Welcome to our club, dstessence! You are in the right place. Your H sounds like he is an N to the T- no doubt in my mind. There is usually some kind of abuse, neglect/abandonment issues in an Ns past- but they have no conscience and are not capable of learning ethics, love etc. My experience and opinion. Working in psych for 20 yrs, every- not a generalization- pretty much written in stone in my experience- N will use therapy/counselling/charges etc as more acting classes to mimic remorse etc and then will- again written in stone, con you into accepting the abuse and pretext of " change". The old "honeymoon" deal/or abuse( if you no longer have what they need at the moment, or is apparent you're done with their bullshit or finally have support who trust you and and assist you with cutting them off completely)- Ns thrive on abusing you just as much as conning you back into dysfunctional mode of rationalizing their abuse and believing YOU are responsible for it. Cutting them off completely is the only way to guarantee they'll get bored and move on to next victim. Easier said than done, I know; esp, as usually by the time you're at your breaking point or your lowest low, if you're still with them- you become terrified of prospect of losing them/being alone. We have become addicted to their abuse- is often familiar to us based on childhood or prior abuse. The old, we all do what we know, regardless of feedback and support from healthy others and our own inner voice, that we tend to be so good at stifling. Chaos and pain and self abuse by enduring N torture are old friends. We also have so much low self esteem that we don't believe we are worthy of the best. We often have no clue even what that looks like. I finally have gotten rid of- for good- my exN. After kicking him out in June, I re engaged in dysfunctional contact hoping that we could have some kind of civil pretext of friendship- only to continue allowing him- 'actually, being really honest, I allowed myself to be abused"- to destroy what little remained of myself. I started getting feedback from several young vulnerable women in NA mtgs. who told me of all manner of predatory cold calculating behaviour all designed to get what he wants- sex--. I gave him the feedback that he might want to examine his behavoiur as women were now talking about it and it's not secret anymore. One thing about addicts is that they're extremely good at spotting bullshit and twisted behaviour. Big mistake on my part- showing him I still had some kind of misplaced trust and empathy for him- and it opened the door for some major abuse. He announced in my home group of NA last week" that he couldn't attend this mtg. anymore because it had come his attention that SOMEONE is spreading malicious lies slandering his good name. Everyone who knows me knows this is completely unfounded. "THIS PERSON is telling EVERYBODY that I've been sexually inappropriate with 4 women. I have spoken with a lawyer and he's advised me I have a solid case, so I'm launching a lawsuit against this person". I was not surprised and in fact llaughed to myself when he trotted this out! Several months ago I would be entertaining homicidal fantasies and be up all night pacing the flloor. Total waste of energy on my part, and only torturing myself and hanging on to and nurturing toxicity. Suddenly had an epiphany that he is striking back at me, punishing me for " once again accusing him of things he's not doing and I'm the liar"- and for the first time I feel sorry for him. He is completely incapable of change and is using this program as source of new N supply and a whole new audience to con so he can bleed them dry. Feels good to have this shift in my " anger management problems"- hee hee!! He is permafucked- pardon my French!- and will remain a predator and loser the rest of his life( is 52). I'm sure however that he will for some short period of time, continue to harass me. I have no positive feelings towards him other that pity, and have finally realized this was never " love"- rather my co dependent " being in love with the idea of love". Old familiar pattern of mine. Have healthy friends in my life and see a marvelous shrink who treat personality disorders as well as specializing in bipolar- finally learning skills to change and understand my self destructive choices. Keep posting. You are not losing your mind- althugh his behavoiur is designed to make you believe that and, often, very convincingly- to have others totally buy into his bullshit. Ns specialize in crazy making attacks and are consumate liars in everything they say. Hang in! I fouond it helpful to post a list of some of the more painful and heinous examples of his behaviur towards me on my phone, door and computer. Then I read it and am reminded of the cold harsh facts- helpful in preventing me responding. Moira PS- I apologize for my usual Faulknerian grammer!!
