Hey my other post about this got deleted by some glitch or something ,, so i am going to try to post again . I don't have the energy to write down everything, but at the same time i do not want to forget anything or go into deial. So anyway this guy acted like he was going to help me, told me he loved me, i told him everything, he is some "hip" NYC comedian scumbag on the prowl for material or something, he tore my heart to shreds and I am afraid that he will become violent because he would give hints that he is a violent person, is a boxer, would tell me about how he was angry at his ex girlfriend for sleeping with some other guy in earrings that he bought her and then he would glance at me in that angry way, and would stare at my earrings, and stuff. Also he beat up some guys on the train the other day. He said that he did it becuase the guy was abusign the girl, and I think it was motivated by self hatred because just the other night he had been teling me that his ex deserved to be hit. Anyway, he would sort of degrade me and I caught him using something that had gone on between us as material to flirt with another girl while I was sitting right there next to him and too shocked to process what was going on because only 1/2 hour before he had been telling me that he loved me and whatever, and wanted me to keep our relationship a secret because of his reputation, I only have six months and whatever. Last night he went to some party, which now I realize was for the 90 day anniversary of that other girl, but he told me to wait for him at the 11 pm meeting which he never showed up for, and then I had to go home at like 12 :30 AM alone. He told me that he was treating me icky because he was mad at himself or something, whatev. I feel very hurt and confused by this, not knowing what to think, and afraid for my safety and my sobriety , whatev. I also do not want ot be humiliated by him using things I told him as material ,, he was always saying "you are so funny" and telling me " people must be jealous of you a lot" Also one time he said some thing that made me feel like he had the desire to hurt me in some way. I just don't want to go into denial, I have a very strong pull towards him and everything, or start to bleme myself or think that i have to protect him. i yelled at him over the phone and called him a motherfucker and I feel like he may retaliate whatev. Oh no. Also he spent two years in Rikers Island. I knew all of this stuff but he was telling me he loved me and everything and that he would get my chiropractor beat up and blah blah blah I htought I finally had someone there for me to be with and care about me as he would always ask me all these qustions like he cared and wanted to know me but secretly I think that he wanted to know for his comedy or something or to get me all attatched to him or something.
I just feel really awful because I did get very attatched to him, to the point where I felt for him the way I have felt about my past addict boyfriends who have haunted me forever, also he goes to my home group of AA and that is the only place I have felt safe and protected and cared about in real life EVER EVER EVER EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I have nightmares about it shutting down, it is open most of the day. Also, we did get really close as wierd as that may sound, and I do love him a lot and stuff, which makes it hard, and also feel bad because I called him a motherfucker and he had told me that he was abused as a child and i am worried it was by his mom, and that would be really icky, but it is not like I was trying to be icky like that, I call all men who I am angry at motherfuckers. Whatev.
