I discovered in ACOA that most of adult children look much younger than their years. I constantly discovered that someone I thought was 30 was 45, or someone I thought was 40 was 55. It was as if time had stopped for most of us. That youthful demeanor comes from wearing a blank mask most of the time. (Who needs Botox when you come from an abusive home?  )

When I was younger I looked older and now I look younger. At 14 I was given a bottle of fine liquer on board a cross country flight. No one ever bother to ask my age. On my 21st birthday I was carded because I suddenly didn't look old any more. Strange. Stranger the older I got the younger I looked and I think that has to do with being multiple too. All those kiddies inside coming out all the time ...

Sallying, You certainly may. Thank you for the compliment.

Your comment about looking older when you were very young reminded me of how I looked in my late teens. I was such a parentified child that I looked very mature for my age. When I was 18, I took a friend of mine, also 18, out to dinner and pretended to be her much older auntie so we could get drinks. By the time I was 25 or 26, I was constantly getting carded. Strange.

[CeeMee]

Tif,

It's good to see you're posts again.

CeeMee

[Giboni]

 
 Hi C mee or see me? A pun.Read a few other Posts of yours.Firstly I am here for some of the reasons you gave and because I cant afford therapy.Posting on other boards helped a lot.My mother was diagnosed a schitsophrenic but probably NPD also.At that time DSM did not have that disorder listed.
 Consider "Narcistic Introjects" and Narcism on a scale of one thru ten with Ten being the begining of NPD.I look at NPD as being mild,moderate,severe.
 The old refrain only a qualified APA member licensed can diagnose a disorder and few agree on one due to the tremendous "Co Morbity" in diagnoses.
  These criterias/diagnosises can be helpful though.
 One last thought.....My opinion...it is the range of feelings available to a person"empathy quotient" that in fact determines the behavior and places it in one of these categories solidly and usually 2.
 Consider also Borderline PD.
 Took one of those tests tonight scored 20 Np a bit of A etc. Frankly a MMPI probably would be better.I for one do not see NPD.Have known a bunch my last two exes the last a solid Somatic/Histrionic the other a Cerebral NPD.
 Doubt very much you fit the NPD continum judgeing by your posts.Myself wondered about this and it was obvious from the fact I am in touch with most if not all my feelings most of the time I cant be NPD.
 Good Luck Here is another NPD Test

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=&surveyID=74

[Plucky]

I had learnt that I could not get what I needed by asking for it, so I either kept my mouth shut and let others walk all over me or lashed out or unconsciously manipulated in order to get my needs met.

Yes! Marta, you hit the nail on the head.  I find that my H will not respond to direct requests so I end up either swallowing everything down or making nasty put-downs to motivate him.    Back when we used to talk, he would say that he hated that but would not ackowledge that my attempts to communicate otherwise were ignored. 

Yes, I am an i....um, how did you know?????? 

[Marta]

A little birdie whispered to me that you’re an I……

Plucky, I may give a break to your husband for a lot of the things you described elsewhere, but not for refusing to acknowledge what it does to you when he turns into a blank wall. Please forgive me for taking the liberty to say that there is simply no excuse for that. It is no small thing either. If you have to keep trying to talk to someone who does not will not does not cannot listen, then it is a Kafkaesque world you are trapped in.

Banging the coffee-pot into the sink
she hears the angels chiding, and looks out
past the raked gardens to the sloppy sky.
Only a week since They said: Have no patience.

The next time it was: Be insatiable.
Then: Save yourself; others you cannot save.

(excerpt from a poem by Adrienne Rich, whose husband, a Harvard professor, committed suicide after she left him. A middle-aged couple with three sons, they had great affection for each other. She said that she had a foreboding that he could take his own life if she left him.)

[Marta]

Sugarre, I love rolling my virtual tongue when I see your name. I like the gender transformation  too 

[Sela]

Hi Everyone:

Re the topic of this thread, I come to this board for all of the same reasons that have been listed so far, plus, I am trying to heal from abuse, trauma and I am grieving great losses.  I don't know if anyone has mentioned the words "trying to heal", but I'm sure many people would include that as a reason for coming to this board.  I believe coming here has helped me and is helping.


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I find that my H will not respond to direct requests.

Hey Plucky.  Isn't that passive aggression?  I found this link interesting and wondered if you might be interested in looking?  Maybe you've already read on it.  One big thing...PA behaviour is said to cause is anger and frustration in others.  From our discussions a long while back....another root??

www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html

Also found this:  www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/


Sugarre!!  What a sweet name!  I love it!

  Sela

[CeeMee]

Sela,

Yes, how could I have missed that one.  It's the one that sort of encompasses all the others.  Thanks.

CeeMee

[Plucky]

Thank you Sela and Marta. 
Yes, I think he is passive agressive, and until I found this baord to talk to, it was driving me nuts.
I'll have to come back and comment fully when I have some time.
Plucky