Hi David, I agree that malpractice and board reporting is more the way to go. Many lawyers work on contingency. After reading what everyone said about small claims, I agree they are right.
Another thing you can do from now on is take a tape recorder to all sessions, especially if you visit two collegaues of the therapist.
I guess I don't have the fear of getting stuck in anger that many do. I certainly was afraid of anger at one point in my process of healing and believed that it might be devastating or that I might end up in a permanent state of resentment.
I confronted my mother by letter. It was gentle but I told her that she had not protected me and that I needed time to seperate and heal. My mother took it as if I had mortally affronted her and practically sat shiva for me. I was disowned and disinherited. We did have some death bed closure years later. I could not confront my dad because he already was senile. I did alot of "empty chair" work with my dad.
I happen to love the words "defects of character." They are old-fashioned words, but they place the onus strictly on the bearer of said defects, namely me. There are some things about myself that I have found have been almost impossible to eradicate totally. I consider them defects. I can only pray that they will be removed and replaced by better qualites, while actively working to make sure they don't manifest themselves constantly, running and ruining my life. A biggie for me has been false pride. I still have as much false pride today as I did when I entered the program. I know why I have it, I know it comes from being shamed and shame-based, and I know it is something that I constantly have to work on. It's even gotten to the point where I can feel it rear its ugly head and stop it from getting the better of me, but the fact is that I still have it.
Yes, when we make amends we also have to make amends to those that have harmed us if we have harmed them in return. A good sponsor will help you figure out how that can be done without enabling them or harming yourself. It does not include writing grovelling letters of apology. In many cases, the best amends I could make to former abusers was to stay the hell away from them and/or deciding to never let them have the opportunity to abuse me again. In the case of my very N and APD ex, any apologies were used by him as further ammo in his fight to annihilate me, so I quickly learned that the only amends to make were to not let him continue to harm me or my daughter...it that case, the amends meant rigorous battle. There are also some amends that should not be made in person because you could create incalculable harm. Let's say that you have been involved in an affair with a married person. You absolutely do not go to the partner's husband or wife and tell them,"Oh, btw, I am ________ and I am here to make an amends to you because I had an affair with your spouse." There is also the problem of making amends to people that you now longer can locate or who are dead, but a sponsor can help you with that.
From the side of early recovery, the amends step looks like Mt. Everest. Once I started making amends, I found it was more like a hill. Amends is not about apology, although apology can be part of it. It is about doing our level best not to continue doing harm to others and to ourselves.
Hugs, Amethyst
