Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Facing the monster

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Cadbury:
Well... It's been a long time since I updated. More than three years in fact!

I don't know how many of the people who remember me are here. I saw a post from hopalong but I haven't seen anyone else (but I've not done a massive amount of reading). I actually have good news!

After 6 and a half years in court we actually had a proper final hearing (our fourth!). Tithead represented himself and I actually had legal representation. After disputing his previous diagnosis of NPD because (he said) I had swayed the psychologist, he was ordered to be retested by a psychologist that I had never met. He was diagnosed with NPD. He argued with the psychologist ( of course!) and said that he had done some research and felt that the psychologist and not tested him correctly. He wanted the psychologist to use the new diagnostic that had not yet been published. The psychologist shot him down in flames and told him that under the new diagnostic they were moving away from diagnosing one particular personality disorder, and moving towards diagnosing people with a core personality type and elements of others. He said that under the new diagnostic, tithead would have a highly narcissistic core with elements of psychopath... It was a brilliant moment. I had to look down while that came out.

Tithead in court was something to see. He was representing himself, not because he had to, but because he knew he would do a better job than a lawyer. It was beyond terrifying when I had to take the stand and be questioned by him, but I addressed all my answers to the judge. When he questioned e psychologist it was actually awful to watch. It was the first time that I had ever truly realised that he cannot help what he is. He genuinely doesn't know that he is wrong. I didn't soften towards him, but I could clearly see the disorder and that was kind of weird. The psychologist proved him narcissistic in every single sentence he spoke. It was awful, but kind of gratifying.

Long story short, the judge refused all direct contact forever... He is allowed to write letters and that is all. Obviously he tries to push it. He has turned up at my parents house a few times, but that is nothing compared to having to see him. It was an incredibly long and painful battle, but I actually did it. I actually proved how dangerous he is and how damaging it would be for Alex to see him.

Anyway, I'm hoping that if anyone did remember me, that they see that it turned out ok and I am stronger for it.

I do have a phobia of relationships and tithead in particular, but my son is safe. Love to all, this board kept me going through the toughest time of my entire life. X

sea storm:
re: Facing the monster

Good that you have identified him as a monster. He has sure stepped up for the rewards of being a jerk. The slandering was inexcusable but very enlightening. Now you know for sure he is a complete and utter rat or some such ferral beast.
I know there is a LOT of hype about involving the father and not alienating the child against his father and I bought into that myself to the detriment of my child.
Now I would do nothing to facilitate meeting with her dad.  It needs great skills in mental akido. For me this meant not being polite, instead being a robot with no detectable feelings that my ex could play on or use to manipulate me. He was a bad guy and a major N.  I doubt an N really wants the job of caretaking small children so there has to be another motif.

Obviously someone in administrative power has seen fit to all only guided access to your child.  Supervised access is a good idea if this is the case. Two weeks notice is good too.  This might be hard for you as you seem like a courteous person.
You must not get triggered by his behaviour when you see him or he will really get his rocks off on this. It is like blood to a vampire and he will say Oh goodeeee I really got to her.


As for the shaking at the thought of him and the panic ...... such telltale signs that he is not a safe person for your child.
You mention that he does creepy things with the child and it would be good to document them. Does he abuse substances?

Otherwise the holy grail of dealing with Ns is no contact.  I am not sure how to do this but work on no contact in every way. Hoping for a rabid dog is good, keeps your sense of humour alive. Ns need to be fed drama and attention. So extinguish this in every way. Pray that he meets someone else. Poor next person but it will help you. Any chance you could move away?  Change your phone number or anything to make things inconvenient. 

Get help. You need to have people who have your back.  They are out there in support groups and they know the very special problems you face. Other people don't have a clue and telling them your story makes you vulnerable to be seen as complaining. People generally don't have the slightest clue about narcissism or about he malignant kind of person who slanders the way your ex did. Very, very interesting that what he told the aurthorities was not believed and acted upon.

Focus on your child and don't let the bast...d  take your energy, love and attention.

You are awesome.  Don't forget it.  You deserve respect and so does your child.  you had the guts to leave and its not easy but you did it.


Stand tall sweet mother,

Sea storm

sea storm:
Sorry for above post as I replied to a much earlier post.

I am so happy that you are coping with your ex.  You get better and better at it. I read all the posts and some are so funny that I laughed out loud. You sound so powerful now. All those posts were so helpful to anyone going through dealing with coparenting with a narcissist.

Sea

Hopalong:
Cadbury, you are an AMAZON.

I am awed.

Hops

lighter:
Cadbury:

I read your first post....

it was oddly clarifying.... I understood everything you said, and didn't doubt a single syllable.   

Then I skipped ahead to your update, and wasn't surprised you won your fight.  I also wasn't surprised it took over 6 years of fighting and shooting down the lies, and dispelling the chaos to get to a place where your child is safe.

The civil system is slow, and expensive; self perpetuating, and flawed, but.....

if you can afford to get to that final courtroom.....

the facts eventually triumph, IME.

I'm so glad you're doing well, and your Alex is safe:)

Lighter 

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