Confront Letters to Nmother and Nbrother, 17 years ago

[Sallying Forth]

Cleaning out some drawers the other day I found the two confront letters I had sent to my Nmother and Nbrother. They were both written in 1988 only 3  months after I started in therapy. They were right on about what had happened to me as a child and young adult. I nailed them on their N behavior but didn't even recognize that I did. Only reading back now was I able to see it. I was also able to express the depth of pain I suffered although I didn't get in touch with all that pain until this year. I cut off all contact with my family that year for 11 years.

Here is an excerpt to my Nbrother:
D. you are the worst kind of death - you are oozing slow sickness eating away at my essence, the core of me. My pain is so great - I wanted your friendship, your closeness - not any more. Your abuse is more than any human should have to endure, let alone your own sister. You have dredged my soul in slime, filth and blood. I beared my very heart and soul, you tore into its essence. You continued dragging me still further until I reached the pit of sh*t, the bottom of human existence - selfless, nonexistence, worthless, DEAD TO MYSELF!

My Nbrother joined my Nparents in my abuse and sexually assaulted me.

To my Nmother I refused to address her as Mom as I would normally. I addressed the letter to her first name. Essentially disowning my mother's relationship with me. I wrote this letter before I was scheduled to meet with my Nparents and youngest brother. At the last minute I decided to not go. My h showed up to get the boxes of ours they had been keeping in their garage. However I was no where in sight. My Nparents opened all the car doors and searched inside OUR car for me. They kept saying, "Where is she?" He kept repeating, "She decided to not come." They drilled him for over 30 minutes about my location. They thought I was holed up in a nearby hotel. Then my Nmother turned cold and nasty. "You know you can't believe anything she says. She's got a great imagination." She put me down for about 20 minutes. My h was totally shocked by my Nmother's behavior and clearly remembers the incident to this day.

Here is the excerpts from my letter to my Nmother:
... J,
I am choosing not to speak with you in person. Your behavior though quite predictable, has been very hurtful. ... Your abusive and demeaning and degrading manner in which you relate to me has been extremely painful to me.
(here I list her behaviors)
You are seductive.
You are selfish, seeking only to keep things controlled by you.
You are controlling.
You are manipulating.
You are sadistic and sick in your methods to gain and keep control!
You are afraid to be without control.
You are abusive.
You are judgmental.
You are critical.
You are smothering.
You are overcontrolling.
You are an emotional batterer.
You are a degrader, a demeaner, a berater, a discreditor, a minimizer.
You are so f***ing fearful, you have to hold on tight to everything and everyone!
You are in deep denial about the horrible pain within yourself, so you have to inflict pain onto me - another woman like yourself.
You are hoping no one will notice the real truth about yourself - the fake smile, the fake laugh, the fake happiness is all a facade.
You will probably stay in denial of your own painful truth for the rest of your life.
You like to "play it safe."
You probably don't know what a real feeling is
  1. ANGER  2.  SADNESS  3.  FEAR  4.  GLADNESS
    You know feelings?

I probably could continue this list for another couple of pages.

I have closed my eyes to the truth for the last time. You wont shut me up or stop my actions or stop the flow of my feelings. These are my rights I have as a human being.

I never felt human in our family. I have always felt abused, used and smothered. I always saw that it was only D. I never once thought to see past your bullsh*t and lies and coverups. M. (bro 2 years younger than I) remembers your systematic verbal and emotional abuse of me which continued throughout my childhood. ... It was abandonment from the beginning.

The last abandonment you "performed" was our telephone conversation - "You need help, psychological help." Translation: "I, J., need to support my son, D. My goodness how would I ever be able to live next door to him if I was on your side. Not only that, you are rocking the boat here. That is absolutely NOT allowed! We must all keep the status quo."

Count me out! I am not following the family rules any more. I am going to break all of them.

THE NO TALK RULE, consider it broken. THE SMILE AND LOOK HAPPY RULE, I am a human being and have a full range of feelings. ...

P.S. The only problems I have at this time are all living in H. County, my family of origin.

Stop mind-f***ing me. I am not your puppet or a piece of clay that you can control and mold.

Looking back and reading this again today I just laughed I can't believe I wrote those words to my Nmother 17 years ago next month. And that I actually sent her the 8 page letter! The other shock was how I was able to see right through her and see the N behavior back then. Of course there was parameters for that then but I nailed it on the head.

That confrontation letter was a bold and powerful first step in taking back my life from her and my f'ed up family.

[write]

that's a lot of trauma.

Hope you have a good support system and good therapist to take care of you.

I dropped my 'relationship' with my mother age 16; she was so sick she caused trouble and mayhem wherever she went. Everywhere, no one liked her for more than a few minutes, even her own mother refused to work with her after she got her a job and she wrecked the place!

When she died two years ago, though I was sad for her family, and her short life, I tried to establish some contact with her mother and daughter out of what I saw as common decency...sent flowers, taked to them etc. I don't think they ever realised what we did, and I never tried to tell them, contact soon broke down; I believe because they thought me and my siblings were heartless.

I don't see any point in trying to change anything, probably couldn't anyway. Feel proud I tried to be decent in the face of their loss. Glad they didn't experience the full fury of her malice.

We have to do what we need to survive whilst maintaining our own humanity...good for you.

[Sallying Forth]

Hi Write,
I've been in therapy since then.

When I read If You Had Controlling Parents I was shocked. Everything was my Nparents. I said yes to it all. And the letters I wrote 17 years ago contain that evidence which I only now understand. It was beyond controlling, beyond N.

And now ... I feel like everything makes such perfect sense. All the missing blanks are filled in and I'm in the home stretch of my therapy, f-i-n-a-l-l-y!

[David P]

Hey Sally - you really gave it to her !! Good for you.

I am wondering if ,at any point, your T said stuff like," Oh well, they did the best that they could and I am sure they loved you in their own way."  That stuff is so f*****g  limp !

BTW where do I get "If you have controlling parents" Is it a paperback. Barnes and Noble?


davido

[Sela]

Hi Sally:

I could really feel the deep, raw emotion of your words and I was imagining the release you might have felt....writing all that and actually mailing it....especially 17 years ago....when I guess I assume you were much younger??  Wow!  That was a lot to get off of your chest....and there were 8 pages???  Holey moley!!  Now that's ......letting it alll hang out!!!

I have been tempted to send similar type letters to my abusers but I have always decided not to.  I think I've been afraid it would back fire and things would get worse (if you can imagine?).  I also think I am afraid I would feel guilty about trying to hurt them back (because that's what I would be trying to do in such a letter, not just expressing my own stuff but actually trying to hurt them by exposing them?).  Maybe that sounds silly.  Did you feel any guilt after sending the letter(s)?

Fear, fear, guilt.  What else is new?  Same song, different key.  Now that I think about it.....they still had/have control over me in this way.  My not sending such letters is directly related to what I fear they will do about it and my not wanting to feel the guilt response......the one I know I will feel if I try to harm them, even with words (which is probably totally unrealistic since it's tough to harm those who behave like they do, even with words eh?).

Well.....reading your letter excerpts and writing this....has helped me realize this.

Thanks Sally.  I'm still not over the fear and guilt but at least I am able to name it now.

Sela

[Moira]

Hi Sally and all! Great letter. For me personally I write those letters but never send them. I know for a fact that my N relatives will use it to continue abusing me. They would relish my anger and pain and it would keep the door open for more of the same dysfunctional dance between us that, for me, silence, has been the only way to totally cut them off. When I don't play their game, there's nothing for them to work with and nothing to further torture me with. That;'s just me. I totally get where you are coming from! Out of curiousity- and forgive my seive like memory !- but wouold be interested in hearing what- if any- response you received. Moira

[jordanspeeps]

i can imagine how liberating it must have been to send the letter 17 years ago, but isn't it even more liberating to come upon them now that you've processed what you were experiencing.  good for you. 

i sent a similar 3 page handwritten letter to my Nmother several years ago, before i had any inkling of NPD, and although i listed several serious grievances i had with her and restated my life atrocities in the letter, the main point of the letter was to tell her that i forgave her.  she, not really the type to keep up with correspondence, even important, legal/financial documents, did read it and recently, maybe about 6 months ago, i was in her home and caught a glimpse of the envelope in which i sent the letter originally with the letter hanging out a bit. i've thought about it and thought maybe she put it in plain view for a reason.  maybe to remind me of it and the painful period we were going through at that time, as if i could forget.  or maybe i just unexpectedly caught her re-reading it's contents.  whatever the reason, i'm so glad i wrote and sent that letter.  my Nmom has little conscience and forgets every thing i've ever said that plays her in a negative light.  but with that letter, which i'm floored still exists, she has that reminder of what REALLY has broken our relationship, a temporary break from the fantasy she's harboring that her 30 yr old D is a blubbering, dependent, petty, incompetent.

inspiring SF!  i hope some of the others with unsent letters will send them and dump some of that Ncrap back into the laps of the perpetrators. 

tif

[Sallying Forth]

To David P.:
If You Had Controlling Parents is available through B & N or Amazon. I bought my copy slightly used from Amazon's used book section. I frequently buy there.

To Moira:
My intention of sending the letter was to cut off all contact. AND have my say without having to listen to all the defensive bullsh&t my Nmother and Nfather would spew forth. It worked. The only reply was "Don't contact us until you can be 'non-vitriolic'." Believe me, I didn't! 

To Sela:
No guilt rather relief. I did have fear of being cut of my parents' will. It took 17 years to decide it didn't matter one way or another. I don't care any more.
I would say it was cathartic and the best thing I ever did in my life.