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N's beat their children into emotional submission?
Anastasia:
Ever wonder why these Nwomen have kids at all especially since they didn't want them? I was born waaaay before the pill and illegal abortion was the only option, so, I guess, my mother just felt stuck. And she reminded me of this all the time, too.
Someone made a comment that their Nmother had children to satisfy her need for attention and slavery towards herself, so guess that is another answer for having children also.
I am radically pro-abortion now because of my Nmother: if a woman does not feel capable or does not want children, she shouldn't have any. That comes from the way my Nmother always threw it in my face how she got "stuck" with me. And she raised me in the same manner: resentful of "having" to raise me.
As for me, I have done the 180 degree on that one: I have been a totally adoring parent because I so wanted my son. It's a miracle he isn't more spoiled today...haha! And he and I, as I have stated before, are close and have a healthy relationship according to all who know us. I just would not repeat the cycle my Nmother laid on me. But I had him at 33, so I had already worked thru alot of my feelings about my Nmother by then. Probably helped the situation.
Guest:
--- Quote from: Anastasia ---Ever wonder why these Nwomen have kids at all especially since they didn't want them?
I am radically pro-abortion now because of my Nmother: if a woman does not feel capable or does not want children, she shouldn't have any.
--- End quote ---
I couldn't agree with you more.
--- Quote --- That comes from the way my Nmother always threw it in my face how she got "stuck" with me. And she raised me in the same manner: resentful of "having" to raise me.
--- End quote ---
Ditto. Consequently, we never bonded the way a mother/child should, I've always felt like a burden or nuisance wherever I go, my self-esteem is virtually non-existent.
I'm very glad to hear that you have turned things around, though. Excellent.
Pat:
This is a very interesting thread and has provoked some memories for me. My mother is 87 and as lethal as she was 10, 20 and 30 years ago. So much for mellowing with age. When I was growing up (I lived with my parents until 18 when I went away to school) everyone who lived around us (rural area) had something WRONG with them. They were either lazy, sloppy, the wrong ethnic group, irresponsible, too religious or too poor or too rich - I don't remember anyone who was acceptable - except the parent who was doing the berating of the neighbours, relatives or otherwise. Now, that did not mean that they weren't pleasant and graciouis and all the other facades - but as soon as the other person/s left, look out. There was such contempt! It took me a long time to understand that most people were interesting, kind, intelligent, funny, etc. and that it could be so nurturing and pleasing to be in relationship with all kinds of people!
Over the holidays I had several phone conversations with my mother - relatives (including her children) were selfish, greedy, drank too much, laughed too much, stayed too long, didn't stay long enough, etc. etc, etc. I find it exhausting to listen to and I feel sad that she is so closed off from feelings other than contempt and rage. I also know that as soon as we're off the phone she's exercising the same behavior toward me.
Many times I have felt that frustration of believing I have "no backbone" - in fact I was recently trying to explain this to a friend of mine who thinks I'm the epitome of the assertive woman - I feel so far from that when faced with an N who wants something from me - it's a challenge to walk away from someone who is droning on about their many accomplishments and conquests, raging about some unfair circumstance, putting down people I care about or other N tirades......walking away, tellling someone to stop a conversation that is offensive - takes so much energy and resolve and I generally feel like a bad person as a result. I'd like to say it gets way easier to set limits and maintain boundaries but it doesn't seem to - maybe early programming is just that powerful.
All the best and "thanks for the memories" ha ha
Pat
Anastasia:
Pat, were you at Xmas with me at my Mothers...exact same person! Whew.....
Anonymous:
it's a challenge to walk away from someone who is droning on about their many accomplishments and conquests, raging about some unfair circumstance, putting down people I care about or other N tirades......walking away, tellling someone to stop a conversation that is offensive - takes so much energy and resolve and I generally feel like a bad person as a result.
When an N is ranting/complaining, the optimal strategy is to agree with them, block further conversation, AND LEAVE AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Trying to "educate" them about the negativity of their conversation is futile. Don't even bother. Your biggest challenge is to stop listening to the "I'm a bad person" tape. Tell yourself that you are an adult with a perfect right to choose your associates, and block people you don't like. That's an adult prerogative.
bunny
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