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Forgiveness, Take Two

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seeker:
Hi everyone,

I checked the site (forgiveness.org) that I recommended on the other forum, but it's under construction right now.  So I thought I would try to summarize the basic points since the holidays are here!  :)

Myths About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about glossing over wrongs.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu: "Forgiveness is taking seriously the awfulness of what has happened when you are treated unfairly.  Forgiveness is not pretending that things are other than the way they are."
Forgiveness is not amnesia.
"Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.  It is about healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it." Dr. Ken Hart.  The offense is still part of your history, but it does not have to dominate your life.
Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, or excusing: forgiveness does not remove consequences.
Pope John Paul II forgave his intended assassin in a face-to-face encounter.  The individual remains in prison where he can do no further harm.
Forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation; forgiveness is not the same as trusting.
The injured party can forgive an offender even though the offender may never (or for safety sake, must never) be a part of his or her life in the future.
"Forgiveness is not a magic trick that allows us to control other people"
--Robert D. Enright
Even if you change, the other person may not. Each person has free will.

Truths About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is empathy.
"I think it means...putting yourself in the position of the other person, and wiping away any sort of resentment and antagonism you feel toward them." Jimmy Carter
Forgiveness is essential to recovery.
"When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive." Alan Paton, author of Cry, the Beloved Country
"Forgiving is an act of mercy toward an offender.  We are no longer controlled by angry feelings toward this person."--Robert D. Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice
Forgiveness is a journey to freedom.
"Forgiveness works directly on the emotion of anger (and related constructs such as resentment, hostility, or hatred) by diminishing its intensity or level within the mind and heart."  --Richard Fitzgibbons

I hope this helps as we all navigate through new dynamics during the holidays.  Thoughts?  Take care, S.

CC:
Hi Seeker,

Did not want your thread to go unnoticed.  Thank you for taking the time to copy these words.  They are especially appropriate for my own life right now.

Happy Holidays, CC

Gingerpeach:
This is a quote about "Forgiveness" from Diane Wilson's pages, I don't have the website handy, I think it is an abuse survivors website.  Anyway, this really resonated with me.  I left my N husband in March and the recovery is slow, but I am finally getting back in touch with the "me" that he tried his best to destroy. I have been lurking around this website for a year and this is my first post.  I will eventually tell you all my story......

So, here's the quote  "For me, forgiveness was something that happened fairly late in recovery. Here are a few thoughts..." Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself. More than anything else, it is letting go of any expectation that the other person will change. It is letting go of any expectation of apology, or of recognition and acknowledgement of wrong-doing. It is acknowledging to yourself that the other person acted in the only way that this person could act.

Forgiveness does not mean turning the other cheek. If a person who has wronged you in the past has the capability to hurt you again, you have every right to protect yourself. Forgiveness does not require that you extend trust. This kind of forgiveness is not dependent on the other person changing, so the only safe assumption for you is that this person has not changed.

In so many cases, the underlying issue is a broken promise of one sort or another. In my case, my childhood was taken away from me by abusive and controlling parents, and by an emotionally empty father. I have forgiven them for being who they were, but this does not in any way begin to fulfill the needs I had as a child, and that I still need. Forgiving my parents, and letting go of any expectation that they ever could have been adequate parents, means that I have to take ownership of those unfulfilled needs. Now that I know those needs will never be met by my parents, I am free to fill those needs for myself. In the end, forgiveness is freedom. It is a gift to yourself. It is release.

Argusina:
I think one aspect of forgiveness can be expressed through this very telling anecdote:

Nobel prize winner and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel was telling his rabbi about all the torture and horrors he would put the Nazis through as revenge. The rabbi remained silent for quite a while and then looked straight into young Elie's eyes and said:

"I see. You have become one of them".

Argusina:
That sentence changed Elie's life.

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