Xmas Advice

[grossgirl]

Okay, I have a situation I could use some advice on. In an attempt to have a good xmas and better learn how to deal with me N parents I need to get this off my chest.

Last friday night my father left me a drunk vmail telling me that I was a bitch (just like my mother) and that now that I have material for my book (I am writing a memoir about the effects my sister's murder has had on my life) I have abandoned him and that I should fuck off.  All this after I spent four months nursing him back to health after he had a brain aneorism in April (he almost died).  I thought he was better, he was better, but out of the blue because he was having problems he laid his trip on me, yet again.

Then, my mother told me that she is not coming home (i.e., she lives out state) for xmas.  Here is her reason:

"I won't be coming back for Christmas, between trying to work out the
work thing and the air fares are ridiculous."  Although she said, without question she'd be back.  Later, she admitted the real reason, "<her boyfriend> doesn't do Christmas never has, so we have no
plans."  

I expressed my disappointment because when my dad was sick she told me, point blank, "I don't care if your father lives or dies" this is when it was touch and go.  We launched into a fight, she later said that I could "shove it up your ass."  Nice talk.

Now I told her I may be unable to go to my aunt's (her sister's) for xmas eve (my mother in law is all alone this year and my husband and I are choosing to have dinner with her this year since my mother's family all have one another and would hopefully understand that, for the first time in my life, I do something else on the holiday).  Here is my mother's response:

" I will be honest and say I am really disappointed that you won't be able to make Christmas Eve, I know everyone was looking forward to seeing you and spending it with you."

My reply:
"I don't fully understand why you would be disappointed as you will not
be there either.  To be honest, it is very appealing for me to have a
low-key holiday and since <my mother in law> is not going back to Arizona we thought it would be nice to spend it with her (and since she was going to be totally alone otherwise).  I would hope everyone can understand that."

Her reply:
You were confused as to why I would be disappointed it is because they will be sad and confused why it isn't natural for you to want to be with them. This is just my honest feeling. Mother told me last night that she baked the cookies and sure hoped <your husband> would be there with you. I said nothing. I think people put to much pressure on trying to do everything within the season, I tried to make it happen and it  just didn't make financial and within my work situation sense (my mother, brother and sister have totally understood why I am not coming back). You are there and it would have been nice if you and <your husband> could have gone."

My reply:
"What do you mean not natural for me to see my family?  That's not a very understanding thing for you to say.  I don't feel the need to further explain myself to you  nor should you do the same."

So, anyone have some words of advice?  I don't want this to bother me and somehow taint my holiday.

Oh, and I forgave my father, after he apologized, but that is still stinging.  He told me he felt abandoned by me, yet he totally disregarded the fact that my memoir is also my master's thesis which I need to finish by the end of January to graduate in May.  "Oh, that's a part of it?"  Thanks for paying attention. Oh, yeah, impossible.  

Any survival advice you may have would be great.

[KateW]

I think you have done all the right things by standing up to both of your N parents. You are doing the right thing by spending it with your mother-in-law who would otherwise be alone. If your mom can't understand that, then that is her issue. And good for you saying you didn't think you needed to further explain yourself!

[grossgirl]

Thanks for the advice!  The thing about standing up is I always end up feeling bad, wishing my parents could act the way I see my friends parents treat them.  I grieve over what I have never had and it makes me sad.  I have to learn how to have zero expectations of them, that way I never get hurt.  Urgh.

[Anonymous]

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It's so hard to not feel bad. One thing I'm learning is you just can't change a person (for me, my N Mom). If she reacts to something, I have to realize it's a deficiency in her, not me, and I can't expect that she will ever change. What is important to build other supportive relationships. It's frustrating because, like you said, you want her to treat you how your other friends' parents do. For me, I wish my mom would treat me like my mother-in-law does - she's the sweetest, most selfless understanding mom ever. But, I have to realize that my mom is how she is, and I can't change her. I can only cope. What helps is to separate yourself from the behavior of the person. Last time we had a huge confrontation because I finally stood up for myself, I was laughing to myself because the things she says are so irrational. And now, as an adult, I can see that. When you're younger it's not so easy. Good for you in what you're doing - don't let them make you feel bad!

[KateW]

That was me in the last post - whoops can't quite get this login figured out
 

KateW

[Anonymous]

Grossgirl?  Well, OK.  You don't stike me as gross....Is that "gross" as in gross vs. net salary?  Ah, that was an accounting joke?    Ok, that was a reminder of why accounting isn't funny.  

Now I told her I may be unable to go to my aunt's (her sister's) for xmas eve (my mother in law is all alone this year and my husband and I are choosing to have dinner with her this year since my mother's family all have one another and would hopefully understand that, for the first time in my life, I do something else on the holiday).

Sounds like you are going to your in-law's because SHE will otherwise be alone.  Sounds like you are not going to your mother's family's because THEY will have one another.  What will YOU ENJOY doing or not doing?  What do you want IRRESPECTIVE of balancing out everyone else's holiday?

I encourage you to feel out what you will enjoy even if it makes the whole darned world cry their eyes out all day on Chrismas.  Then and only then factor in whose feelings you want to consider in addition to your own.  

I have found myself also giving "I am forced" reasons to those around me who got used to me focusing on them, my N traited husband and my N mom, for doing something rather than JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO .  Your comment about the thesis reminds me of things I say when I feel guilty.  "I have to", "to graduate", "the school requires I abandon you."  How about "I love school", "I want to work on my thesis" - "What is it that might help you feel not so abandoned, dad?" "Anything else? Because, Dad I am not going to abandoned myself to so that you don't feel abandoned and taking time from school I will feel abandoned. I am sure that you really don't want that."  

Sounds like your mom is possibly jealouse of your m in law and/or feeling guilty that she is not going to her family's and expecting you to be her surrogate.  How about "Mom, how kind of you to be concerned for them and they can tell me themselves if they have a problem with my not attending."  "I am sure that just like you want them to be happy you also want me to be happy and do what I need to to be happy." "Given I am not going there for Christmas is there anything you would like me to do or that you can do instead so you'ld feel better about neither of us attending?"

Oh, and then there is the good ole "BUG OFF!" approach  

Go on GGirl and get merry!

Acappella

P.S.
Also, I get a sense that you are annoyed that your mom chose to be with her boyfriend and to give a lame excuse about work and money instead of saying what you believe is the real reason she isn't coming.  I don't blame you if that is your feeling.  AND, telling her that you are going to the in-law's because SHE (in-law) will be alone is sort of like saying "I am going to be with the person who will be alone beause you chose someone else over your family so will I."  Perhaps that isn't part of your intent in informing your mother of your reason for your choice and if it is that sort of subtext will only keep you hidden from your true intent much as your mom confuses her real reasons with her spoken choices and misses out getting to know herself better, for better or worse, in sickness & in health....Ironically, I believe N's start out in life as people pleasers...they are trying to be the perfect image their parents demand and expect to be paid handsomely for their self sacrifice.  That is the first step towards duplicity...slippery slope it is.

[grossgirl]

What a well-written reply (I like your word choices, esp duplicity).  Your insight is refreshing and honest.  Yes, I am bitter at my mother for choosing her snakey boyfriend over her family, especially after the horribly rocky year we've had (the fight when my father was gravely ill, her selfish lack of support).  I learned a lot about her and me and, sadly, now my father isn't much better than her it seems.  

Anyhow, I will admit, my romantic relationships have always been troubled and I am starting to wonder if there is a pattern between my mother always putting her romantic life first, before her kids and her family.  I grew up watching this and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, that is why I am so deathly afraid of being the kind of wife/partner that I see in all the marriages and relationships around me.  I require that my independence comes first, never to lose the kind of control that puts my relationship first, not ever.  I wonder now that I'm 33, married for five years, separated now for the second time (I've been gone for a year and a half), and comfortable dating my husband but always keeping him at an arms distance, if I will ever change.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my parents for all my problems, I just want to understand myself better, my past better, to make a change (my memoir is helping).  But, how do I do that when I am a people pleaser?  I want to always wave the white flag when my divorced (get over it already) parents fight.  I want to remind them that I am now their only child.  

You are right, I should do what I want for xmas and going to my mother in laws is what I want.  To be honest, she is the closest thing to a normal parent that I've ever had (I've known her since I was 15).  It makes me happy to make her happy.  She has always been there for me and I think it'll be fun.

Sadly, yesterday I caved, I did.  I agreed to stop by my aunts later in the evening, around 9 pm.  I feel bad about it now, but what do I do?  How do I stop this pattern of caving?  In part, I feel guilty for doing what I want, guilty that I will disappoint, make others feel bad. You are 100% right on when you say that my family will understand, I know.  But still, I cannot help myself thinking that I could quite possibly make them feel bad.  

My mother apologized yesterday in the only way she knows how:

"I do want to explain but am now sure you are angry with me again.
Natural may have been the wrong word, what I was trying to convey was they are your family and it's just natural that they would assume you would want to be with them.  That's all. I'm glad you plan on stopping over after dinner, that's nice."

I've decided not to reply to her, not to engage in another pointless series of emails.

Thanks for your advice, I so appreciate it more than you know.

As for gross girl, that is my website (www.grossgirl.com) a childrens book I am writing, my father is illustrating, after I hand in my thesis.  Gross Girl is a superhero of sorts, she fights childhood fears.  It's funny stuff.

--Gross Girl
(PS, Your accounting joke was funny, I smiled.)

[Anonymous]

g-girl,

Both of your parents are childish. Your father is particularly crude and disrespectful, and he's lucky you ever took care of him.

My survival advice: do not explain/ justify yourself to these people. When they scold you, say, "That's my decision; sorry you are disappointed." AND SAY NOTHING MORE. That's how to deal with people who are this screwed up. Command authority. Anything less is seen by them as an admission that you're wrong and they're right.

bunny

[Acappella]

Hey there Gross Girl!

There is some poet..I believe the name is Rilke or something....anyway there is a quote from him about learning to love "the questions themselves".  It used to piss me off as i wanted answers and wanted them now.  (Still do sometimes but now I know to seek out simple questions when I need answers - such as "What flavors of ice cream do you have today?").  Seriously, I have learned to love questions in the sense that I love to savor them and not rush to an answer because in part I may end up with the rushed answer I asked for.  Ah, gee...come to think of it that is how I ended up married.    I didn't ask and yet it was the answer I wanted.

How many times does it take for the chicken to stop crossing the road in rush hour?  That which doesn't kills us makes us stronger? Ah, well faster?  Sometimes we learn to not give in by giving in one or two or three or four times too many. Did I just hear an "ouch?".  Yeah, I know.  

Something far easier than what you are dealing with now but an example of learning by repeating mistakes....I quit smoking 20 years ago after being a pack a day person for 5 years in part by:
1) carfully really feeling each cigarette I smoked which I was only able to do once I had:
2) found comparison feelings (like your going to your mom in law's ?). (I hadn't known what I was missing - had smoked for years, so the contrasts were either accidental or unintentionsal at first ..then I learned to seek them out) - such as:
      a) exersicing cause a cute guy liked me and he exercised.  Hey, I was 16 at the time so give me a break.    I nearly lost a lung coughing when he and I took a jog around a track. Not even cute.
      b) landlady wouldn't let me smoke inside so I had to smoke in a garden (an accidental contrast that proved pivotal.  I hadn't had a garden around before.)  
      c) noticed that the landlady's family did things like take a bubble bath or bake bread or listen to music when they took "breaks"  I noticed I rewarded myself with a cigarette as had my family.  One day I listened to my self and I heard this weirdo say "I worked hard.  I think I'll have a cigarette" and realized I might as well say "I worked hard now I'll smack myself up side the head!".  (With all that was going on in my head a smack was a sort of relative relief hense the need for contrasts.      )I switched to baths and then cigarettes didn't taste as good.

Now on to reel life....Now that I understand I really like and am intrigued by your Gross Girl thing.  Ok, I didn't wait...just looked at your page ..Only took the time to check out the movie reviews and we are so on the same page from what I saw (except I really liked the Hulk and a Mighty Wind was the sound of me snoring   I fell for the "It takes a horse to raise a village" Seabiquit syrup - Did I mention I was depressed? Keeping the McGuire character with his family well that not even a forlorned bizzilionare could do? Souplines? Well by gosh...let them eat seabiquits! ). Tu Pac, 8 mile, the Hours, Fight Club, Depp and Dustin, Adaptaion, Toni Collette, Finding Nemo..Oh cinema joy! Speaking of irresistable did you see Chocolate?  Depp was dipped in it.  Living out Loud, The Piano?  Shrek? Migration?  (especially the DVD special feature about how it was made).  Few of my favs. Now I am really intrigued about your book...next week I'll revisit and take a closer look.  

Keep on swimming, keep on swimming...(said with that lovely lilty comfortably absent minded voice and innocent eyes).

As a psychiatrist once said to me as we both were about to scuba dive in shark infested waters..."Sometimes denial is a good thing."

Oh and although I am now creeped out by Woody Allen's rasing his own lover aka abuse and now find his insecurity sort of an implosion a kin to "humble" narcissism (though may rent the movie based on your review - oh god does that mean I am an enabler?) - here is a joke I love from one of his early movies - A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist about his wife (pluck your mind from the gutter - we are talkin about the patients own wife here).  
paraphrased:
Psychiatrist:  What is the problem you are having with your wife?
Patient: She thinks she is a chicken. She is scratching up the carpets and pecks at her food.  She is crazy doc!
Psychiatrist: Have you confronted her about this?
Patient: No Doc I haven't.
Psychiatrist: Why not?
Patient: Well, see the thing is I've come to depend on the eggs.  

P.S. Regarding your insightfull, humorous and creative movie reviews ..."Thanks , I so appreciate them more than you know!"  Cinema therapy is my current - how to keep sane or go less crazy holiday thrival strategy.  (Thrival is my word for that weird place between survival -tired of that word and all it connotes - and thriving!)

[Gross Girl]

Acapella,

Hey, thanks for checking out my site!  I really appreciate your film views (or views about films, it's late in the day, my writing is turning passive on me).  Movies, I see two (!) in the theatre a weekend. I always see them in the afternoon (I am not a wealthy person, not at all). I also have Netflix so I am catching up on the old films (I watched "All About Eve" for the very first time last night, I laughed my bum off on the following two (Bette Davis) lines, "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night," and, in response to Eve getting the prestigious acting award, she turns to Eve and says, while grasping lightly onto the trophy, "Eve, I'm so happy you've received this award, now you'll be something to place in the hole where your heart should be."  Oh my, that Ms. Davis, whatta gal.

Anyhow, thanks for your wonderful reply.  I find my portals wherever I am able.  Decisions, always hard for me and not caving, even worse.  Partly I still feel responsible to make up for my sister's absence, filling her shoes (I've finally learned, after writing this dang book), and partly trying to make my parents happy by my successes.  But, as luck would have it, I think she (my sister) is somehow showing me I am wasting my time.  An example, my mother told me she knows that since my sister's death I have turned my life around (I was 16, a real partier at the time), doubled my gpa, graduated from college, finishing my MA, writing my book, and that (and I kid you not, these were her exact words), "None of those things diminished or even distracted me from the loss of your sister, nor did it make me less sad or even happy."  Nice, thanks Mom, you could've humored me at least.

Lesson learned?  Yes, getting there.  I think it's too strange that these harsh events (Dad's awful phone call, Mom's above comments and further comments regarding xmas) have happened in the last two weeks, while I'm approaching my month deadline (the book is due in one month).  So, I must look at it like that, (per Rilke) and embrace it as (we say here in my academic land) a "learning opportunity."  

Aw, this is a breath of fresh air, thanks Acapella, you have helped me salvage an otherwise fairly negative start to the holiday season, or, whatever those wise marketers are calling it these days.

Yoga, here I come!

Smiles,
Gross Girl

(PS, this weekend it's "Giant" with my boy James Dean and Liz Taylor, plus, whatever new films are  out now.)

(PPS, I saw "Chocolate" and not only is my boy Johnny nummy, but my fave female acress Julie Binoche is beyond fab.)

[guest - CC]

Just catching up on some old posts here..  nothing to do with anything than the mention of Johnny Depp, but boy is he HOT!!! Love that dark, mysterious underground boy that he plays in almost everything.