How N's put a "crazy spin" on any subject they tal

[Anastasia]

As, I think it was Star, mentioned in one of her posts on this board:  her husband puts a crazy spin on anything they talk about and it throws her.  Nmother puts the craziest spins on just about any subjective comment there is.  It has thrown me loopy for years how she doesn't see reality as it really is but how she perceives it (which is in a crazy way).  Is this common to all narcissists?  Does anyone else have any experience with this behavior from their narcissist?  I always just thought my Nmother was crazy, but maybe this, too, is another symptom of narcissism.

[CC]

It is ABSOLUTELY a narcissistic trait.  It is, in some books on the subject literally called "crazy-making".  They extract what they want to hear from something you said and interpret it to their manipulative advantage.  The latest type I have been dealing with is the "paranoid" interpretation, where something I've said has been interpreted as a direct attack to my N mother.  Or, perhaps, you mean you say one thing, and they "repeat" it back to you, except it is completely different than what you actually said. One of our regular posters, Rob, appropriately has termed this "word twisting".

Don't worry, you are not crazy.  You said what you said, and you heard what you heard.  Don't argue with them, just know it in your heart.  Diffuse it the best you can by not validating their misinterpretation. Ignore, ignore, ignore.  Very much easier said than done, I struggle all the time.  Your defense mechanism is to deny, argue and defend.  But the truth is, the less you acknowledge the crazy making, the less tendency the N has to be a repeat offender.  When they see it is not effective, they stop using the tactic.

[CC]

I just re-read your post, and think that perhaps you did not mean that the crazy spin is necessarily directed at YOU.  But the same word twisting applies - The interpretation of any subject matter is often what the N WANTS it to be percieved as- so they can somehow display their wisdom, or their need for understanding - or their need to point out other's faults and criticize to make themselves feel superior - or whatever need they are trying to fullfill.  My Nmother often does this with politics or larger scale subjects, so she can show me her refined education/breeding/intelligence level or identification with grandiose figures.

[Rojo]

Hi, Anastasia

Well, let's see...my NMom does put some crazy spins on several things, which make absolutely no sense to me.  In a post I did a while ago, I mentioned how she advised me that I owe it to her to have children, and that I owed it to her to get married at a certain place, etc.  To me that's a crazy spin on the concept of a person's individual rights, namely mine.  

Other examples are better highlighted by her actions as opposed to just her verbiage.  She's still good friends with several, highly inappropriate persons, whose conduct in our family has been unacceptably damaging, even to her own kids.  None of these individuals have ever apologized for their actions, yet NMom not only condones but also encourages their continued involvement in our family and gets outraged when someone like myself reject these a-holes utterly.  She also absolutely refuses point blank to acknowledge the negative impact these people have had on our family, let alone the severity of the impact.

Her rather lame reasoning is that one needs to forgive and forget...move on.  It's as if by admitting the faults of these people exist, she perhaps feels she will in turn have to admit to errors in her judgement, which is something her N mind absolutely cannot do...being wrong is simply not an option for her.  So, she'll validate the conduct of these people, beyond all rational reasoning and, referencing your query, she will put any spin on the story as is necessary to accomplish the objective of not looking as though she's made a mistake by associating with them...no matter how despicable or damaging their, as well as her conduct is.

Go figure.     Anastasia, I'm unsure whether or not I answered your question but this is my personal take on the subject of spinning.  I think spinning the facts is an integral part of the N's operating system.

God bless and hang in there.  

Rojo

[Anastasia]

Let me give you a good example of the kind of crap my crazy Nmother does:  visiting her and a friend of hers came to visit.  This guy is a good guy, ex-Cop, and he helps all the old ladies in the area out.  
He and I sat chatting while my Nmother was talking with a realtor.  
I was talking about business and how I work (which is kinda workaholically sometimes) and how I do business--just general stuff--and he must have liked what he heard because he started to lean in and act verrrry interested.  He was giving me those "gosh, you are wonderful" looks.  I wan't making anything up, but just giving him my general philosophy on business and so forth.
After they left, Nmother says,"YOU just talked to (Mr. ex-Cop) TERRIBLY!"  I wasn't going to let this crap go by so I started grilling her:  "what do you mean by that?"  "exactly WHAT did I do or say that was terrible?" Etc. etc.
It came down to her saying weakly "well, you did talk louder than him."
So, what it came down to is this crazy Nmother was JEALOUS of her male friend talking to ME!!!  
I am just starting to realize how JEALOUS she has been of her own daughter--ME--all these years and how much she has screwed me over because of it.  Is this really the sickest or what?  Whew....I am still reeling from the realization of all that happened because of her.  
"Beware of weak people as they are dangerous!!!"
And, oh, yes...the "forgive and forget" b.s.  That crazy woman used to send me letters on how I couldn't "run away from my troubles" (just watch me, old lady!!!) and how I wouldn't forget the past...oh, brother!

[Discounted Girl]

Yep, they have to be forgiven by someone higher up the ladder than me, that's for sure. That's not my job. And trying to forget, that is the hard part. Just when you think you can get interested in something -- BAM !! There she is again, hollering in your mind, shaking her finger, looking at you in that disapproving manner, criticizing, condemning. Little girl in the corner shaking with a dry mouth, trying to figure out what the heck she had done wrong. Big hypocrite !! Always trying to get over on someone, to outdo them, to show them up, but she was the only one who ever thought she was a big shot. Pretending to help people when she only did it to be the star and force people to kneel before her (in her mind). That's why I call her the NQueen (the only time you will see me capitalize any reference to her).

[Anonymous]

How about this one? My mother (who isn't a full-blown N because I do get some sort of empathy from her, but she's up there) thinks that she is perfectly entitled to criticise. She defends this by saying that when people get upset at her criticisms it's only because "they can't accept criticisms!"

Karin (forgot to log in)

[tortilla]

Hi Anastasia,
Oh yes, the jealousy is nasty with my Nlaws.
And if they think they can do something better than you they rub it in your face with such a lack of subtlety and discretion, it is quite amazing.
Very "nanananana...look what I can do and you can't" like little kids.
One time my sister -in -law who was I guess jealous cuz my dyed hair looked better than her grey hair said, "Hi Roots"
to which I replied, "Hmmm Are you jealous?" She was so surprised  that she put her head down, muttered "Yes" and walked away.
One time my mother in law was going on about how I couldn't cook and she could. I decided afterwards that the next time she said that I'd slowly swagger over to her with my hands on my hips (provocatively) and say,
"Your son didn't marry me for my stew, you know." I never got to say it though..she  passed away. I really would have enjoyed saying that though.....
Hang in there Anaastasia!!!

[CC]

Ha! Tortilla, I would have thought from your screen name that you really could cook...even if just metaphorically!

[WarriorGirl]

I just have to say how heartened I am to hear the stories of all you wonderful, resilient, strong survivors. Are you SURE you weren't dealing with my ex-boyfriend?

[Anastasia]

Tortilla, I have to remember than line to your mother-in-law if I ever need it.  Good one...gave me a chuckle!  

[Anastasia]

Jacmac, I didn't know your mother was my mother!!!!!  Ha ha!
This Board has helped me so in the sense that I see so many common threads from all of you with these Narcissists.  I don't feel so alone anymore...my friends from healthier families think I am making this crap up or they start feeling so bad for me I start feeling guilty for even telling them some of these stories.  Would anyone but those of us from Narcissistic parents ever believe these stories anyway?

[Discounted Girl]

EXACTLY !!! This disorder (which is really a bad habit, chosen by aholes) is so bizarre, nobody knows about it or believes it. It is so unnatural to treat your own child in such fashion, that the reporting victim is the one who looks mean-spirited or crazy. There are only certain types of personalities that carry such deep wounds -- others are able to get through it and go on, maybe even maintain a superficial relationship with the wicked ones. I wish the whole world knew about it -- about how nice little kids, deserving of love, attention, protection and respect didn't get it, but they APPEARED to be well-treated. If my NQueenmother had burned me with cigarettes, or beat me with a board, they would have taken me away -- someone would have stepped in. But, out of her twisted hatred for me, she chose to abuse me in a subtle and almost invisible manner. Oh, how could such a dumb cluck as she is have pulled it off !! ?? These people stink, big time. Now that my kids are grown, I am thinking I need to volunteer to work in some way with building self-esteem in children, teaching them they are special and wonderful and important.