THANKS, everybody! She is a girl, feeding right now as we speak. Basically, she feeds and eats. I never knew how much babies love breastfeeding-- it is pretty amazing to watch her. Which I spend all of my time doing. It is almost impossible to get enough sleep, as all of your parents know, which gives the whole experience this other-wordly haze.
My folks are here helping me and it is such a complicated thing, taking help from them, that I think it will be a year before I work all of it out in my mind/heart. It is wonderful to have the help, and I think it is absolutely necessary, although I wonder if I could have (should have?) hired someone instead. I can't tell if our relationship is growing from this or not. When people have N tendencies there is always that double-edged sword, isn't there? I have noticed that the form of their giving to me always takes two forms-- either it is a gift I didn't quite ask for or want (sometimes it is just a couple of steps removed from what I really wanted, but often not spot on), or it is given only after a bit of argument and reproach so that it feels slightly weird when it arrives, like I had to pay for it or something. But on the other hand it is giving-- and I really am needy right now.
So, as an example, the tire on my car appears to have a problem (unbeknownst to me), and my father takes it to be replaced, picks out the replacement tire and has it put on. But never asks me a thing about it, picks the most expensive place and tire, and now I have to pay for something that I wouldn't have picked. It is all announced when he gets back from the tire place. I have strong opinions about the issue since the same thing happened to me two years ago, but he never asked me so I never got to tell him where I would have gone to get the new tire and what I wanted. I don't like what he picked, and it was super-expensive. It is hard to know how to feel! Now I have a new tire, which I guess I needed. But I am in my 40's and it is my car and I sort of feel like I ought to have some say in what goes on it. As an example of the reproach, whenever I need something and suggest it (e.g., smaller diapers for the baby, since the other ones fall off) the first response is ALWAYS that I am wrong to want it. Eventually I get what I want, or usually do, but it may either not be exactly what I asked for, or it is given but followed up with lots of argumentation proving I was wrong to want it after all (e.g., note how these new diapers are too small, not as good as the old ones, etc.). But! I needed the new diapers and they got them for me, so that is all that matters (right?).
I know an obvious response is "get the diapers yourself and leave them out of it" but I plead c-section/new mother to that response. I am not allowed to drive, for one thing, for another month.
See? Isn't it complicated? In a way it is tougher with a full-on NPD jerk because there isn't love in anything they do and they will never really be there for you. With regular people with N tendencies, it is more subtle. I feel uncomfortable most of the time, then guilty about feeling uncomfortable, then happy to have the help, then full of love at how much they are giving me, then back to uncomfortable. I never really feel like I'm in my own life.
Maybe it's post-partum dementia
Anyone else have this kind of experience? It's much more grey-area than a lot of the relationships we talk about here, and I am feeling very foggy about it. Will need therapy for awhile after they leave...
