My Story....

[Healing&Hopeful]

Good Morning

There is something to be said for being annonymous.  Yesterday I told you all (a bunch of strangers) about my Mum, my bio dad and about some of my childhood.  Something I'd never told anyone.  My bio dad is quite clearly not all there, however my Mum is a completely different kettle of fish.

I can pin point the day it started.  I was 7/8 and it was after my half brother was born.  We had these double doors that separated our lounge and our kitchen.  She slapped me hard across the face because I slammed these doors shut.  Food and what I wore was her major control, however the older I got, the worse she got.  I remember being so afraid of her, I don't think I will ever forget the fear and it's one thing I can really relate to why people stay in abusive relationships.  We lived in a village and at secondary school, my friends lived in the next village to ours, about 3 miles away.  I wasn't allowed to see my friends in the evening as they wouldn't take me over, or let friends come over to ours, and I wasn't allowed to catch the bus.

I had to get up at 6 every morning, we all ate breakfast together (Cornflakes every single day!, if I didn't finish my food by the time they had finished my face was pushed in my breakfast), then cleaned up and off to do my paper round, back to get ready for school (I used to be really glad we had a school uniform and hated non school uniform day).  I used to like school as I saw my friends and I was away from her.  Packed lunch every day, cheese and tomato sauce sandwiches/cheese and onion sandwiches/ham and onion sandwiches.  Always the same.  I used to bin my sandwiches because I was so so sick of them.  I loved lunch time though because me and my friend sometimes went into the village, or we went to feed the horses, then it was hometime and I used to wander home slowly.  Get changed into a minature version of Mum, then tea time, Monday was left overs from Sunday dinner, tuesday chops, can't remember wed, thurs fish and chips.  Eat at set times and huge platefuls of food, wasn't allowed to leave any.  Then dry up and in my room to do homework as Mum didn't want to see her ugly bitch of a child and if I resisted, well, grabbed by my hair and pulled was the way to go.  Soon make me move.  My stepdad used to try and stick up for me and when that didn't work, tell me not to resist Mum.  Mum used to call me the rebel child, ugly, hateful.

I had two jobs at 13/14, paper round in the morning and a Saturday job at our local hairdressers.  I remember the hairdresser saying, if Mum thought I was a rebel child, she didn't know what she'd make of her own.  She also gave me a piece of advice to ensure I didn't marry the first person I met.  I think she could see I may use that as escapism.

During that time my escapism was daydreaming.  I did use to sit in my room and wish for my knight in shining armour to come along, though sometimes I had very dark thoughts.  I used to wish that they'd go out and die in a car crash.  How awful is that?  I don't think I really wanted this to happen to them, it was more a case that I could be free.

When I was 17, I moved out of Mum's, into bio dad's, with him and his girlfriend.  Mum, Dad and brother were stood in my room, arms folded, glaring at me saying "we're not going to make this easy for you".  I tried to leave before but Mum was so upset and promised it would change.... I think I managed to get a pair of jeans then.  I had a little more freedom at bio dad's in that I could chose my own clothes and I was working so at least it was closer to work.  Mum wouldn't talk to me, but I ended up writing a letter to her after about 4/5 months.  I can't remember much of the time at bio dad's, but I do remember having more freedom and being able to have friends over.  However this totally changed when his girlfriend left him, which was totally my fault so I had to go.  Plus I didn't make him a good enough tea so I didn't inflate his ego enough, I wasn't going to suck up to him enough so he had to get rid of me.  Mum had said I was never going back once I left so I was out on my ear, sleeping on Mum's floor because they had filled my room up with junk.  My boss at work was my saviour at this time.  She knew of a flat opposite from her, so the Managing Director of the company and her vouched for me so I had somewhere to live.  She was an amazing person as when I moved in, I had nothing.  A little stereo, two pans which Mum gave me, a few clothes, that was it.  A friend decided to buy a new TV for her room and let me have her old black and white one.  I had no washing machine, but my boss that lived opposite let me use hers so I didn't have to walk a mile to the laundrette.  My friends and their parents were so kind to me.  I'm gutted that I've lost touch with my old boss, but two of my friends from school are still really good friends, one was my bridesmaids and the other's daughter was my flower girl.  She would have been my bridesmaid except she was pregnant and didn't feel comfortable with being a bridesmaid.

I did a big thing last night and actually told my husband some of this, about the food, when we ate, what we ate etc and about the name calling.  To this day I can't stand pack lunches and my husband said he can see why, when he plans what we can have for tea, I turn my nose up and want something else.  He asked me why I've never told him any of it before and I said that I didn't want him to think ill of Mum, that it was in the past.

The reason I've told you all this is because here I can relate to so many things.  To the post about feeling ashamed.... I've never told anyone because I was ashamed I didn't come from a normal family, to the post about if they knew what they know now, they'd have been afraid to have children.  I couldn't believe reading that this morning as I said those words last night... the real reason I've always said I don't want children is that I'm afraid I'll treat them like Mum treated me.

One of my friend's says "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger", and I do believe that what you experience shapes you as a person and is the reason why you are who you are today and with who your with.  My husband believes that too and said to me last night that he's so happy with what we've got.

Well done if you're still reading and I apologise for rambling on for so long and boring the pants of you all, but this was something that I needed to do for me.  Actually it's made me smile as I don't think I've ever spoke about myself for so long... Eeeek, NPD????!!!! )  Thanks for listening. xx

[Cadbury]

First of all big hugs to you ((((((((())))))))))... you have been through so much, I really feel for you. It didn't bore the pants off me at all so don't worry on that score! I cannot imagine what you went through as a child, I am glad that you have gotten some of it off your chest, I hope it helps. I know it helps me when I share something on this board that I haven't shared anywhere else.

I think you are doing the right things in trying to come to terms with all this, I am glad your husband is so understanding, that must help. I just hope coming to this board helps you as much as it helps me. Sometimes just having people understand and recognise your feelings can help.

Take care

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Cadbury   ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))

Thank you so much for your kind reply.  I was shaking when I opened your reply and I could happily sit down and have a good cry, however being at work it's not a very practical thing to do.

Mum, Stepdad and brother still live in this little world she created.  Meals at the same time, and they pretty much still eat the same thing, brother is a minature version of dad, however, they do seem happy.  I think at some point my brother (who's 23) will possibly rebel and he knows he is always welcome at our house, anytime.  My stepdad is medically retired so Mum says they have to eat at set times because of his tablets, but it was exactly the same beforehand.  Mum and me get on better now than possibly we ever have done and she couldn't do enough for me for our wedding.  However when they come to stay over at ours, they just bring their routine with them, right down to the cornflakes.

It's funny to hear someone say I've been through so much as I don't really feel that I have.  I suppose it was just the norm to me.... a secret norm though!  It could be because my life is really on a par now though.  I have a truly lovely husband who is such a real gem, a nice house, we live in a lovely village, we have great friends.  My husbands from a large close knit family and we see them often.  I live far enough away from mine that we see them about 4/5 times a year.  Close enough that we can go for the day if we want too, but far enough to make it enough of a journey. xx

[Cadbury]

Hey... don't thank me, anyone would say the same

I know what you mean about not realising you have been through anything, it always sounds bad when you read someone else's personal story. Yet most of us have been through awful things ourselves. I think keeping it secret is what makes it seem that way. You get so used to hiding it that you start to think it really is nothing. I am so glad things are good for you now and you seem to be healing.

((((()))))

[Hopalong]

Your story was an honor to read. Thank you. Made me think how there was a lonely child in England, and on this side of the pond, another. If only all hurt children could feel how much compassion there is for them. Hopefully they'll find their way, one day, to safe places where they can tell their stories (like here). Story is life. I'm so glad you have reached a happy chapter. You sound so kind, in that you've forgiven your Mum and see her with compassion and even some humor now. But I am sure when you were little there was nothing funny about the way treated you.

I sometimes think one thing that characterizes many lonely, hurt chidren when they are adults is that they/we have such an enormous capacity to appreciate loving and nurturing behavior when we do find it. When it's not assumed, it can feel like an amazing discovery, a blessing. We can be so surprised by love in our lives that we magnify it, pass it on.

Thanks again for the telling.
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

I sometimes think one thing that characterizes many lonely, hurt chidren when they are adults is that they/we have such an enormous capacity to appreciate loving and nurturing behavior when we do find it. When it's not assumed, it can feel like an amazing discovery, a blessing. We can be so surprised by love in our lives that we magnify it, pass it on.

Oh Hopalong, I feel this is so true.  From what has happened I don't take my husband for granted in the slightest and fully appreciate my friends.

I don't see the point in blaming Mum.  It stemmed from bio dad anyway.  She had this beautiful new baby and a lovely husband and I was her past, her horrible N-ex husband staring back at her everyday.  While I know her behaviour was inappropriate and I wasn't responsible in any way, I do understand now it wasn't an easy situation and that also I'm far better off out of it.  If I had to chose between being me or my brother, I would pick me straight away.  However, I can't say I have forgiven her either and I do still sometimes feel very angry towards her and towards bio dad.  While I understand the reasons for it, I still don't understand how she could do what she did.  If I look at some of my husband's neices and nephews, or my friends children, I couldn't imagine ever treating them the way she treated me.

For many years I've said I'd like to adopt because I feel there are so many hurt and unwanted, unloved children, that if we could take one in and make their life better.  Treat them how they so deserve to be treated. xx

[Hopalong]

You can adopt ME!  My inner child is still hungry as a Hoover for love.

Thanks, I'll consider myself a happy little child in a village now.
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Consider your inner child adopted Hopalong.  Visualisation is a very powerful aid, so I'd like you to try and visualise this.   I'm hugging her at this moment.  She's a beautiful, bright little girl with such a lovely smile.  We're sitting together under a tree in our local park and she's sitting on my lap with me.  The sun is shining, highlighting her hair and I'm telling her what a lovely girl she is.  I know people have hurt her but I'm telling her that it was not her fault, she deserves to be loved unconditionally and deserves to have people respect her.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Oh, man, y'all made me cry at work.
Good thing my door is shut.

THANK YOU. 

[Healing&Hopeful]

She will always have my love and protection.  She is seeking yours too, so when you're ready and completely in your own time, come and sit with us under our tree, hug us and tell her what a fab little girl she is and how much she's loved too.

[Marta]

Hi NPDdad,

sleeping on Mum's floor because they had filled my room up with junk. 

That is terrible and so cruel. Like showing you your place in the world. It seems that it is not just dad who is an N, but mom has severe problems too.

Something I'd never told anyone. 

This is a BIG step, and a must for letting go of the past. Congratulations on getting that out. Know that you are heard and understood here.

Actually I find it a bit uncomfortable to address you by NPDdad, since it somehow sticks to label of NPD onto you, however indirectly.  You were not rambling, but recounting some very painful memories. I am really glad that you shared with Hugs to you. 

I sometimes think one thing that characterizes many lonely, hurt chidren when they are adults is that they/we have such an enormous capacity to appreciate loving and nurturing behavior when we do find it.

How true! My eyes still well up at the smallest acts of kindness.

Marta

[Hopalong]

I'd been thinking the very same thing as Marta about calling you NPDDad!
(YOU deserve to be adopted...by a happy new name, imho...)
Or maybe you're

Never Pushed Down--Dad1...there, I like that one.
 

[Plucky]

I don't see the point in blaming Mum.  It stemmed from bio dad anyway.  She had this beautiful new baby and a lovely husband and I was her past, her horrible N-ex husband staring back at her everyday.  While I know her behaviour was inappropriate and I wasn't responsible in any way, I do understand now it wasn't an easy situation and that also I'm far better off out of it.  If I had to chose between being me or my brother, I would pick me straight away.  However, I can't say I have forgiven her either and I do still sometimes feel very angry towards her and towards bio dad.  While I understand the reasons for it, I still don't understand how she could do what she did. 

Thank you NPDDAD for telling your story.  Even though anonymous, it's still not easy and it helps us all.  Your experience was horrible.   You have found a way to have a nice life, anyway.  That is a tribute to your resilience and strength.

I have a bone to pick with you however, about blaming her!  If you mean that there is no use in confronting her or trying to get her to apologise, I agree.  But I do think she was at fault.  You were not a 'horrible past' - you were a young child, a beautiful bud of humanity who deserved love and happiness.    She had the responsibility to look after you - not just food, but your emotional health.  To give you love, as it has been scientifically proven babies need in order to thrive.   If your stepdad tried to stand up to her on your behalf, what and who exactly was making it so 'difficult' for her?  Your existence was difficult for her?  That is just plain wrong. 
There are probably more things you will remember as you go along.   I'm glad you have a good husband to tell them to, as well as us.  Welcome to the community.
Plucky 


 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you all for your lovely words and for listening but most of all thank you for not judging. 

I took on board your thoughts about my name so I feel that Healing&Hopeful is quite appropriate…. H&H for short!

Marta…. It’s interesting to see your take on the sleeping on the floor.  A couple of years after I left they knocked my old room and my brother’s into one so he could have a larger room.  The odd times that I have needed to stay, I’ve had to sleep on the floor.  I’ve suggested in the past that I could maybe have my brother’s bed and he sleep on the floor, just once, but this was poo poo’d and why should he give up his bed.  Luckily we’re always welcome at one of my friend’s who lives in the next village to them and she is more than happy for us to stay.  However, when my parent’s and brother stay at ours what do they get, ah yes, my parents get our room with the en-suite, we sleep in our spare room and my brother in the little bedroom.  This is mainly because my dad is medically retired though and has trouble walking so the en-suite is a big help for him, plus he doesn’t have to walk up and down stairs much which is quite painful for him.

Plucky…. I do agree with what you say about blaming her.  I don’t really understand it because as a baby and a small child, she was very loving…. As far as I can remember, non of it started until my brother was born when I was 7.

One thing I would really like to ask you all though is this, do you ever feel that what you remember isn’t real?  That there’s a possibility that you just made it up or something, that it’s just in your head?

LoveNhugs

H&Hxx

[Healing&Hopeful]

Would you like to kind of meet my dad?  This is a website that he posts on.  Because we don't talk anymore, I keep looking at this to see what he's up too.  His username is Supermalc

http://forum.dawncraftowners.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1262