Thank you all for your responses. To be honest, I was shocked by them. I FELT like I was raving and blathering at the same time last night. To be called rational and strong in several different ways by different people. Wow! What a reality check. For so long, I have viewed myself as flawed, irrational and too weak to ever do anything to really change my life. The people here are my lifesavers. You all are an important part of my chosen family, even though we have never met, and probably never will. Sometimes I day dream about walking down the street and meeting someone from here and really sitting down to a cup of coffee and talking. Does anyone else do this? I suppose it is a good sign that I want more connection in my life, but with people who are safe and caring.
I realized that I left out some details from my post the other night. The down side of not editing, I guess. In the Email to my wife, I included a line about checking with me first from now on if she wanted my financial assistance on non-required things for my daughter. So, I did leave the door open for legitimate needs and discussions. I also realized it was not clear that even though I am having my paycheck direct deposited to my personal account, I still plan to transfer enough cover the bills, along with her paycheck. I don't want my daughter to think that I don't care about her or that I am being mean to her mom.
I read some other mailing lists for "non's" of Borderlin PD people. In some senses I am grateful that my wife's behavior has never been so violent or over the top as many of the stories tell about there. On the other hand, the covertness and hidden nature of it has made it a lot harder for me identify what has been going on for so long. Many of the people on these lists still long for their abusive SO's and remember all the really good times. In my case, I feel ripped off because we had problems from day one and all the "courtship" was really and act. We never had any honest, good times. On the other hand, I am not looking back at this point and have NO desire to get back together. My prior ambivalence was fueled much more by my terror and panic around abandonment than anything my wife has ever done. I have finally realized that the oold saying is especially true for me, "There is nothing to fear, but fear, itself." My fear has kept me in this dead relationship for way too long. Of course my wife didn't feel like she needed to treat me like a human being, instead of her emotional toilet. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay, but I just didn't know how to leave. Being torn in the middle was excruciating. Somehow, I am still the same person coming out this side. I am surprised to find that I am not bitter or jaded. I believe that marriage can work and be a great thing. I no longer believe in fairy tale hsappily ever after, though. I DON'T believe that all women are backstabbing b*%@!s out to use men. To be sure, some are, but so are some men. Having a chance to share and listen with you here has proven to me that there are plenty of good people in the world, I just have to make sure they are safe before I open up TOO much. I used to be afraid because my wife seemed emotionally "big." Now I realize that is part of her facade, or plumage, like a peacock spreading its feathers to seem intimidating. The truth is she treated me that way because, despite all my issues, I was truly "bigger" than her. Rather that reach out for help, she took the defensive and then the offensive to make sure that I couldn't use that against her, the way she used it against me and would try to use it against others. How sad. She doesn't seem big to me anymore.
"When the student is ready, the book will appear." That seems to be the way it works for me. I've been reading "Crazy Time" suggested by several people here. It is really validating and is helping me to pull together a lot of the pieces that I didn't realize were related to the separation and impending divorce. It is reassuring to know that my mood swings don't indicate a serious mental disorder, they are very common for people separating and divorcing. Most of the time, I don't feel angry about the situation. Sometimes, though, when I'm talking to myself in the car
it just pops out of my mouth. Now, I'm OK with it and see it as releasing some pressure. I'm being more open to it, but for now it just seems to be more of a pressure release than anything big.
Well, I'm rattling on and on about me but I want you to know that you sound great and yes, we are co-dependents but that label can be used to explain our part in a dysfunctional relationship and also be used to beat ourselves up when we are feeling down. We can be the same person in a healthy relationship and then we are called supportive and empathetic. We just need to find the right people which we will.
I finally get this. I am a naturally open person. I love connection and community, not just for myself, but for others too. It is genuinely difficult for me to understand why many other people don't seem to feel the same way. For a long time I've been beating myself up for "leaving myself open" with this trait,, rather than valuing it as the gift it is. I believe that I CAN't change this about myself, not that I want to. It is one of the things I really like about myself. It is part of who I am. What I've been missing is to be more selective about who I admit and share this with and when (how soon) I do it. That IS something I can change and am working on.
As for people hating you, I honestly can't imagine ANYONE hating you, ever, although I guess there are folks with terrible taste out there. But you are so articulate, so reasonable, so sensitive. I do not think you properly appreciate yourself. I think this is a problem with most of the people on this board, sort of that anti-narcissism where people have no idea of their own worth.
You know, I think that I always projected that these people MUST hate me because of how they are treating me. However, in some sick way, I almost wonder whether they love me. Oh, not as in loving me, but as in needing me to feel better, to feel fulfilled by projecting their emotional crap onto me. Psychologists call it a "love object" whether the person feels love or hate towards it. Essentially, this person (love object) becomes the most important or only existing thing for them, at least for a while. Almost like an anchor or a point of reference. If they really had no use for me, these people would have ignored me.
As for anti-N, I think extremes are usually not healthy. Too much or too little is not good place to be. Balanced and healthy and able to choose based on the situation is where I'm aiming for. I'm still coming out from under my wife's "spell." The best shock value is had when you demonize the other person's best qualities, don't you know? She didn't criticize me for my faults, well not so much. That would too intimate and connected. She either criticized me for her faults by projecting, or she criticized me for my best qualities. Oh, she never called it that. But my reaching out, trying to be supportive and listening were called "always after sex," "inadequate," and "demanding," respectively. I think it will take a while to really get out of that screwed up mindset, but I'm already on my way and grateful for every bit of self-appreciation I have back.
I think that your wife does think of herself as another one of your children that you need to care for.
I think that my wife married her mother. I KNOW she did. She was not able to really ever discern me as being separate from her mother until in front of the marriage counselor. Still, I don't know if she really meant it or was just saying it for her audience. Feeling trapped with a seemingly overbearing presence is one thing she and I have in common. I can't really hate her for this. As bad as just being around her was for me, she is hurting herself much worse than she ever did to me. Getting angry with her bhavior, that is a completely different story!
You sound so gentle and so sweet. If you are afraid of being hated, then it is only legacy of your past with Ns.
Thank you for this feedback. I am still early enough in recovery that it surprises me to have someone see/hear/read me and tell me they like it! Being sweet and gentle could lead to caring and intimacy. She had to stop that at all costs, so she attacked those things when I did them. Then when I stopped in pain and confusion, she attacked me for NOT doing those things. I think most people have a comfort zone. People too far away is lonely, but people too close (for their familiarity level) is intrusive. I think that my wife has NO comfort zone. Too close and too far overlap and she feels both at the same time. There is no space between where someone else can be close enough to not feel lonely, but not overly close. Abandonment or Invasion. Black or White. All or Nothing.
Just expect the rath don't run away from it. Keep praying for the strenght to overcome the fear you must face.
I do expect her reactions. I accept that they will happen or not and I can't control that. I accept that her words will convince other people or not, and I can't control it. I accept that she will be angry with me and I can't control that either. If she tries to do something damaging, I will respond in a way to protect myself. I won't worry about it until then. That is really difficult for me because predicting potential problems and taking easy steps to prevent them early on has been a very successful strategy for me in school and at work. Still, this middle-aged dog is not too old to learn some new and improved tricks. Anticipate and protect when important and appropriate. DON'T worry about every possible bad thing that could happen, just deal with it as an adult when and if it actually does. BTW OR, that FAS stuff is stupifyingly moronic.
I will give him an A for creativity, though.
I could never go that far out in left field to invent something as assinine as that. Imagine harnessing that creativity for something positive and enriching instead of wasting it on distractions.
One last point for tonight. I use to worry about posting too much and being too wordy. I just accept that it is where I am at right now. I use only the words I think I need to use to make my point or convey my message. Some people might not be able to handle that. They probably take one look at this thread and say "I'm not wasting my time reading all that." Actually, i have not had one person here get irate at me posting too much or too long. So, I'll accept THAT about myself and deal with any problems if and when they ever come up. Good night, all.
