Author Topic: Meeting with my parents and T- update .  (Read 9569 times)

amethyst

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #45 on: September 27, 2005, 11:48:49 PM »
Hi David, I agree that malpractice and board reporting is more the way to go. Many lawyers work on contingency. After reading what everyone said about small claims, I agree they are right.

Another thing you can do from now on is take a tape recorder to all sessions, especially if you visit two collegaues of the therapist.

I guess I don't have the fear of getting stuck in anger that many do. I certainly was afraid of anger at one point in my process of healing and believed that it might be devastating or that I might end up in a permanent state of resentment. 

I confronted my mother by letter. It was gentle but I told her that she had not protected me and that I needed time to seperate and heal. My mother took it as if I had mortally affronted her and practically sat shiva for me. I was disowned and disinherited. We did have some death bed closure years later. I could not confront my dad because he already was senile. I did alot of "empty chair" work with my dad.

I happen to love the words "defects of character." They are old-fashioned words, but they place the onus strictly on the bearer of said defects, namely me.  There are some things about myself that I have found have been almost impossible to eradicate totally. I consider them defects. I can only pray that they will be removed and replaced by better qualites, while actively working to make sure they don't manifest themselves constantly, running and ruining my life. A biggie for me has been false pride. I still have as much false pride today as I did when I entered the program. I know why I have it, I know it comes from being shamed and shame-based, and I know it is something that I constantly have to work on. It's even gotten to the point where I can feel it rear its ugly head and stop it from getting the better of me, but the fact is that I still have it.   

Yes, when we make amends we also have to make amends to those that have harmed us if we have harmed them in return. A good sponsor will help you figure out how that can be done without enabling them or harming yourself. It does not include writing grovelling letters of apology. In many cases, the best amends I could make to former abusers was to stay the hell away from them and/or deciding to never let them have the opportunity to abuse me again. In the case of my very N and APD ex, any apologies were used by him as further ammo in his fight to annihilate me, so I quickly learned that the only amends to make were to not let him continue to harm me or my daughter...it that case, the amends meant rigorous battle.  There are also some amends that should not be made in person because you could create incalculable harm. Let's say that you have been involved in an affair with a married person. You absolutely do not go to the partner's husband or wife and tell them,"Oh, btw, I am ________ and I am here to make an amends to you because I had an affair with your spouse." There is also the problem of making amends to people that you now longer can locate or who are dead, but a sponsor can help you with that.

From the side of early recovery, the amends step looks like Mt. Everest. Once I started making amends, I found it was more like a hill. Amends is not about apology, although apology can be part of it. It is about doing our level best not to continue doing harm to others and to ourselves. 

Hugs, Amethyst

David P

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #46 on: September 28, 2005, 01:33:05 AM »
My T is about 45 years old ( I guess) .She was a high school teacher previously -

When I first talked to her at the start of our first session,she got a phonecall from her home and she ranted and scolded the caller because he had accidently released her pet parrot .This bird was up on the roof and the caller wanted to know what to do next. My T was agitated and angry and I assumed that she was talking to her son(maybe about 12 years old)  She barked a few orders at him and she eventually ended the call in a state of frustration, shakng her head and all. She turned to me and said,"Sorry, that was my husband. He let the bird fly out of the cage."
Something told me that all was not OK in the state of Denmark . Maybe I should have listened to my inner voice and found another T. However I have no confidence in that inner voice. I distrust my feelings and I always have to check with others to ask whether my feelings are 'valid'.
What does it all mean?

David P.

Marta

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #47 on: September 28, 2005, 01:49:10 AM »
Quote
David
However I have no confidence in that inner voice. I distrust my feelings and I always have to check with others to ask whether my feelings are 'valid'.
What does it all mean?

David,

It just means that you found yourself on the right board; it is not named voicelessness message board without a reason.  :) It just means that you come from an abusive family and your dad is an N. You've just faced that a few weeks ago. it means you'll have to struggle to learn to I find your own voice if you don't want to be abused, so you better save some energy for that, and not pour all of it into a lawsuit. :lol: I lived like this for nearly four decades. I second guessed EVERYTHING; I could not rent even an apartment without checking with someone else first.

I was vaccilating over whether the T was just an incompetent idiot or an abuser. Now me thinks its the latter.

Hugs, Marta

David P

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #48 on: September 28, 2005, 02:16:53 AM »
I just read the letter from my T( ex-T) . She essentially said that my feeling of betrayal  and anger towards her are further indications that I am unstable. Her 'tone' in the letter was preachy and superior as if I had no right to challenge her-after all she was the T with a diploma.
She proceeded to 'help' me further by suggesting that I go back into therapy with someone else to,"explore your anger issues and your inappropriate responses".  I really WAS getting angry just reading her snivelling condescending slop. What a b****h.

I am glad that I am not her husband OR her parrot.
David P.

Marta

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #49 on: September 28, 2005, 04:21:33 AM »
David,

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

B***H. SHE IS TRULY EVIL.

This is crazymaking, they first incite you and set you up to be angry, then when you rise to the bait, they proceed to preach you about your anger issues in a superior tone. God, I am so angry at what she is doing to you. I am hitting hard on my pillow right now. You trusted her and she betrayed you, quite intentionally I think now. She is really quite evil. 

Following are two links to therapy abuse support groups. May be they know how to report an abusive therapist to a T board. Whatever else you do, dont write her an angry letter -- just because that's exactly what she wants you to do; she expects you to quickly react, so don't give her what she wants. Bide your time on this one.

I am so, so sorry that you have had to go through this experience. 

 :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/1124/Support/tasfaq.html
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AbuseinTherapy/

(((((David))))) Take care! Marta

longtire

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #50 on: September 28, 2005, 12:23:39 PM »
I just read the letter from my T( ex-T) . She essentially said that my feeling of betrayal  and anger towards her are further indications that I am unstable. Her 'tone' in the letter was preachy and superior as if I had no right to challenge her-after all she was the T with a diploma.
She proceeded to 'help' me further by suggesting that I go back into therapy with someone else to,"explore your anger issues and your inappropriate responses".  I really WAS getting angry just reading her snivelling condescending slop. What a b****h.

I am glad that I am not her husband OR her parrot.
David P.
So, basically she is saying that you need therapy to help work out your issues....  Duh!  It doesn't sound like she realizes *she* is the therapist who is supposed to be helping you with that!  If you were already perfect (like her?) you wouldn't need therapy, you would be treating her!  This kind of cluelessness (or pretended cluelessness) tweaks me no matter how many times I hear it.  :evil:

Your feelings of betrayal and anger toward your therapist are valid, even if she hadn't messed up at all.  They are still valid, valuable, and useful, even if it *IS* totally 100% projection on your part.  Even I know that, so I expect any therapist to know it as well.  And it is not just projection on your part.  She screwed up and blew your trust badly, and has done nothing constructive to acknowlege your hurt and work to heal it with you.  This stimulates all my betrayal and abandoment fears bigtime.  :x
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

vunil

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #51 on: September 28, 2005, 12:56:02 PM »
Quote
What does it all mean?

I think it means you got a therapist who is inferior to you in the things that matter for therapy-- she is less intelligent, less articulate, less aware of what a professional relationship looks like, less able to think for herself, and less confident.

Writing you a letter!  She is also less strong.  I also have never heard of a therapist writing a client a letter.  I think that action violates all kinds of therapy protocol.  Also, it is just so... incompetent.  Poor thing.  The story about the parrot was just priceless-- almost like a monte python skit.  Definitely listen the next time your inner voice says "run away" because your voice is right.

As for anger, I must have given the impression I am a much nicer person than I am :)  I am BIG on anger and encourage it in a lot of folks on this board because it is such an important first step, and on a personal level I just get so angry at the abuse people endure from their loved ones that I want to myself kick the abusers butt over and over.  Absolutely, anger is important.  I'm sorry I seemed as if I was encouraging you to just suck it up and deal with your parents (and your therapist) to save the relationships.  On the contrary.  I just didn't want to see you, who are on a really important quest for enlightenment, strength, and growth, spend any time trying to punish this little therapist woman who has no idea what the hell she's doing.  It is like spending the day swatting at a fly with a flyswatter or something-- each swat may feel like it will bring a release, but in fact it may have the opposite effect of making you want to swat more and more.  But 10 or 100 or no swats, it's still just a fly.  You have bigger things to aim for and worry about.

If that makes any sense.  Which it cannot possibly, given how much sleep I am getting! 


October

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #52 on: September 28, 2005, 01:58:55 PM »
I just read the letter from my T( ex-T) . She essentially said that my feeling of betrayal  and anger towards her are further indications that I am unstable. Her 'tone' in the letter was preachy and superior as if I had no right to challenge her-after all she was the T with a diploma.


Unstable.  Yes, that is a familiar one.  Or, in full, emotionally unstable.  I have met this one before.  It means you have feelings, and you do not bury them under a ton of sand to prevent the other person seeing them.

This is used as an attack on you, to put you on the defensive.  The reason for this is to deflect attention from the reasons for this state of being, which is her behaviour.

If her behaviour is reasonable, then your response to it - she says - is inappropriate and unstable.  However, that is a big 'if'.

The alternative interpretation is that your response is a perfectly normal and understandable response to her behaviour in betraying you in front of your abusive parents.  In this alternative scenario, if you were not feeling angry it would be a very worrying thing.  You deserve to feel angry, and are right to do so.  You are also within your rights, in feeling angry, to tell her so, and to request an explanation for her conduct.

She can choose to provide this explanation or not, but to deflect the attention back onto you is, in my opinion, indefensible.  Even if her behaviour to this point were unexceptionable (which is doubtful), this in my view constitutes abuse, by seeking to pathologise a normal response within a person who is already vulnerable, and who is in a position of trust in relation to her. 

I would seek further information re therapist abuse, as has been recommended by others, but I would  not try speaking to another therapist as yet - in my experience the medical profession closes ranks very quickly to protect its own, and you will get nowhere that way.  You will get only rationalisations and a metaphorical pat on the head.

Sela

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #53 on: September 28, 2005, 02:42:00 PM »
Found this link interesting.....anger workout (heehee....angrobics??? :mrgreen:):

http://www.coping.org/anger/workout.htm#two

Seems like your therapist vented her anger by writing you a letter, labelling you as unstable and as responding inappropriately to the abuse you perceived, and then...actually mailed it!!! :shock:

She's a bit of a nutbar.....to put it mildly, imo.  No professional would do such a thing and sleep well afterward.

Her poor husband (and parrot) :roll:   At least you don't ever have to see her again.  Count yourself lucky because at least you are trying and will eventually heal from your past/pain.  That woman is stuck with herbigsuperiorself (eooooow--gag icon please).

Sela

miss piggy

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #54 on: September 28, 2005, 04:07:18 PM »
Hello all,

Sheeeeeesh, David!     What.  A.  Weirdo.    :shock:

I would say "I have a right to my feelings.  I have a right to express my feelings.  I have a right to express my feelings at the person whose behavior incurred those feelings.  That does not make me unstable.  It makes me real."

Also, apologies to any teachers on the board, I find that many (OK not ALL) classroom teachers have real control issues.  After all, lock down control of so many hormone-driven bodies is a job requirement!  Yes, this is a personal prejudice of mine.  An opinion and my opinion only!   :shock:  I must quickly followup and say there are many teachers I admire (really!) and I know I couldn't do the job.  But some take it a bit too far and like the control/power/hiding out aspects more than the teaching/coaching aspects.  So there, Teach.

I wonder what the parrot repeats when she's not around!  8)  MP

vunil

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #55 on: September 28, 2005, 08:12:53 PM »
oh one more thing then I'll be quiet-- but therapy is a relationship-- the therapist's job is to cultivate that relationship and use it to help you to grow.  What in the heck kind of relationship is she fostering here, with this letter?  She is supposed to be on your side, the person helping you in your quest.  I can't imagine on what planet she thinks such a letter fits in with a therapeutic mission.   

I guess I do think that you should report her to someone or another, especially after this letter.  Maybe APA or whoever overseas whatever kind of therapist she is?  To me, the letter is the worst thing she has done, just do obviously incompetent and unprofessional.

Please do find someone better-- she is just not in the zip code of what a therapist can and should be.  I hope she hasn't caused too much harm-- it seems as if she hasn't, because she doesn't have you questioning yourself or worrying that you upset her or anything pathological like that.  Imagine if she had a really vulnerable client, though!  She could do a real number on them.  The poor person might think "even my therapist is rejecting me and thinks I am hopeless."

Sallying Forth

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #56 on: September 29, 2005, 01:30:38 AM »
Glad you ditched the b*tch, David. She is bad, bad news. This therapist needs to be reported to a licensing board.

Evil personified.  :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


I'm sorry you had to go through this with a supposed professional. Your anger is solely justified.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((David))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  BIG HUGS!!!


Her words are too familiar - my 4th therapist said nearly the same thing to me.
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

genuine

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #57 on: October 03, 2005, 08:14:22 AM »
David,

I applaud what you tried to do. My partner is going through the same thing. Your lives are uncannily the same. He has totally cut off his nparents and nsiblings now as I have with mine but in the past he tried to the same thing by confronting them and realised it was a waste of time. Cutting them out of your life is the best way, they can't stand being ignored and since they have angered you your whole life your only returning the favour lol. In the meantime live your precious life.

My partner's father is dying from colon cancer but he doesn't want to see him, let alone want to go to his funeral. To others this might sound harsh but they don't know the abuse he suffered behind closed doors and at how his father took his life savings, and sabotaged him with every step he took in life. Your therapist is a weak individual and I believe her judgement was clouded by her own feelings. Maybe she could never stand up to her own parents as someone else commented.

Hang in there, keep your chin up
malia aka genuine
The more you depend on forces outside yourself, the more you are dominated by them.

vunil

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #58 on: October 03, 2005, 05:14:10 PM »
Hey, Dave P-- Have you heard of the Karpman drama triangle?  Mudpup told me about it on another thread.  I think it may fit your family.  The kind of victim they want you to be was this meek person who let them (your dad) control you.  Now the kind of victim they are painting you as is the "sick" one who is "mentally unstable."  I do think it fits-- right down to your mother calling you after the therapy session to make everything right.

My family fits it, too.  Or wants to fit it or perpetuates it or whatever the words are, because it isn't "really" true that I'm a victim.  I seem obligated to fulfill that role around them, though.  Here's to not fulfilling it...  My dad seems very similar to your dad, except my dad would NEVER go to a therapy session with me unless he was pretty assured the therapist would show me "tough love" and explain to me that I am wrong.  I think he would love to go on Dr. Phil with me and have the doctor yell at me :)

Anyway.  Nothing like an armchair psychologist, is there?  But thought you might get something out of the idea.  I am going to do more reading about it...

genuine

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Re: Meeting with my parents and T- update .
« Reply #59 on: October 03, 2005, 05:55:31 PM »
Have you heard of the Karpman drama triangle? The kind of victim they want you to be was this meek person who let them control you. Now the kind of victim they are painting you as is the "sick" one who is "mentally unstable."

That is definitely something to learn and look into David. Sooooo true, thats how my future inlaws persecuted their son and my own nmother is trying to make me look mentally ill as well.

Here is an interesting link: http://weinholds.org/growth_vc_3dtrap.asp

The more you depend on forces outside yourself, the more you are dominated by them.