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Forgiveness, Take Two

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Anonymous:
Rosencrantz,

Thanks for the "indifference" info . . .


--- Quote ---Survivor, I just want to say that indifference is better! Perhaps forgiveness is relevant to the way your sister and dad acted. And once you have acknowledged that you want to forgive your mother, then the next step is indifference so she doesn't get a chance to keep doing things that you have to forgive all over again.

--- End quote ---


I think I already feel indifferent towards her.  Actually, I feel NOTHING at all for her (would you say that is close or the same as indifferent?).  I don't feel love or hate or anything . . . it's like I've been down that road with her so many times, I know she is not worth it, so I feel nothing at all for her.  I have learned (from endless times of having my boundaries crossed) to keep my distance from her or I WILL feel the brunt of her madness.  I have a BIG, HUGE boundary with her that I have had in place for almost 20 years.  Having to go through my dad's illness and then the funeral for him was hard.  It was impossible to not be around her, even though I stayed physically away from her as much as possible.  She was chasing after me at every opportunity and I had to completely not even look at her (which made her incensed!)  

I am still feeling angry at my dad for never protecting us and never standing up for me.  I know it's a process and I'll be glad when I'm not angry at him anymore.  I actually had a dream the other night I was sorting laundry and I put my dad in a washing machine with the laundry  :?: and stuck a gun to the side of the washer and pulled the trigger . . .  :shock:   I looked up the dream on www.dreammood.com and doing laundry means cleaning up your act, sorting laundry means you're trying to understand your feelings and you're trying to sort your attitude.  The gun symbolizes aggression and anger and if you are shooting someone with a gun it symbolizes aggressive feelings and hidden anger towards that person.  I guess my dream was right on, but it was weird at the time!

Thanks again for your input . . . very much appreciated! :D

Survivor

Survivor:
That was me . . . Survivor . . . forgot to Log on!  :oops:

Anonymous:
This may be of interest to the current thread on forgetting childhood.
the cite is www.forgiving.org  
under "working to forgive" on the left side
and then "myths"  "truths"  etc.  
I haven't read or thought enough of it at this juncture to judge whether it excludes the potential harms we have been discussing.  So, just for the sake of discussion, here it is.

DesolateFox:

--- Quote from: phoenix ---This is part of a dream I found posted on a dream board, words the poster was given in her dream:


--- Quote ---
--- Quote ---"Forgiveness is a must. However, forgiveness is not up to you. It is not your prerogative. Forgiveness which leads back to dominance/submission is not forgiveness. Both dominator and submissive one must be changed, neither maintaining his/her previous stance. It is solely mutual understanding that can achieve this state. It is not yet."
--- End quote ---

--- End quote ---


This is what I feel is required for me to have any kind of relationship with my dad. And reading it, I feel empowered. It addresses the basic problem one encounters when dealing with forgiveness with an N- the power play.
--- End quote ---


Wow.  That's a pretty incredible dream that person had.  Very illuminating.

I won't forgive until my mother stops hurting me!  I have taken steps to detach from her (and my father, for whom right now I am in more of a forgiving or detached state), though I find myself sucked back in too easily.  If it were only a matter of childhood hurts, I'd be over it.  I did all that therapy.  But I made the mistake of thinking I had forgiven her years ago, when all I did was totally let her back in to dominate me.  I was going through a divorce and have a serious chronic illness, and I ended up letting her cry all over my shoulder all the time in the name of Jesus.  I forgot the part where my prayers definitely were answered with "don't give yourself away," and jumped to the letting others suck me dry in the guise of "being there for me."  

Forgiveness is a difficult thing.  Once you really get there, I don't think the person has the power over you anymore, it's just indifference as someone else mentioned.  But sometimes, I find myself thinking I've forgiven, and I let them do worlds of hurt to me.  It's part of being the child of 2 N's, I think.  I am so used to putting others first, that even in my own spiritual development, I am willing to take a back seat when others feel they need something.  Anything.

I have joined Co-Dependents Anon online, because of my relationship with my husband and my own illness keeping me from in person meetings.  I haven't attempted any 12 step work in over 10 years, but I have been feeling like I have totally lost my way, and if I keep thinking things will just change, or my behavior can change him, I'm just going to keep sabotaging myself.  I am hoping that with that and with keeping up here, I can start to get myself to a healthier place and maybe my body will come along with my mind.

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