Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Facing the monster
sea storm:
Wow Cadbury, what you are going through is so difficult. It sounds like World War Two.
You have more guts than Dick Tracey. You may feel very attacked but you are soldiering on and protecting your child against the odds. Good for you.
My ex was a powerful psychopath and it was difficult to keep my daughter safe. It took a lot. I could not outsmart him because he has no conscience and that makes him sneaky, quick, lethal, effective and unbeatable. Every once in a while I would throw myself out there and with huge energy and fierceness draw a boundary and act like I would rip his heart out if he crossed it. At peril to my life as he is a criminal. This allowed me to keep custody of our child. I doubt he wanted her but he did not want me to have her.
Looking back on it I wish I had disappeared with her and risked everything. She is so precious. Watching her drive off with a stoned and drunk bastard really drove me wild. I ended up looking like the crazy woman calling his new wife and begging her to care for my daughter and not let him drink and drive. She didn't care a rat's ass. If I hadn't been broken I would have run. I was trying to do the right thing and go to university.
Back to you. You are so awesome. Good for you. I am your cheerleader. You go girl.
Lots of love,
Sea storm
Gaining Strength:
Such great news Cadbury. You never gave up and your experience was confirmed by the psychologists and ultimately the court. That is a major victory. You are indeed very strong. I am so glad for you and your child. He may never know what you have endured to protect and provide for him but he will be better for it. My hat is off to you.
sea storm:
Hi Cadbury
I re read your posts and was glad to see that your sperm donar shot himself in the foot by being his own lawyer. How excellent for you and for the courts to see what he is. Grandiose. All along it seems that authorities are seeing that he is " off" and sensing that your child's best interests aren't served by contact with your ex.
You are arming yourself with a lot of knowledge about who you are up against.
In my last post I said that I wished I had the courage to take my child and run. That was not fair to you. Unless you have million dollars you can't do that. Just surviving financially is very hard these days. I also didn't mention that my daughter turned out well. She is 36 now and can understand some of what happened and she is out of the spiral of madness. She is strong, confident, funny and working as a professional. so she is not broken by having a narcissist as a father. He tried to take her away from me in a custody battle but the court would not let him. He did get custody but he mainly used his new young wife look after my daughter. He did not want the work and care of being a parent. He just wanted revenge.
Looking back I agree totally with the idea of being a zombie non reactor when there is contact with the ex. Also being very vague about meeting, never solidifying times and dates unless he does. Don't do any work for him in this department. Being very, very slow in responding to his lawyers, court or him. But always maintaining the flat affect. You can share with us how you really feel but don't feed the monster what he wants.... your heart, your feelings, your capacity to care. That just gives him a tee hee hee moment.
You came so far so fast in your posts. You are WOMAN and you can roar. Atta girl.
steadfasty cheering for you,
Sea storm
Cadbury:
Wow, thanks so much everyone!
I reread a lot of my posts from when I first started on this board, more than 9 years ago now! It was incredible to see how much I have changed. I started so differently. I still believed he was right about his ex, that he'd had no choice but to abduct his other son...so much brainwashing. It makes me ill to see now. I was so different after my time with him, I barely recognise myself. I genuinely, thoroughly hope that it shows how bad these N's are. He completely changed how I was as a person. He cut me off from myself. I also hope people can see that it is possible to be free. It has not been easy and I am still scared of him and terrified of that sort of take over ever happening to me again. I have had two more abusive relationships, not as N as tithead, but bad nonetheless. I have also had a lot of detailed, specific therapy with a counsellor who specialised in women like me. I also had to painfully examine what it is about my own reactions that made me such perfect supply. It has been painful and long, but I am hopeful now. My Alex is safe, I am safe and they are the main things.
One day at a time! Much love to you all xx
river:
--- Quote from: Healing&Hopeful on October 26, 2005, 10:17:41 AM ---For me this is interesting to read as I'm assuming my Mum went through the same things. She wouldn't have him in the house and refused to talk to him unless she absolutely had to. Dad got access one Saturday a fortnight but he made sure he came every saturday, never on time, and probably because he caused more distress for everyone concerned. He did think he had "rights" to me though, however he didn't want to do anything to back it up, if that makes any sense.
My advice would be to get your boundaries clear in your head. Get the time clear how long you want him to be there, say half an hour to an hour, then arrange something with a friend. Tell him this beforehand so he knows how much time he has, then if he's late it's his problem, whatever blame he tries to put on you. Make your boundaries and keep them.
I wish you all the best hon.... big hugs... H&H xx
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If H+H went thro this, and has survived to tell the tale, and also to be able to think clearly, and give good advice, then it would seem theres hope for your little one. The only thing I'd add is that you'd have an added extra in your job as a mother which would be doing what you can to detox for your little boy, by explaining, or whatever it takes. And BTW, I really get it, I dont think your reaction is in any way exaggerated. I beleive that ultimately children choose health, if health is on offer, and your response sounds like a healthy response. Its just it could be a hard time for you witnessing and trying to deal with what this contact will mean your your and your child's life.
river
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