Mia,
First of all you can't go into something like this in a piecemeal fashion. You have to drop every legitimate bomb you have. That means you're not going to be only in family court. You're going to be in ordinary civil court also. And you should never take a case like this to a judge. With a vindictive evil man versus a sweet, frail woman (try to look frail) with two small children, you want your fate resting in the hands of a jury, not one judge who may have his own agenda.
Do you trust your attorney to be able to demonstrate to a jury what your ex has done?
Is your ex able to control his behavior in court or is your lawyer able to draw him out and manipulate him into showing his true self?
People often think filing first makes you look bad. Not to normal people. It makes you look like the aggrieved party, especially if you can demonstrate years of forebearance of his abuse prior to filing.
If you have a good lawyer and a jury the judge is less important. Your lawyer should have a sense of who the unsympathetic judges in your area might be and typically you are allowed to challenge a judge prior to trial, as long as its done in a timely manner.
The most important thing is to make it clear to him his lifestyle and facade are at issue, not his control of your kids or you. As long as these Ns are arguing over other people they are quite content to fight forever. They always maneuver it so they're on offense and others are on defense. That's because their behavior is indefensible. When the issue becomes how much of his income and assets, and most importantly, the mask of competence and superiority that he believes he has built up, is going to be ripped away, then you know he is going to be climbing the walls. But that is your great advantage. As ridiculous as it seems to us they really think they are fooling people with their goofy shenanigans. They really think they are charming judges and juries, even while the jurors are looking at each other thinking "how did this guy get to be this age without receiving a lethal gunshot?"
You really need to measure this guy. Not all Ns fall apart under pressure. But yours sounds like the perfect kind to be cross examined and raked over the coals to let the inner snake out.
Don't take too many lessons from family court to this kind of tria eitherl. In this kind of a thing you are allowed and in fact encouraged to show the jury every boil and scab on this goofs hide. And when they see them they will want to punish him. That is why they are called punitive damages. Or exemplary damages, in order to make an example of him.
Make no mistake, this is a high stakes and expensive thing to do and it will take years to complete and there are absolutely no guarantees you won't waste a bunch of money and get nothing.
The question is whether its better to tolerate what he is doing to you now with no real way to get rid of him or whether its worth the risk to so hurt him he backs off. If you have a realistic expectation of somehow limiting his contact with your kids and moving away from him, that would no doubt be much easier. But if you're realistically looking at years and years of the same or worse of what you're getting right now, it is certainly worth considering asking some of your peers to make him compensate you for the pain and torment he has inflicted on you and your family.
It partly depends on your personality too. If you're going to be overwhelmed and depressed by having to fight even more than you are now then you better find a different course. But if you're the kind of person who turns into a whirling dervish when you finally get the chance to land a few punches after years of being pushed around thats another kettle of fish.
Depends on your hubby's personality too. Sounds like he is ready to go after him.
One last bit of advice, if you do go after him you or hubby have to stay on top of everything your lawyer does. I don't care how good they are, lawyers never know a case or an opponent a tenth as good as their clients. And if you don't watch every thing they do, invariably they will do some really stupid things, but they'll still expect to be paid for them.
Good luck.
mud
