I went to stay with a friend overnight on Friday, so we could go visit ex easier on Saturday. Except then C decided not to go, so we were packing the car to come home yesterday morning.
My friend is a minister, and had a quiet day yesterday (Sat) and he had gone with all the people to this day out. Anyway, a woman rang the doorbell. She had been left behind because she thought they were meeting at 10, and it was actually 9.30.
I said, no problem, I will take you. I rang my friend, and he said why don't you stay for the quiet day as well. I said, perhaps an hour or two would be good, and take it from there, in case I am not well enough to do the whole day. So far so good. He gave me directions; only about a 15 - 20 minute drive at most.
Anyway, we were going along happily enough. This woman was a bit strange; kind of obsessive about details, if you know what I mean, but nice enough. Anyway, we talked about my ex, and his health, and then she asked more and more, and I told about him being an alcoholic.
Oh my God!!!!! She then started about herself. It was like I gave her the permission to do this, by admitting this old relationship. She said is an alcoholic, 6 years recovered. She talked and talked and talked, about everything. Then I got lost. I realised I had missed the turning, and said I needed to concentrate on the road, and she said it was all her fault (
) and carried on talking and talking.
My friend rang, and we said we had missed the road, but were nearly there. And I was on the right road, but at a certain point I turned into a church carpark and could go no further. She was still talking. I had shut her up at the point where she discussed her suicidal thoughts, by telling her that my daughter is only 12, and looks older, so she changed away from that one, but there was just this torrent of words and it felt really invasive. (At one point I told her that I don't know her at all, and that she is to be commended if she is not drinking, but in my ex's case I would never believe him when he says he has not been drinking, because he is a liar, and doesn't know what the truth is.)
Even if she is recovered, she is clearly still held fast in the fascination of what it is to drink, and the processes involved. There was so much detail, and she went on and on and on. Starting from how her husband used to pour the drink for her to begin with; lots of how it was not her fault. It was the pain, then it was him, then it was the illness, then she couldn't stop. Then how the doctor told her she had 5 years to live, so she stopped. And she had only been drinking for six months.
My friend rang again. I got out of the car and told him, in a really little girl voice, I don't know where I am. I am lost, and I don't know where I am. I said P has been talking. He said he would come and find us, and I told him the name of the church.
He came and took this woman away. And he gave me a hug, which was lovely, but so did she, and it felt horrible; like being trampled on. She had no concept of how repulsive she was to me. While waiting for him she said, why didn't you tell me to shut up, or to change the subject? Still talking. She said I hope that what I have said will be useful to you when you have time to think about it.
I said to Charlie, it is like someone listening to you say that a family member has been murdered, and then they admit that actually, they killed someone once, and then giving you every gory detail, as if it could
ever help you. It really does not help at all. And it was all about her. Nothing at all about the effect on her family or husband.
I couldn't go to the quiet day at all then, although I really needed a cup of tea or something.
The woman left a small card on my car seat, about healing. I found it, and threw it out of the car window before C and I drove away, and came home. My friend sent several texts on the way home, to make sure we were ok, and that was so kind of him. I told him I had thrown the card away, and he said someone could find it and use it to wipe their btm.
It was like having him with us. Then I made a cup of tea when I got home.
All I can think now is that this woman found what she believed to be a codependent, and latched onto me like a leech or a vampire would. I didn't realise in time what was happening, and by the time I did find out, it was too late to stop her, because I had frozen into survival mode. My ego boundaries are really weak, and my defenses just not up to managing something like this.
I could not concentrate on finding a new road, while at the same time maintain boundaries of conversation within reasonable limits for both myself and C. So my coping crashed (although the car did not, fortunately!!) and I had to stop. I could not drive another yard with her sitting beside me.
I am not sure what this means, except that I am not very strong when dealing with some people. Maybe I need to be more careful who I spend time with.
Then I was asleep all afternoon. But today I am a bit better, and have made gf chocolate cakes and cheese scones.
