Mucky mire of the past, slippery slope of the future

[Sallying Forth]

Great start to a song or poem! But alas it is the title of this thread ... Just some thoughts and journaling about my life.

One foot in the past, straddling the present and the other foot in the future on a banana peel.

That describes how I feel right now. I feel stuck but I am not stuck. It feels that way because I keep going round and round on reconciling my past. But I am also going round and round on reconciling my future. UGH! I wish, I wish, I wish - isn’t going to happen. I need to make concrete decisions about my future.

However I am not really living in the present. This is where I am feeling very frustrated and unfulfilled and f###ed up. I really don’t know how to describe what I am going through right now in my life.

I guess limbo is the word - one foot in the past standing in some muck and mire, straddling the present, and the other foot in the future on a banana peel. I am doing the splits and it’s getting to be very painful.  It's comical but it's not.

What a description! But I think it perfectly describes where I am in my healing right now.

In the mucky mire of the past and on the slippery slopes of the future. My feet are NOT planted in the present. I try to plant them but something stops me. Perhaps my unfinished grief over the past.

My nefarious past with DL is still unresolved. I can’t seem to let go of the fantasy that I thought he was for me - a rescuer, a savior, a friend, a giver of unconditional love?

DL is both a person and a construct. The construct he represents is what I did not receive as a child. I never had unconditional love. No one ever heard me. No one ever saw me. No one ever paid attention to me and got to know me. No one touched my soul. No one touched my heart.

DL could have been that person who loved and saw me for who I was but he wasn’t.

No human being ever touched my soul and my heart.

Behr, my dog, did, and that is why I miss him so much. His unconditional love permeated all the dark, dank places within my tortured soul. He loved me. He showed me what it meant to be human. Taught me how to be a better human. I will never forget his love. And I miss him so terribly much. I don’t believe I will ever get over that. Behr was very, very, very special to me. I trained him and he trained me.

I have never been known by another human being and I think that is what is most, most painful. To be known and loved unconditionally for who you are by another human being.

[mum]

Sallying: anyone who can express themselves so brilliantly, will not go unappreicated in this world. Keep the faith.
 Noticing where you are, whether it's where you want to be or not, is what it is all about.  And finding a way to breath during the discomfort of this time and space or letting yourself BE in that limbo without HAVING to move forward or back....that IS the way to find peace. ( I am dead certain of this...and when I figure out exactly how to do it, I will let you know )
We are never where we want to be, and always where we are...so the trick is finding a way to WANT to be where ever we find ourselves...
If I could write with your style, "limbo" would make for an interesting book (little one, maybe?).
And I completely understand about your dog. It's no wonder he was sent to you and no wonder you miss him.

[Sallying Forth]

This is by far the strangest dream to date!

I dreamt that my mother told me to take a trailer down to a lake. I had to take the trailer down this winding road by riding on it. There was this strange brake system which I had to use my hands to operate. So I was lying face down on this trailer riding it precariously on a very narrow, two-lane, winding road.

My mother said she would meet me at the bottom near the lake. She didn't tell me how far that was and didn't tell me where the lake was. When I got to that place she had a van there and I hooked up the trailer to it. Then she took this obscure, hidden road which I never would have noticed. I asked her how she could remember the turn off since she hadn't been to the lake since she was a child. She said, "there are some things you remember." We drove down an extremely narrow, one-lane, winding road with the lake to our right. When we got to the end there were so many people I couldn't believe my eyes. They were singing praises to the Lord. Some were in the lake swimming and singing. Some were on land singing. Some were dancing and singing. There were people I knew there too and I tried to figure how they knew how to get there.

I woke up wondering why my mother hadn't just hooked the trailer to the van so I could ride in the van down that winding, narrow, two-lane road.

And what was on the radio this morning when I woke up? The songs: "The One Thing" and "Come to Jesus." And what is on the radio right now? "Letting Go of the Past," a sermon on Insight for Living

Hmmm, I do think someone is trying to tell me something.     

I think my mother in my dream is the wisdom-filled, mother part of me who is showing me the way Home. The Way Home IS an obscure, extremely narrow, one-line, winding road.


And I had this dream after writing about the Mucky mire of the past, the slippery slope of the future.

One I first woke up these are the words I heard:
"You really love me like You say You do
"Hold me, Hold me
"So Hold me"

and they gave me the answer to my question inside - but who will hold me?

To say I am blown away by this timely message from God would be an under statement!!!

And this is the first time in many years which I have heard from the wise woman inside me. She has been silent for a long time - 10 plus years.

[bliz]

Your dream reminds me of my bridge dreams.  They are traveling dreams.  We are traveling to a new life, a new dimension.  There is change.  We need that change.  We are not sure of the path.  It is obscured or seems like the wrong way.   The awake answer, in my opinon, is we are trying to break away from the past, as you discussed, but it is a scary place and we do not know what the future will bring.  But we keep on, knowing we can not go back and knowing who has betrayed us in the past or led us off course.  I interpret it as a positive dream of change.