My dad is ill and why is my husband acting like this?

[Chance]

Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome.  I'm still not sure if I'm in the right place, I think my biggest problem is that I am a codependent.  Because of this and likely low self esteem, I have the wrong people around me.

I am preoccupied with my dad, he is still on life support, but we think he is improving every single day.  I was there last weekend and I plan to go back this weekend.

I took my husband and daughter.  My husband had a "gig" and said he couldn't come at first, and then I argued with him, I guess I had expectations that he would come with me (it's a 9 hour drive).  What do they say about have expectations of others?  Not a good plan.  But to me, what is a husband for but to be there for you.  Am I being unreasonable?  He canceled his gig and came, but I'm sorry I made him do it.  I don't want a husband who is guilted into being there for me.

So this weekend he does not plan to go, and I will not force him.  I think he is being selfish.  When we were there he wanted to leave early Sunday morning to return.  I wanted to wait to see doctors on Monday morning, and we waited, but we had terrible fights over it.  May this weekend be simpler.

Before my mother took ill he told his parents we would go to Thanksgiving, 8 hours the opposite direction.  Now I tell him I just don't know, I don't know if my dad will recover, if we will have to make decisions, etc.  I want to be with him!  So he says he will go to his parents by himself.  He told them we would come after all.  And he is still expecting that I may go with him.  I just don't see how I can take 4 days away from spending time with my family and my dad to do this, even if he gets up tomorrow!  Oh well, maybe if he gets up tomorrow, but I don't know that he will.

This behavior is just typical of him.  When I hear him talk on the phone with people about it, he sounds all concerned and caring, yet I'm not sure he has feelings at all.  I think he is just acting.  I've seen this before.  I've seen the "fine, I'll go by myself" and I've heard "they are my real family."

I feel ashamed that I got married.  I've only been married to him for a year and half.  I was afraid to be alone.  I'm still afraid to be alone.  I'd rather be with someone uncaring and kind than be alone?

My brother is similar.  He has been the devoted son, at my father's side.  Yet when his wife's mom was sick, he wasn't there.  Maybe it's just me, having expectations. 

If someone were to ask my husband if he loved me, he would say yes, and look surprised.

Chance/Change?

[write]

<I feel ashamed that I got married.  I've only been married to him for a year and half.  I was afraid to be alone.  I'm still afraid to be alone.  I'd rather be with someone uncaring and kind than be alone?>

seems like you already recognise the problem.

It's so hard in most societies not to feel this way, especially if you have any self-esteem or family issues, there's so much pressure to be part of a couple and settle down etc.

I was out last night with a friend I've always thought of as independent and strong, I admired her ability to remain single and not compromise. She told me she is sick of being alone and just wants someone she can be 'comfortable' with.

I felt negative telling her that when I 'settled' for a relationship- it was anything but comfortable....

You'll find support here, Chance, whether your husband is NPD or just selfish and narcissistic.

I have always found that trying to impress others with the caring so much more painful than if someone just didn't know or care- surely if it's important enough to have to put on an act they should get it and realise it's important to others???

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Portia]

Hi Chance/Change

If someone were to ask my husband if he loved me, he would say yes, and look surprised.

Do you love your husband?  This might be an important question for you, might not. By love I mean, why did you marry him, what qualities do you like about him etc etc. What makes the relationship for you?

If you think you might have the wrong people around you, what do you think the right people would be like?

[miss piggy]

Hello Chance,

How ya doing?  This is a delicate and difficult problem for any newly formed couple.  It doesn't necessarily mean that your H is NPD or anything.  If you have been married for only a year and a half, just deciding where to spend the holidays can raise a whole bunch of stuff even without the health issues.

My take on your situation is that you both bring expectations to the relationship that you might not even be aware of until you reach a major bump in the road like this.  Don't expect your H to know your expectations if you haven't stated them clearly.  I mean the emotional expectations, not the specific "I need you next Saturday".  Try to be open to compromise and be flexible.

Let me share my story: When my H and I were married for about four years, my MIL became terminally ill with cancer.  We lived 500 miles away.  We went down to visit with babies in tow during the holidays and when she had to go to the hospital.  The family scene was crazy and there was lots of emotional upset in the house (FIL didn't deal with the illness very well).  It became so crazy, and I cared about MIL a lot, she was a great lady, but I couldn't take it anymore.  It was insane.  I was young and I felt selfish for saying it.  But the situation affected me as much as it did my H only in different ways.  I'd like to think I was supportive to some degree, perhaps not as supportive as I could be now that I am older and a bit more mature (I think).  So sometimes H and I would be upset with each other and other times when we were calmer we could say how we were feeling about MIL's illness.  We agreed that I would go with him for the family events, but that he could go down for the other visits by himself to spend more time with her.

Your H sounds young and like he can't express his feelings.  Your family is now his family and vice versa.  Your collective family is now bigger through the extension of marriage.  He may not know how to navigate the tug-of-war between birth family and in-laws.  Many people don't.  I suggest that you both sit down and figure out what is going to work for you as a couple and try to leave individual expectations aside for the moment.  There can be ways for him to support you that are different than committing every weekend to an extremely lengthy hospital visit.  Getting an hour or two of sincere love and support for your mother and for you can be worth more than 24 hours of extorted guilt-ridden hours.  People can get very upset about going to hospitals for anyone and it might be stirring feelings in him you are unaware of.  (this is understandable because of what you are facing.) 

Try to take the approach of problem solving, vs. criticising yourselves for even having these difficulties at all.  This is really a lesson in how to be a committed couple.  Perhaps you can open the discussion by asking him for his support and also asking him how he would be comfortable showing his love and support of you during this upsetting time.  It might be having meals ready and laundry done when you return from a visit.  Or being ready to hear all about it when you return from a visit.  Ask him when he could accompany you and let him come up the answers. 

Realize also that the way that you plan to support him when his parents are in the same boat will be different, because you are different people.  What you can provide may be different than what he is equipped to provide.  I'm not suggesting to let him off the hook of providing for your emotional needs at this time.  Just try to move off of the specific form it will take if you can. 
I hope this note makes sense and that it might help some.  Be sure to get some sleep and take care of your physical needs.  You'll be in better shape for everyone, including yourself.  (((Chance)))  Take care, MP

PS A great general book is Five Languages of Love.  People feel loved differently.  The 5 ways are: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

[daylily]

Hi Chance,

I can relate.  My mother has been very ill for the past two months, and I've been doing the same dance with my husband of 12 years.  I'll tell you what (little) I've learned, and you can decide whether it's helpful or not.

I'm not always sure what I want "support" to look like.  Sometimes I want my husband by my side, sometimes I want him to stay home and clean the bathroom, and sometimes I just want him to leave me alone with my sadness and confusion.  In our relationship, it's better for me to do a little self-diagnosis and then ask for what I think I want, rather than waiting for him to offer what he thinks I want.  The other day, when I was very upset, my husband said, "It will be all right."  I replied (relatively calmly), "But you don't know that."  He was extremely hurt because he felt I was rejecting his offer of comfort.  This was not a big deal--it passed very quickly--but you can see how different his take on "support" can be from mine.  He wanted to reassure, I wanted to vent.

Right now, I'm not sure how seriously I take your comment about feeling ashamed that you got married.  During my mother's illness, all sorts of thoughts have run through my head about my husband, the course my life has taken, etc.  I would bet that's pretty natural.  When you're under this kind of stress, everything seems wrong.  Even if your husband is a pretty wonderful guy, he's not uniformly wonderful, and flaws get magnified under these conditions.  It's also even harder on your relationship that you haven't been married very long.

One more thing.  Part of your husband's discomfort--which may come across as boredom or disinterest--may simply be that he's uncomfortable being a "spectator" to both the facts of the situation and the emotions those facts engender.  Given that he's young, his reaction might be to simply avoid a situation that makes him uncomfortable--and it's possible that it may make him so uncomfortable that he wants to get out more than he wants to support you.

In my own situation, most of the time I have not asked my husband to come with me to visit my mother.  My mother was in intensive care for over 30 days.  That type of hospital visiting consists largely of sitting around.  Only one or two people can visit the patient at any given time.  I didn't really see the point in dragging my husband 250 miles to sit in a waiting room.  During my mother's transfer to another facility, I did ask him to be with me.  That was a 12-hour day involving quite a bit of driving, and I wasn't sure that I would be OK by myself.  He came with me and did not have an attitude.

So I would say, ask for what you want, and try to understand that this might be very uncomfortable for him.  And try to keep the "big" thoughts--why did I marry him, do I really want to be with him, etc.--for a calmer time.  For now, take care of your responsibilities and yourself, and let him help as much as he is able.

I wish you strength.  I know how tough this is, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

best,
daylily