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Mom's coming to visit - so many feelings and guilt... help

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KateW:
My mom is coming this weekend to visit me and my husband for Christmas per my offer to her because she was angry we were spending Xmas with my dad (New to this Think my Mom's a Narcissist thread). It's already causing problems between me and me husband. He wants me to tell her to not say anything bad about my dad when she comes but for some reason I am afraid to. I am always afraid of her reaction.... it is so stupid. She's staying for 2 nights and I'm already dreading it and then I feel guilty for it.  She's been all quiet lately ever since our last blowout like I treated her so badly by standing up to her. Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel like I'm responsible for her feelings? Do N's not realize how they are? Whenever I confront her she acts all "hurt" like she can't understand why anyone would be mean to her. She goes through friends like water... so she has to be an N right? But then I feel bad for her because she doesn't even know why people don't want to be around her? I really feel like she has no clue about her behavior. Then I feel like I need to help her because she doesn't even know how she is.  When I called her to see if she had decided she was coming, I get a curt "I already told you I was coming!" like I was playing games or something. Are N's typically paranoid? She didn't give me a definite answer just that she hoped I could fit her in my "busy social calendar".  Sometimes I think it would be better to just cut off all ties with her and my N sister but then I worry about hurting her. Because she gets so sad when we aren't all together for the holidays. She was crying because we "don't have a family anymore" (because according to her because my dad left and moved all the way to Australia 18 years ago) and it's all his fault, etc etc.

Anonymous:
Yes, Kate, it appears you are in the throes of N-ism.  Your mother reminds me very much of mine. But what spoke to me more what how I identified with YOUR reaction.  I can see myself in you and have walked in your shoes of guilt many times.

I cannot honestly tell you how to "stop" feeling guilty about setting boundaries with your mother - because I have yet to complete the process.  But I do have some advice for you that truly has helped me.

When we are just learning about narcissism in a parent and how it has affected us, you begin to see your feelings come about in two parts for each encounter with that N parent:

1) Discomfort/Anger that we are being hurt or affected by behavior of the narcissist, or discomfort/anger that we are compromising our own beliefs or feelings to make them happy

2) Guilt that we are feeling that discomfort or anger, because everything we have been taught by our N parent and society is to honor thy mother and father, no matter what the circumstances

Here's the good news: when you begin to realize these as two separate feelings, you can take action to eliminate #1! You begin to set boundaries. When you set boundaries, you stop the actions that are causing the emotions in #1. And I don't know about you, but having only one bad feeling is better than two ANY day.

Boundary setting is very difficult, but becomes easier with time and practice. When you set a boundary with your mother, you will feel initially liberated and you will begin to see the positive side: you are preventing yourself from being hurt.

The guilt, #2,  is still there for me.  However, I am confident that this has improved over time, and will lessen with time and experience.  And the nature of the guilt has changed.  It used to be I felt guilty about being angry with her because I felt like a bad person.  Now, the guilt is because I feel sorry for her and don't want to hurt her (pity).  Perhaps you can't see the difference, but I feel it.  And now, when it comes - it is more recognizable, "oh, yes, here comes the expected guilt that comes with boundary setting, it will pass and I will be fine and so will mother".

My suggestion for you for the Christmas weekend is this.  While I think your husband is smart in trying to protect you, I don't know if its a good idea to preface the visit with a statement like: "listen, mother, I don't want to hear any bad talk about Dad when you come this weekend".  I think you might open yourself up for some defensive resistance and start off on the wrong foot - and she will enter the house feeling defensive.

Instead, I would go about the visit assuming she will not bash your Dad.  Then, when the first situation arises and she makes a comment about him that makes you uncomfortable, address it immediately:

"Mother, what you just said makes me very uncomfortable.  I would appreciate it if you would refrain from discussing your opinions about Dad during our visit this weekend" and then change the subject.

This will be less likely to evoke an argument - and she might be less likely to do it in the presence of your husband anyway.  Additionally, the statement indicates that YOU are uncomfortable, not that SHE is misbehaving.  This tactic has been very effective with my Nmother - because she thinks it's MY problem and not hers.

I imagine she may still react, if she is not accustomed to you setting boundaries. If she persists, I would suggest "I'm sorry you feel that way mother, but I've told you how I feel and need you to respect my request". or "While I respect your feelings, I really prefer not to discuss it any further during your visit".

You are correct in assuming she has no clue about her behavior.  And you can count on her never understanding.  The alternative then, is simply to take care of you and your feelings.

good luck.  The holidays are difficult for us with dysfunction in our families.

CC

KateW:
CC:

You are very wise - what good advice. I really appreciate your info on the two key feelings - not allowing the anger/discomfort to happen in the first place to avoid the guilt makes so much sense. And, like you said, I can't expect her to change or do anything about it. Thank you so much - I feel so much better!

rosencrantz:
I just wonder why your husband is getting you to do his dirty work for him ;-)  Maybe there are boundaries to be set here, too.  Do you feel responsible for everyone?  I know I do!!  And I'd respond to a request like that by feeling responsible for everyone in the equation (and oh what a lot of inner turmoil and conflict that would set up!).

But I'm learning not to!!

If he wants something, then he's responsible for dealing with it directly.

I agree with CC's view on tactics - but you're not responsible for what your husband wants, he is!

And really, I'd just ignore anything she says that you don't want to acknowlege or hear.  It's amazing how much you can get away with!!  Why not think up (in advance) a whole load of things to say to change the subject, even if it's only variations on a theme of "Pass the salt, please" and "What wonderful/terrible weather we're having this Xmas"!! If you're really brave, you'll find the power of silence!!!

Good luck!
R

Anonymous:
Yeah, you are probably right that I need to set boundaries with my husband too. I DO feel responsible for everyone. I just hate it. When I am with my mother and husband, I am just miserable trying to make everyone happy. You are right - talk about inner turmoil! My husband and I went to dinner tonight and we started arguing about when my mom will be here... ie. the spare bed's "too hard" according to my mom and she always moves to the couch in the family room while she's here which drives him crazy because she sleeps in late and monopolizes the whole room. So, I suggested I just go visit her which is what I'm going to do. Easier just to not have to deal with having her here and the problems it will create. I'm not looking forward to going up there but yes I do feel obligated since I'm not seeing her over Xmas.... I know what the rational answer is - don't go but I'm not quite there yet. Especially after all the horrible things she said when we had our recent blowout over my dad coming for Xmas. The thing is, if I decided not to go, what would I say? I'm so used to making up white lies so I dont "hurt" her feelings! Wacky, eh?

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