Black sheep no longer

[October]

I have somehow regained my position of whatever it is within my family.  Rather disconcerting to find oneself part of the 'in' crowd again.   

My new SIL has, on the other hand, inherited my old position.  She stayed with my parents the past week, after the UK reception.  She claimed to be unwell, and stayed in her bedroom the whole time, with my yb bringing her whatever she wanted.  She ate nothing but fruit for a week and then told him that she thought she had dysentery.  The next time she asked for fruit, my Nmum decided she had had enough of this, and made her scrambled eggs on toast instead, and told her she couldn't have any more fruit.

At which point yb considered cancelling their honeymoon, to take her to the doctors.  But she then got better (probably due to the toast), and said she was not that bad.  Anyway, they left this morning.

My dad said, no other man on earth would run up and down stairs like that after his wife.  I thought to myself, I know one who would ...

My brother has married my mum.  Lol!!!!!!

Except is it me, or is she worse than my mum??  Is this how N behaviour perpetuates and worsens??  Who knows.  All I can see is that of the three of us siblings, we each of us married our mother, and became our father.   

[Plucky]

Hello O,
I'm glad the focus is off you.  Enjoy it!  Don't try to save anybody!
Plucky

[Moira]

Hi! Interesting thread about black sheep! I was the proverbial black sheep right from the get go with my family! Several people- including my shrink- told me that the real reason my family branded me the black sheep was actually a reflection on their dysfunction. I was always the " different" one, outspoken, called my parents on their shit, called my mother an alcoholic, was left handed, dyslexic and have a mental illness. in short- I was nothing like them, marched to a different drum etc. That threatened the dysfunctional status quo. I never thought along those lines and now I totally see it! don't know if anyone else out there thinks along those lines or has had anyone reframe it in such a way. also I believe that we, although we appear tough- are often the most vulnerable and sensitive ones in such a family!!! Moira

[Stormchild]

Congratulations on the reprieve, October, and long may it last.

Isn't your brother the 'fair-haired Hoo' in the family? So of course (a) he'd marry a flaming N and (b) N and N-bling part of family is going to be jealous of anyone he marries, N or not... that horrid woman, competing with your mother for the sick victim prize and WINNING IT!

I'm with Plucky. Make a cuppa for yourself and choc for C, if she likes choc, and have a nice sit down and watch. C can learn a LOT by observing all this, if she's at a safe distance, and this could give you some opportunities to heal, since they'll be rubbing someone else raw for a change and you can label the dynamics...

and get some emotional rest.

God love you, dear.

[October]

Hello O,
I'm glad the focus is off you.  Enjoy it!  Don't try to save anybody!
Plucky

Funny you should mention this, Plucky.  YB had treatment, but told SIL not to take it until the flight 'because it is too strong'.  I suggested milder but effective alternative over the counter from Tesco, and he listened, but of course did nothing about it. 

Charlie had to practically hold me down to stop me going out to buy some for them, in the middle of the night.   

You are dead right, of course.  Suggest, and then leave it to them to choose.  Very difficult.

[October]

Hi! Interesting thread about black sheep! I was the proverbial black sheep right from the get go with my family! Several people- including my shrink- told me that the real reason my family branded me the black sheep was actually a reflection on their dysfunction.

That is a very valid point.  And the thing for me to be careful of now is not to anathematise my SIL, and to keep to the truth as far as I can, like I do with mum.  She has her faults, but so do the rest of my family, let's face it.  And the main reason for the antagonism is the conflict for the limelight between her and my mum, so that is not exactly a healthy dynamic to get involved with.

So, although they are treating me as a newly enrolled 'insider', actually I haven't changed, and I am not an insider.  But it is interesting to revisit those places.

It would be so interesting to know whether these same things were played out when my dad brought my mum into his family.  Very likely, I imagine.  You can see that even from the body language (and clothes) of a few bits of old cine film.  Mum looking all posh and superior, his parents looking like working people, and more 'normal', because in their home environment.  No cine film of mum's family, though, strangely enough.   

[October]

Congratulations on the reprieve, October, and long may it last.

Isn't your brother the 'fair-haired Hoo' in the family? So of course (a) he'd marry a flaming N and (b) N and N-bling part of family is going to be jealous of anyone he marries, N or not... that horrid woman, competing with your mother for the sick victim prize and WINNING IT!

You're right.  We are learning a lot, and laughing a lot in the safety of our own home.  What a blessing having your own home is!!

As for winning against my mum, I am not sure SIL can ever do that.  She may have won a battle or two, but I doubt if she has the depth of malice needed to really win.  And I know my mum has.     SIL certainly scores very well on the selfishness scale, and on 'treat everyone around you as a servant'.  But I suspect these are not as subtle as my mum's approach, which is more, 'make everyone feel guilty for breathing, and spend a lifetime trying to make you happy'.   

I realised some years ago that my mum is happiest when she has something to be unhappy about, so when she is unhappy I listen, and then leave her to it.  I never bother trying to rescue her, because she doesn't actually want to be rescued.  Just as SIL did not want to get better; she wanted to be ill.

SIL even refused to drink tap water here, because she didn't like the taste, and insisted on bottled water.  Not realising that in the UK, tap water is actually safer than bottled water to drink, because the bacterial content is lower.  Might not taste 'natural', but sometimes that is a good thing!!

Incidentally, my mum has used this same game a few times herself, so I really should not be surprised.  She often falls dreadfully ill, usually with a stomach complaint, when visiting a strange house, and has to be driven straight home after first cup of tea.  Double N score, because casts shadow on hygiene of said home, while playing sensitive flower as well.  Can't be bad!!!   

[Brigid]

Moira said:

I was nothing like them, marched to a different drum etc. That threatened the dysfunctional status quo. I never thought along those lines and now I totally see it! don't know if anyone else out there thinks along those lines or has had anyone reframe it in such a way. also I believe that we, although we appear tough- are often the most vulnerable and sensitive ones in such a family!!!

I can very much relate to this and always felt that I was the "changeling" in my family.  It often totally baffled me how different my perceptions of the family were from everyone else.  I also was the strong one (had to be to survive), but the only one with empathy and sensitivity.  My brother's reaction was to become numb and distant and not allow anyone into his life.  Consequently, now that our parents are dead, we have no communication with each other.

October, you are correct that some people do not want to be happy and at peace.  They will go to great lengths to create situations to complain and agonize over and have everyone swirling around them.  I used to have a friend like this, but I couldn't see this behavior until I became healthy myself.  I used to feed into her complaining and need to be constantly comforted, but thankfully we don't even speak to one another anymore.

I guess you can be somewhat grateful for the new n addition to the family.  At least you and C can mind your own lives and let the other two fight for position of queen bee and her attendants.  I would avoid either of those roles at all costs. 

Brigid

[cat]

October, at this point in time, I am once again the black sheep in my family (at least to my parents.)  The title goes back and forth between my sister and myself.

Generally the title change happens right after we are forced to visit the nMother.  It can last up until the 'favored' one says something or does something that gets them out of favor.

Personally, I LIKE being the black sheep.  You can speak your mind.  You can be the voice of sanity while the 'favored' one has to maneouver all the mine fields.  Being the 'favored' one in my family takes a lot of emotional effort and requires being a doormat while listening to 1 - 2 hour phone calls every night.

[Plucky]

So cat,
seems like you and your sis would compete to be the black sheep.  Do you both try to make the most offensive comments youy can to your, is it your mom?    That must make for interesting visits!
Plucky

[cat]

Plucky, actually we don't do it on purpose.  The nMom insists on talking for about an hour over all the same things.  Having patience is required.  If not - then you're the black sheep!!

If she calls for advice, and you give it, you're being bossy.  But, she doesn't tell you you're being bossy. . . nor does she tell you you're irritating her.  Rather, she gets on the phone and tells her doctor, the financial planner, the attorney, the nurses, the relatives - and eventually the "good sister."  Then it comes full circle.

It's interesting to watch.  I really do not LIKE being the "good daughter." 

[Plucky]

cat,
are we sisters?
my mom is the same way.   If I say that she has already told me something, and that usually means several times, she gets that tone in her voice and gets off the phone and tells everyone that she has no one to talk to, etc.  If I am the 'good'one now, she takes what I said, or didn't say, and twists it around to use as a weapon against my sister.   Thereby destroying our relationship.    When it comes to advice, finally I got the hint, and if she asks for advice, I just ask her more questions, and then say, I' don't know, have you done this?  What do you think?   It would take a team of wild horses to get a direct opinion from me nowadays.
Do you talk with your sister?  How is your relationship?
Plucky

[cat]

Plucky! Too Funny. . . we must be sisters. 

I don't give my advice when she asks anymore.  She put the house up for sale (and sold it) to go into assisted living.  Then because the people who were volunteering to help her move in, couldn't be there for one day, she called the buyer and the realtor AND BACKED OUT.  I gave her some advice then! The doctor and the financial planner (men) told her it was the wrong thing to do.  The people who were moving her out - okay, it was the doctor's head nurse!!  So this week the nurse is coming over every night and to make sure she's moved out by Saturday.

My sister and my relationship is excellent.  It took my brother-in-law to step in and apply logic to see what was going on.  We were too close to the situation to realize it.  Once we figured it out, my sister and I take turns deciding who wants to deal with the drama each week.  My poor brother-in-law gets physically sick (he throws up) whenever he has to get near her.  Another thing my sister and I do:  We do not tell our mom what we're doing.  She will take it and twist it - or be upset that it's not what she wants.  My sister and I keep up communications behind my mom's back. 

It's unfortunately, but it does keep us pretty level in our relationships with each other.

[Marta]

When it comes to advice, finally I got the hint, and if she asks for advice, I just ask her more questions, and then say, I' don't know, have you done this?  What do you think?  

Lol, that is what I learnt to. Like we go to a jewller's because mom wants to buy a gift for a cousin who is getting married. We narrow down to two necklaces, and she tells me that everyone likes my taste so I must be the one to pick which one to get and ask the sales person to ring it up. Silly me, I ask the salesperson to ring up the necklace I like. Instantly she tells the salesperson, oh wait, I have not made up my mind!! She then debates with him as to which one is more desirable desirable, then tells me again, this is what I am deciding on, is it OK? I tell her, both are fine, do whatever you think best mom, I'm gonna look around in the other section. It is b*****y hard work to just be around her.

I've never understood the special pleasure they find in creating rift between siblings. My little sis and I used to be as close as siamese twins. Sis and mom were at logger heads all their lives. Now after dad's death little sis (who still doesn't have her number) has become closer to mom, so things are just not the same between us two sisters. It really pisses me that sis has become mom's mouthpiece. Still, much to her chargin', mom can never destroy the foundation of our relationship, like she has done with elder sis. That doesn't stop her from trying to stir up the pot though.    

Plucky, Cat, I'm very interested in this dynamics. An example of how mom uses your words as a weapon against your sib? Cat, I am IMPRESSED that your relationship with sib is excellent. Amen.

[Plucky]

Have we hijacked?  If so, I am sorry.  October, feel free to kick us out to find our own thread.
My sister is usually the black sheep.   My mom calls me to complain about her.  Sometimes, lacking any recent material, she goes back to childhood. All the way back.  Once I tuned in (usually I don't really listen) to hear her complain about something my sister did when she was 3!  I couldn't help laughing.  That story has since been shelved.

She also tries to gather material from me.   I did finally catch on, and avoid telling her anything.  This does not stop her.  If she says, "have you heard from her?"   And I say, not lately, this gets multiplied by 50 and then becomes that she never calls us, and her phone has probably been cut off, and she won't keep in touch with her family, and what does she have to hide, she is probably on drugs, etc.
My sister owes me money, and has refused to pay anything, and in anger I did tell my mother that.  So now it is a whip my mom uses to beat over my sister's head.   My sister refuses to believe that I did not say all the things my mom tells her I said.   On occasion she phones me up to recite a forced apology for something I never even thought about.  This was always a mystery to me.  Finally, at long last,  I recently realised that she does this when my mother has been on a rant to her about how awful she is to me.  If anyone in this family needs to apologise, it is my evil wicked mom.

But my sis does not recognise that we have a common enemy.  To her, I am the enemy also.  The few times I have gotten through to her about my mother, she quickly reverts back to the party line the next time we speak.  So, basically, I have no family.
Plucky