Should I ?

[seasons]

I

[mudpuppy]

Hi Seasons,

I feel she is going and is using this against me to show everyone, see it's not me it's her, she didn't even care for me during recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe this is the crux of your problem. Until I realized it doesn't matter what other people think as long as I was doing the right thing for the people I am responsible for then I was ripe for manipulation.
You are responsible for your kids and your husband. If the rest of your family condemns you based on the rantings of your nutty sister then so be it. If any of them are decent people they will talk to you and get your side of things. If they're not decent people then you shouldn't give a rat's rear what they think.
If you want to love your sister then love her from afar by praying for her. But don't let her take you from your kids or your husband or people who really need help like his mom. Its your life not their's. Do you think you are going to look back when you're eighty and say 'gee I'm glad I spent so much of my life trying to please a bunch of ungrateful nuts and making myself and my family miserable in the process'? I doubt it.

I just want to be left alone and be safe. If I do what i want i'm selfish, and not turning the other cheek........

You have turned the other cheek already for several years. That commandment does not mean you are to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your relative's insanity. Nor does it mean you are instructed to keep putting your cheek in front of your sister's slap. You are NOT being selfish when you give your time to your husband and children. You are doing the right thing.
Believe me I know how hard it is to extricate yourself from this kind of relationship but you will not regret cutting these people out of your life. Any negative repercussions are more than compensated for by knowing you are doing what's right and best for your family.

mud

[Sela]

Hi Seasons:

Gee it sounds like you've had a lot on your plate for awhile.  Sorry life gets so hard sometimes eh?  Glad you're posting and getting it out anyway.  It's a good step in the right direction, I think.  I'm glad to hear that your time and energy are returning.

If I do what i want i'm selfish, and not turning the other cheek...

Really?  Do you really believe this?

I totally disagree.  I think you have an obligation to yourself to take care of you.  I also think the expression.......turning the other cheek.......was not meant to be done over and over and over and over (thus.......allowing ourselves to be abused repeatedly).  After all, we only have two cheeks....so maybe....it's meant to be done once or twice, assuming ofcourse we're not talking about a powerful, knock-down blow.  Cheeks weren't built to sustain those eh?

I feel lilke I have no excuse now not to offer my late services to her.

Oh but you do have a good reason for not doing so..........and that is........

you don't want to have to keep turning cheeks (have you run out of them yet??).

I feel she is going and is using this against me to show everyone, see it's not me it's her, she didn't even care for me during recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who everyone?  The "family" who didn't offer to help you...

Not that any of my family offered to help me during the last four months, not one of them.

Who cares what they think?  Does it really matter?

If they can't be bothered to help you, when you need it, you have to help yourself.  Part of that is doing what gives you peace and that's what I really hear you saying (maybe I'm wrong ):

"I need peace".

How do you get N's out of your life, yet be a good person during illness and death?

By keeping the distance and taking care of you.  You can send a card, offer sympathy, good wishes, prayers, whatever.  You don't have to offer your "services".

You are not their servant.  Be as generous to you Seasons.  Serve you a good helping of caring, generosity, consideration, and cheek turning.

((((((((((((((((((big huge large hug))))))))))))))))))

Sela

[Marta]

I feel like I'm playing a game with my life and what play should I make next. Gosh I want to be done with games.

Oh, that's what I felt like around the Ns, that I was constantly drawn into playing games, and I could not bear to live that way. Sorry to hear about your sisters. Hugs, Marta

[Sallying Forth]

I just want to be left alone and be safe. If I do what i want i'm selfish, and not turning the other cheek........

You have turned the other cheek already for several years. That commandment does not mean you are to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your relative's insanity. Nor does it mean you are instructed to keep putting your cheek in front of your sister's slap. You are NOT being selfish when you give your time to your husband and children. You are doing the right thing.

Believe me I know how hard it is to extricate yourself from this kind of relationship but you will not regret cutting these people out of your life. Any negative repercussions are more than compensated for by knowing you are doing what's right and best for your family.

mud

That is so powerful and so right on. The best thing I ever did in my life was extricate myself from my very screwed family or origin. That is when I truly started to heal from all the abuse. Before that I was trapped by guilt. It wasn't an easy step to make. However I don't miss all the turmoil, the hysterics, the acting out and the abuse. All the very N-behavior.

[write]

it seems to me you have many immediate demands on your time and energy, and you're coping remarkably well.

Why not put N sis on the back burner for when you have something to spare...that's not being mean or uncaring, just prioritising your own needs and setting good boundaries for what you can deal with right now.

You've continued to send her good wishes, why should she be entitled to any more? Loving families realise that sometimes people are tied up with their own problems, and are concerned and content that their loved ones are takig care of themselves.

[Hopalong]

I loved MP's quote about turning the other cheek as well. Thanks, MP.

Seasons, it's terribly hard to face the notion of truly giving up on having a loving sister. It's like grieving, but confusing because she's still alive, walking around. But what's dying is your dream of having a sister who would be what some sisters are: loving, supportive, unselfish, loyal, and not an N.

I don't know whether complete severing of your relationship is necessary. But I send you much support while you grieve over the loss of that dream. I know how painful it is. Because N or not, in some degree you do love her. In a way, I find grieving over the loss of the dream relationships with Ns more painful than grieving over someone I love who has died.

When it doubt, you could leave a bag of fruit on the porch with a note now and then, if that feels good. Whatever gesture allows you to feel you are being a sister by YOUR definition and within YOUR HEALTHY LIMITS. (Or if no gesture is better, then that's right, too.)

I am so sorry.
Hopalong