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Forgiveness, Take Two

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seeker:
Greetings CC, Gingerpeach and Argusina,

This is a long overdue acknowledgement to everyone's thoughtful replies.  I still feel some guilt over my new position with regards to some of the toxic situations in my life, so reading the forgiveness posts really helps me esp. during the holidays when everything is supposed to revert to the picture book version of family.  You know, all the "shoulds" and "supposed to be's".  

Argusina, thank you very much for the anecdote about Elie Wiesel.  The concept of retaliation is something that bothers me a lot and this story will help me.  I know many people who must retaliate when they have been wronged and I try not to because I know that will make me just like them.  But I sometimes feel incredibly weak and wimpy when in reality it is very difficult to restrain oneself!  I also need to remind myself that my position is not to punish anyone else but to protect myself and my family.  

You all may be interested in Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.  He was a holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist.  His insights are wonderful and his writing is very accessible.  Get it as a present to yourself!   :)

Peace to you for the holidays!  Seeker.

seeker:
Hi all.

This is for Survivor and everyone struggling to let go of anger.  

Survivor, I don't want you to think that I think you shouldn't be angry. Anger is really important!  Someone in this thread pointed out that forgiveness comes late in the process of recovery. No one can wave a magic wand to take the pain away.  But you'll get to a better place since you are working through these things and asking about them.  

Peace, Seeker

Survivor:
I really appreciate the threads on forgiveness.  I have struggled for years trying to forgive my N mother.  I know forgiveness is a CHOICE and I do choose to forgive her.  I have prayed through the years to forgive her.  When she pulls another "stunt" I have "feelings" about it and immediately think I haven't forgiven her.  (I have to remember they are just feelings - my choice to forgive is still there)  It's best I just stay away from her to deflect the chance of getting offended again and again.  (Even when I try not to take offense)  She cooks up such rancid lies about me and says that I say things about people when I haven't.  It just gets my blood boiling again.  :x  I know I need to look at her with empathy and know she is hurting probably much more than I ever have.  :cry:  I had not seen her in about 7 years when my dad became ill.  It was like she had never changed, only gotten worse with time.  Before that, I had not seen her in about 5 years.  I have kept my distance for almost 20 years.  I will keep working on forgiveness and having empathy for her.  How sad her life must be.  At least I am sane and have the tools to move forward.  I also have this forum which is a God send to me!  

I know I also choose to forgive my sister and my dad . . . I guess I'm just having the "feelings" that go along with them not standing up for me.  I know their lives were hell on earth too.  They did play different roles than I did.  I just need to have the feelings and then let them go.  I need to grieve.

Thanks again . . .

Survivor

phoenix:
bye

rosencrantz:
That's great phoenix - it seems that once we understand the concept of true narcissism, we have to re-evaluate every value we ever had.  Nothing is ever quite so simple again.

Survivor, I just want to say that indifference is better!  Perhaps forgiveness is relevant to the way your sister and dad acted. And once you have acknowledged that you want to forgive your mother, then the next step is indifference so she doesn't get a chance to keep doing things that you have to forgive all over again.
R

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