Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
N's beat their children into emotional submission?
CC:
I really believe the reason that they had children as Ns is because of their generation... its important to an N to keep up social appearances... and the reality is, there weren't the choices there are now. It was EXPECTED that they had children, and it was not acceptable to go out of your way for birth control - my Nmother has come out and told me this, and she is 75 years old - all three of us were unplanned. She is kinder than some of your mothers in at least saying to our faces that it didn't matter, she loved us anyway. But her actions spoke louder than words. I think if she felt she had a choice, she WOULDN'T have had any of us. And, interestingly, her alchohol abuse began shortly after my brother (the oldest) was born. Consequently, our mothers did what they could to cope with what they didn't want: they controlled, manipulated, and abused to make it easier for themselves.
It is those very characteristic traits of an N which was the reason that for a long time I did not think I wanted children. I didn't want them for all the selfish reasons. I saw them as an interference, an interruption, and a responsibility that I didn't want. I would roll my eyes in a restaurant if a child made noise - just like my mother does. I would think in my head when a child was crying for a toy in a store "shut that kid up", my mother actually says it out loud to me when we are out together. My mother felt all of those things I'm sure.. but would never admit it to us. I still feel some shame admitting it to you all.
Many of you know that I am four months pregnant now. I gradually changed my mind about having a child after being with my now husband for 9 years and then after two years of some heavy duty counseling - including the realization of my N-background (which happened about 8 months before I went off of birth control).
Since I have been working through my healing, I have begun to look at children differently. I can find joy in their laughter instead of irritation with their loud noises, and so forth. I never in a million years thought that would happen. I don't think I will ever want to be a preschool teacher or want to babysit all the neighbors kids, but I've come a long way, baby. I am looking forward to changing the cycle of narcissism in my own family. I feel good that I made this decision with a clear head - that I am having a child because I truly want to and I am capable of loving the child the way they need to be loved.
You probably have seen in other threads I've posted the negative response I have gotten from my Nmother since I told her I was pregnant.
Pat, I agree - the N in my life has not "mellowed" with age.. on the contrary - she is just as venomous at 75 as she was at 45. I really like the last advice given by bunny: block further conversation and leave as fast as you can.
I don't want to turn this into an abortion discussion because it is so controversial and people are bound to get upset. But I agree that people that are not ready emotionally to have children probably shouldn't have them, because the effects on the child will be just as devastating as a serious physical defect (just look at all of us here, ha ha!). I know if I had had a child at age nineteen when I was involved in a serious relationship, I would not be the same mother I am prepared to be now at age 36.
I am wondering if any of you females out their had these feelings about children before you had your own (it is hard to admit out loud).
Portia:
Post 15
CC:
sorry Portia, I just typed a long response to your post and the whole thing somehow got erased!!! I will address this again later when i have more time..
CC
Discounted Girl:
These N's live out "bad habits," plain and simple -- they are in the habit of being nasty and mean, self-centered and self-serving, they have no conscience, no empathy, and I wonder if they have a soul. If you could see past their fake eyeballs, it might be empty in there. My NQueenmother "says" she breast-fed me (the thought sickens me) -- she has told me about 7 million times that she did not touch me for 6 days she was so sick -- about how the nurses would bring me to her room and she would send us away. Too bad one of those nurses didn't take me home with her. I have had 2 children and the first thought after birth is to touch and bond with your child. You don't have to be human to feel that, you don't even have to be a mammal, you just have to be normal and not unnatural. I believe evil is to live in reverse -- it's unnatural and downright spooky the way these N's live. To mistreat your own child has got to be right up there at the top of the big NO NO's. Children don't ruin your life, children play the biggest part in completing your life -- that's how I feel. I have tried many times to regress my memories to infancy and toddler times. I can't, but I wonder what kind of treatment I received. I have often wondered what she did or said to me when my father was not at home. He is not without responsibility however, he should have removed me from such abuse. She is one sick puppy, always putting on fake airs and pretending to be concerned for others, telling lies and spreading rumors, arranging smear campaigns -- ah, the list goes on. The only people she gets along with are those who haven't caught on yet, or who don't care or who are also big phonies. It's amazing to watch -- they are being fake with each other and they each know the other is fake and they keep on !!!!! It makes me want to pull out my hair (or their's) :lol: . I don't remember my mother ever holding me, rocking me, telling me a story, reading me a story, helping me with my homework, teaching me a game, talking to me about boys or sex or my body, teaching me about skin care or my hair or how to dress, taking me to a movie, talking to me about my future or college or a career -- SHE IS WORTHLESS AND A BIG ZERO !!! Wait, she is a big NEGATIVE !! People who have never been hurt by an Nmother will not understand these words. I say shame, shame, shame. You made a big booboo. Please save any replies suggesting forgiveness, that's not my job.
Portia:
Post 16
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