doctor doom

[Bloopsy]

Hi marta thanks that's how I feel too --- I feel like all those people were just not helping me! i remember feeling at the time " ifeel like I am bouncing around getting abused!!" i blamed it on my inner parent, who is also very abusive. My therapist told me " no one is abusing you now" and i just remember feeling like oh that is not how I feel! Anyway,  i think that her saying that was really icky because how did she know!!!!!!!!!  She was too busy  sharing her own story with me to know mine!! whatev. Thanks marta!!! I hope you are doing good. Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself--- I feel like I am very focused on Dr Scott losing his job and stuff--- which is not helping me at this pointr to realize that even so I need to have breakfast!

[Marta]

Bloopsy,

Don't blame yourself about mom. The only way you can have a good relationship with her is if you don't love yourself at all, and that is a pretty rough deal. I can see that you  love your mom and badly want to be loved by her. Sometimes trying too hard does not help; you just have to let things go. The other day I read a lovely slogan outside a church: If you always do what you've always done, you'll get what you already have. Remember that what you have is not good enough, so you need to do it different, even if it makes your mom unhappy. You are doing great in collecting your bank statements for food stamps and cleaning up your room to make it a nice place to live, so don't lose sight of your one year plan/

Moira:
She used to tell me I was stupid, handicapped, would never be able to finish school( high school), get a job or have any kind of a life. She said I would have to live at home the rest of my life with my parents and some kind of trust fund would have to be set up when they died.

Moira, that is terrible. My mom did the same to me, like I'd have to live off some trust or something. I am really glad that you got out of abusive situation with mom and Ex.

Cat, your story about reporting your chiropractor is great!!!!!!! Davidp, take heed, reporting does work!

 
 

[Bloopsy]

Well they just gave me the third degre at the emergency room, at which point I stormed out. I will not ahve somene touching me after giving me the third degree, whatev

[Moira]

Hi Bloopsy! How are you? Thanks for your comments about your OCD!! Thanks Marta also for your encouragement. Bloopsy- are you comfortable to share what happened in the emergency room? Do you have only emerg. nurses,or do you have a sexual assault team( usually nurses who do exam and all, hook you up with resources etc)? I sincerely hope you are thinking about/working on getting a new therapist. Having worked 20 yrs. in psych. I can assure you unfortunately there are inappropriate therapists out there- your sound like a borderilne personality disorder. no boundaries and very damaging. I'm big on accountability and I personally would call whoever her governing body is for therapists and lodge a complant. Your right to do so. I would bet this woman is known in your city/community etc and has a reputation. Psych workers and therapists are an incestuous bunch( we tend to know reps and if not, there is always someone who is in the know!). Do you have a women's centre or a crisis line where you live or could access one? My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep sharing and talking to AA group- if you still feel comfortable. Take care of yourself. Hugs Moira

[Bloopsy]

hugs ((marta)))))) and (((((moira))))))

[Plucky]

after I told my mother i could tell she tried really hard to seem outraged and whatever but she couldn't and that was hard for me I guess things have just always been too much for her

Bloopsy, a good mother would care if her daughter told her something like this.  She would set aside her issues, whatever they were, and tend to her loved one.   The fact that instead you are worried about giving her support in her relationship with her boyfriend, shows that this is anot a relationship where your needs are seen or given any importance.   You are not supposed to be taking care of her all the time.  That was her role and she put you in that role instead.  This was wrong.   And it continues.   She is not going to stop.  She is not going to look after you.   She is going to bleed you dry.  You will have to get away from her and she will survive just fine without you.  She can even get little kids to meet her needs - she is not going to go wanting.

I think in reality she is and abused woman and probably has to be in quite a big lot of denial herself/ because he wwould alwayx say really mnean things to her and I would be like mommy doesn't that hurt your feelings and she would be like :" oh no I have such a thick skin" well she has needed it..

Your mother is a grown woman.  You did not give birth to her or raise her - she was an adult when you met her.  She should be able to take care of herself, and she should have been able to take care of children (you).  She did not.  She can get out of that relationship, yes you have a million reasons why she can't but she actually can.  She is choosing to stay there.  But you...you can go.

I have been not so nice to her what with my therapist telling me that she wanted me dead and maybe she did but at the same time i hate it when i am anything but nice to my mom even though she has hurt me she is a wonderful person

Maybe it would help to make a list of all her wonderful traits, and things she has done, and all the awful ones.  I have a hard time seeing how wonderful she is.   Did she tell you that she was wonderful?

I wish that my therapist had jsut shut her big fat flaming n mouth and shut her face and just left me well enough alone because I know my mom couldn't handle me and that is that but at least she was not maliciously cruel and sadistic like my therapist

'Well enough' seemed to have some problems, I think.  When you look back, do you see that you were happy?  Or that you were sweeping things under the rug?   
Your mother might not have slid bamboo up your fingernails, but she made you into a person designed only to meet her own needs, and not your own.  That is abuse.

I hope I am not being too blunt, Bloopsy.  You just seem like such a nice, warm, caring person who has not received the love she deserves.  You have not been taught to take your own needs into account.   You have been molded into someone who cannot even mouth her own basic feelings without feeling guilty and immediately punishing yourself for not being giving enough to your mother.   She has had your whole life so far.  Isn't that enough?  It just makes me so angry!

Plucky

[Bloopsy]

thank you Plucky. What you wrote made me understand what happened with my mother and why it was so horrible and not okay. I think that that was really how it was. I know that my mom will be okay---- she will be okay. She is not all bad, but she does not get to do that--- the thing is that it is so insidious and undercover that it has been hard for me to describe and I wiffle waffle about it, but I think I really understand now.

[Bloopsy]

Sometimes I would be lying in my bed unable to think anything but " I have no soul" which they had stolen from me with their lies and needs and she would come in and complain to me about her job. It is not my fault that I thought that I had no soul and that made me feel awful and terrible.whatev to that. When i was a little girl I was not in a position to fulfill my moms needs but that was the position that she put me in. When i would stand up for myself she would get angry and withhold her "love". I drew a picture that illustrated this type of abuse it is called "Problem Child" (What is Wrong With Me)and it is of a little girl  standing there with her heart and private parts bleeding with two grey/black figures standing over her attatched to her by the greyness.

[Bloopsy]

I confronted My "soul healer" (some guy that my therapist had refered me to because I  couldn't move anymore after seeing her for so long, about the boundary violations that he did to me, and he got very defensive. For the first time in our stupid relationship he enforced the boundary that the could not speak to me over the phone outside our sessions. I think that he is also a horrible manipulative icky creep. ick. I feel that I am all alone and going crazy or something. I am not going to take it out on myself but instead I just lay there in my bed all day long and felt hopeless. I do not blame myself. When I think that it is too much to believe I look at slavery and all the other horrible things that people do to others --- there is a lot of evil in people and the fact that these people had it in them to abuse their power over me and use it for their own needs and accept money is not suprising if you look at history.   
Those people hurt me very badly. I feel like the sexual abuse on the part of my chiropractor is hurting me less than that other abuse, even though I know deep down that my therapist hurt me very bad and was really a man posing as a woman to get closer to vulnerable women, even thought that sounds like i am making it up I am not.


XXXXXXXXXXXX

[Bloopsy]

I know that what happened to me was nowhere near on the level of slavery, it is just that when i start thinking " well they wouldn't do that, no one can be that evil and cruel", I think to myself that of course they can, look at all the people  enslaved by power hungry madmen and had their whole lives stolen from them, it is horrible about what those people did but it is not suprising to me when I think of that, and helps me to come out of denial too. I hope that that doesn't sound too horrible.

[Plucky]

Hi Bloopsy,
don't feel guilty about comparing your lot to that of slaves.  Slaves are under the control of cruel, selfish, greedy people who don't care about their needs or wellbeing.  Slaves are thought by their torturers to be inferior and made to meet impossible demands.  Slaves are told that they can never escape and would never amount to anything even if they could.  Does that sound familiar?
Plucky

[Bloopsy]

yes.

[Bloopsy]

I know that it may seem like there is a lot stuff going on---- I am sorry if it is overwhelming. I have ben feeling like the past years I have been running around being abused and blamed it on myself and thought that that was the way that it had to be, Now that I am realizing that the way that those people treated me was\n't right, I have a lot on mychest and am sorry if it is overwhelming, Also, I have multiple inner children, 3,7,10, and 13, and this also makes things seem like a lot since they have all of their own perspectives and feelings stored up in them as well.  I do not write anything here but the truth and am sorry if maybe it seems likr too much.

[Plucky]

It's not too much.  It's you, and you are ok.  It's the truth, and the truth is never bad.  Just go ahead and get it out.  We are listening.
Plucky

[Bloopsy]

Thank you Plucky. I guess that i was feeling a little weird and icky about my posts!!!!!!!!!!!