Portia, contrary to what you say about this being an appropriate place to discuss it - I think sexuality is definitely a pertinent topic amongst us who were voiceless... and raised by narcissists. I am not so comfortable with private messages much here so I'm going to dive in here on the board.
I won't be too graphic, but my mother had sexual hangups and issues since I can remember. As a child I took baths every other night, and even at age 6 and 7 I can remember that she would come in just before I was done and use a washcloth to "clean my private parts". Even after she stopped doing it, she would ask me if I had done it myself - up until I was about 10. Along the same lines, when she would take me clothes shopping - she would check my jeans in the crotch with her hand to make sure they weren't "binding" between my legs. I found this to be totally humiliating but never fussed because she was paying for the clothes. It finally stopped when I was about 12, and only after a few times when I would slap her hand away when she would try.
I was not allowed to play with barbies because they were anatomically correct and were "sexually suggestive". To this day, she still thinks that. She embarassed my brother and I and four of his children, just at Christmas, when I gave my 11 year old neice a new "Bratz" doll to add to her collection.. and my mother gasped, saying, "does that doll have BREASTS??" We laughed nervously, and I said, "yes, mother, all women have them"...
All throughout my childhood, sex was NEVER discussed, and my parents never showed any affection toward each other in 32 years of marriage (at least, never in front of all three of us kids). My mother infantalized me and would never allow me to wear any clothing that was in the slightest bit trendy, even if all of my clean-cut friends were wearing them (i.e., clogs, t-shirts with a v-neck, or anything drawstring). I would sneak clothes out in a separate bag sometimes and change at a friend's house before school. She was uptight, inflexible and self righteous.
In spite of all these hangups, I found out late in my adult life that she was not faithful to my father. And I found out in a most embarrassing way - my husband was doing some electrical work for a man that used to be a friend of my family when I was very young... he was BRAGGING about how my mother came onto him and how she really liked to "----".. My husband was appalled, both at the man who was bragging about it and the thought of my "holier than thou" mother's behavior. Sometimes I wish he hadn't told me. The story was confirmed by my older sister, who apparently caught them in an embrace when she was a teenager.
My mother also TOLD me last year about how she tried to seduce a married gay man that she knew (this happened while my father was still alive!) because she couldn't believe he would turn her down. After my dad died, she went through a period o f promiscuity that she said was only a result of her "falling of the wagon" briefly (she is also a recovering alchoholic).
Anyway, I am certain all the rigidity with regard to sex backfired, because when I discovered it.. I thought it was a substitute for real love and intimacy. When I was in college, I would "give it up" in high hopes that the guy would really love me and stay in a relationship - because for a few hours, I would feel loved and cherished. That period of my life, looking back, caused me great shame for a long time.
I am a passionate person, but now as a mature and counseled adult I find myself more conservative with regard to views about sex than I was in college. In general, I am rather distrustful of many men's intentions after having been taken advantage of several times. This is probably the way I should have been in college - but no one taught me how or why!!!
Anyway Portia, it sounds like your liberal mom might have had the opposite affect on you. I am interested to know how if you can expound on that without too much graphic detail.
Your mom sounds so much like mine with regard to the "glaring" at other peoples children in public, and yes, she will chastise nieces and nephews for behavior if their own parents don't speak up when she thinks they should. Where do they get off?? Just who do they think they are? My mother has no tolerance of "normal" child or teenage behavior either - The nieces and nephews are quiet when they see her... but they only see her once or twice a year and then she is uptight around them! she is convinced that they are disrespectful of her and that they don't like her because they take after the "in-law" side of relatives... I have told her many times that she is projecting.. that if she would relax around them that they would too.
Anyway sorry for the long post, gotta run now.
