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Mom's coming to visit - so many feelings and guilt... help

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Anonymous:
Once again, previous post was me - I'll get this figured out sooner or later  :roll:

KateW

nightsong:
Kate, you need to log in to have your name appear - took me quite a while to figure this one out!

Your post resonated with me too. My mother last visited in August. For the first time EVER, I stood up to her and objected to some thing she habitually does in our house that drives me nuts. Admittedly I didn't do it in a very adult way, but it was my first time after all. She didn't speak to me until November !! (Which was a blessed relief, despite the guilt). And now she is refusing to see us over Christmas. She thinks she is punishing us. We are so looking forward to Christmas now!

Sounds like one of the boundaries you might consider is about sleeping on your couch when she comes - that really is annoying. Can you and your husband present a united front to her about some of these things? If you are BOTH, calmly and reasonably, asking her to do/not to do something, I reckon it will be much harder for her to avoid complying. After all you have good reasons why this behaiour is not OK, and you can explain them to her. I know she won't hear them, but at least you will have behaved perfectly reasonably and there will be no need for guilt. Just a thought.

I do hope you have a reasonable time when you see her. I know that 'caught in the middle' feeling between mother and husband. Mine can't bear the way she treats me and often stands up to her when he thinks I'm being abused (he's right of course). Then I have to cope with her hurt feelings. So I can see advantages to being with her on your own, but it sounds pretty hard. I wish you strength for the visit, and then a lovely guilt-free Christmas afterwards.

Nightsong

nightsong:
Kate, you need to log in to have your name appear - took me quite a while to figure this one out!

Your post resonated with me too. My mother last visited in August. For the first time EVER, I stood up to her and objected to some thing she habitually does in our house that drives me nuts. Admittedly I didn't do it in a very adult way, but it was my first time after all. She didn't speak to me until November !! (Which was a blessed relief, despite the guilt). And now she is refusing to see us over Christmas. She thinks she is punishing us. We are so looking forward to Christmas now!

Sounds like one of the boundaries you might consider is about sleeping on your couch when she comes - that really is annoying. Can you and your husband present a united front to her about some of these things? If you are BOTH, calmly and reasonably, asking her to do/not to do something, I reckon it will be much harder for her to avoid complying. After all you have good reasons why this behaiour is not OK, and you can explain them to her. I know she won't hear them, but at least you will have behaved perfectly reasonably and there will be no need for guilt. Just a thought.

I do hope you have a reasonable time when you see her. I know that 'caught in the middle' feeling between mother and husband. Mine can't bear the way she treats me and often stands up to her when he thinks I'm being abused (he's right of course). Then I have to cope with her hurt feelings. So I can see advantages to being with her on your own, but it sounds pretty hard. I wish you strength for the visit, and then a lovely guilt-free Christmas afterwards.

Nightsong

CC:
Kate,

When nightsong mentioned "having a nice Christmas together after the visit" it reminded me of something my husband and I have done since the first year we were together (9 years ago).  We have our own "Christmas" on Christmas night (the 25th) after all the entertaining, visiting and family stuff has been finished.  We exchange one inexpensive gift to each other Christmas Eve with his family Christmas (usually at our house), and then we exchange a similar type of gift at my Nmother's Christmas morning at brunch when we go there - just so we have something small to open at each gathering along with the relatives.

Then after it is all said and done, we go home, make sure we have some really good wine and cheese in the house, and spread out any our our favorite leftover hors de ouvres in front of the Christmas tree, and light a couple of candles. We nibble, drink, listen to Sinatra, and I put on a special little outfit  :wink:  - then we exchange our big, important gifts (unless we get distracted first).  

Because the holidays have always been very stressful with my family, this is my absolute FAVORITE part of Christmas - we are relaxed and truly enjoy the holiday with no one else around and its a fun way to incorporate a little romance into the holiday too.  The only bad thing is my husband and I seem to spend more and more money on each other each year because we want more presents to open for this ritual so we can prolong it!  last year we added stockings for each other to make it even longer.  

I used to dread the holidays because of dealing with my family.  Since we started this ritual, I have taken more pleasant ownership of Christmas.
If you are able to do this, I highly recommend it.  It gives you something to look forward to after all the "putting up with the bullshit" time.  If your mom will be there Christmas night, plan for it the next night. Or make up your own new ritual that involves the things you really enjoy - and save it for the end.

P.S. Tell your mom that she'd better not sleep on the couch because there are monsters under there and you are concerned for her safety.  (hee hee, sorry, its midnight and I'm a little punchy).

KateW:
Hi all,

Thanks so much for your support and good ideas to deal with all the craziness. Last night I decided to go up there this weekend to visit (instead of Mom coming here - it just causes too much tension between me and my husband), and then I will be back for Xmas with my dad and husband which I am really looking forward to. But now, I don't even want to go up there after I said I would! I just feel like checking out.  Nightsong, I can't believe your mom wouldn't talk to you because you confronted her on her annoying habit! What is wrong with these people??? Oh, I know, they're N's! CC, I like the idea of the alone time you and your husband create for eachother - that's a great idea. I don't know what to do about this weekend... I almost feel like just saying I'm not coming up. I am so torn. I just know it's not going to be a good time. My mom will be there acting like everything is just peachy keen and wonderful and then she'll be upset because I'm not spending the night (I just want to go for the day). Plus, my NSister is crazy - hooked on pain pills and moody and rude. But if I don't go, Mom will be upset.
KateW

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