Do your parents have friends?

[Healing&Hopeful]

As the title states and I was just wondering really what it's like for your parents.

My bio dad has boating friends and one of them keeps in touch with me to let me know how he is.  I've asked him a few questions about how he finds him and he said that him and his wife like my bio dad a lot and that he's good boating company, but on the other hand previously, he's also said he's a difficult person to know, let alone be related to.

My Mum and Stepdad never have any friends over, however Mum has a friend she keeps in touch with that she used to go to school with.

Take care

H&H xx

[Chicken]

Wow! Good post!

My parents hid when someone came to the door and pretended not to be home! Ha Ha Ha! ...didn't pick up the phone when it rang, antagonised over having to return phonecalls when someone did call.   They never had anyone over to the house, though they did have friends, they weren't in personal contact with them.  All the socialising that my Father did was done in the pub at weekends where friends were at a safe distance and he could handle them through a haze of drink.  My Mother was better than my Father in this respect.  She was close to her sisters and met them for coffee daily.  She had college friends whom she met yearly at Christmas time for a meal.

My Father was a strange one...
 

[bliz]

My parents were and are extremely social. Always had a ton of friends and in with the in crowd.  They still have a very active social life.  I think where it harmed me was the narcissism related to "better to look good than feel good", the denying of feelings if it was going to rock the boat and the social pressure to conform.

[Brigid]

This is an interesting post.  My parents were very social when I was growing up--to the extent that it was much more important than their children.  My father was always the bigger partier and my mother just went along with it.  They rarely had people to our house as my mother hated to cook and entertain.  Like Selkie, in their later years, my father hung out at the bar with his buddies and my mother stayed at home.  After my father died, my mother had virtually no friends and did not socialize at all.  She also did not like to pick up the phone and make plans or even talk.  She had no girlfriends and in fact, many times said that she did not enjoy the company of women and much preferred to be around men (I think it made her feel adored).  By the time she died, there were no friends left to even call and tell.  My father treated his friends much better than he treated his family.  I found out from his friends that he was the life of the party and always telling jokes.  This was certainly not the man I knew.  I shared this with my therapist some time ago and he said that happens so frequently in dysfunctional homes.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

My N-Mom pushed my shy Dad into a very active social life and as a couple, they had tons of friends for 50 years. After he died, she was reduced to a few loyal women friends. But she makes critical remarks about them constantly, usually about their appearance. She acquired a new friend a few years ago, an overbearing knowitall. The irritation was too much for Mom (they are too much alike) so she intentionally offended her so now she's down to one friend. Plus her gentleman friend, whom she sees every week. (She LOVES men, just sparkles when they're around...and I'd better keep mum and get out of the way, by the way.) She will not do humble things like go to the local Senior Center for activities (they actually have fantastic programs) because she doesn't like rubbing elbows with "just anyone". So she's become more isolated. She is still sooo charming though that she has a surprising number of periodic visitors. She'll be 95 next month.

I don't think either of my parents had truly intimate friends. They were nearly fused. I felt hugely critical of that 4-legged creature thing for a long time, then finally accepted that he muted her worst traits and she amplified his best. On balance, I think they were happy. But I know my Dad was at times very wistful, and after he died she mentioned to me over and over that she wished she'd been more affectionate to him. On some level, she recognizes there's an empty spot in her. She loved him as much as she was capable of though. I think they were each other's partner to such a degree that friends were to do social things with, but not confide heart issues in. That was also generational, there just wasn't any encouragement to bare your soul with other people in an intimate way.

Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

I am finding this really interesting... thanks for replying.

My bio dad had loads of friends in his younger years.  We always had his mates coming to the house and when he was with his ex girlfriend (who was only 6 years older than me, did I tell you that?), he was very popular.  He loved CB radio too and would spend hours chatting to his mates on that.  He used to be so proud of having such a young girlfriend (however she was 15 and he was 37 when they met!) and she was often mistaken for me.  She was raped at knifepoint when she was 13 and dad was very young for his age, used to dress young etc, however I still think she may have been looking for a father figure.  She went into care work and he said that it got too much for her to care for the residents at work and then come home and look after him (especially as he was quite capable of doing things for himself).  He used to tell me about their sex life (I was about 11 at the time) and how he waited until she was 16 and it was legal.  When I was 17, several times he tried to set me up with his friends who were a lot older than me.

My stepdad had lots of friends at work, a few who still come to see him now he's medically retired, however him and Mum were never into the social scene.  It was like they didn't have friends so I should have friends either.

It never ceases to amaze me how different they were.

[Hopalong]

Iggggghhh, H& H, honey!
Your biodad gives me the serious CREEPS.
My god, on some level he wanted to pimp you and he certainly sexualized you. 
I am sick at heart that he was so inappropriate. And that he did not have the fierce protective father instinct (with boundaries) that was your birthright.

One way I can relate a little tiny bit was seeing my brother leer at my daughter and make a woo-woo sort of lecherous remark...I stood up to him and said my daughter is NOT something to leer at and she is not a sexual object. He was pretty stunned and backed it off.

Gives me the shivers to think how you must've felt with that creepy man telling you things, laying burdens of awareness on you, that you should NEVER have been asked to carry. Never ever!

Bravo even more for how sane you are.
Hopalong

[miss piggy]

This is interesting!

My dad didn't have friends, he had "contacts".  Now he is depressed because he no longer has an audience (at a distance of course) to pay attention to him. 

My mother has friends that my dad disparages as "salt of the earth" (beneath him of course).  A daughter of a friend committed suicide and my dad's response was "well, your mother feels we ought to attend the funeral" clearly indicating he wanted no part of it and was mentally distancing himself.

My parents did not invite neighbors over much until we kids were grown.  There was no having families over together.  We did try a joint vacation, but my dad just couldn't handle it and criticized all the other kids.  He just doesn't accept other people.  Period.  I don't think he is really aware that the only time he is motivated to spend time with other people is to put money in his pocket (ie business reasons).  My oldest brother is this way as well.  We are not a generous people.  Entertaining means spending money on other people.

My mother has friends and my father doesn't and he is quite jealous about this for two reasons.  He's a competitive SOB.  And the friends are competitors for my mother's attention.  They "take" her away from him.  He is a big baby.  It is interesting now to watch and listen to how they interact with my new awareness of how this might have affected me growing up.  She has a lunch every year during the holidays for a small group of close friends.  Now that he's home retired, he makes a big fuss about how they might intrude on his stuff in his home office and generally making a big noise about how uncomfortable he's going to be letting them into his space. 

He does have school friends who contact him to ask how he is doing.  He is now so depressed he will not take the calls even though he wants them to call!  He will not call them.  He is just a weirdo.  My H can't believe how I turned out "so well" considering what I was up against with my dad's all-consuming emotional needs.  If you have read the "spending too much time alone" thread, then you know that I continue to be puzzled about the care and nurturing of friends and their place in my own life. 

Thanks for starting this thread H&H.  It is helpful to observe what was modelled for us.  Yes, your bio dad is/was pretty "out there" too with his relationship with girls, er, women.  Your initial post about your dad's friend is also illuminating because it shows how people outside the family can have a different experience with the very person that makes hell for their family members.  It is very kind of your dad's friend to acknowledge the truth of this to you. 

Take care, MP

[longtire]

H&H, my dad knew many people around town, but didn't have any real friends that I know of.  My parents do have a group of couples from church they are friends with.  That is pretty much the only people they spend any time with and usually involves eating.  My mother has some old friends from childhood in the area, but usually only sees them when her sister or someone else comes to town.

More importantly, I am struggling with the same issues in my own life right now.  Occasionally, I get a flash of feeling really good, and I can be witty, funny and tell a good story.  Most of the time I feel too heavy and tired to do this.  Realizing that helps me feel better.  I hope that one day when I don't feel heavy and tired I will just naturally have the energy to be more outgoing.  I used to be an outgoing introvert, but I'm not sure what I am anymore.  Like Selkie, I tell myself that I'm spending too much time alone, but at the same time, I know I NEED this time to heal, recover and just be me without having the pressure of someone else's anger and blame squeezing me into a little protective ball.  I am going through a huge amount of change right now.  I sure would like someone here in the flesh to just be myself with, whatever that is.  At the same time I understand that it is hard for me to reach out or even know who to reach out to right now in the middle of everything changing.

I'm concerned that the stuff above may actually be the easy stuff for me.  My parents did not model how to have friends or be a friend.  They didn't tell stories or have much interaction, even with family.  I do have a couple of friends that I can discuss deeper issues like this with and they do the same with me.  But, they don't come over to my house and I don't go to theirs.  I'm not sure how to get over this hump.  I'm afraid that being around them or opening up my house will be overwhelming and I will feel miserable or invaded and not have a good time after all.  I'm taking baby steps with some other friends who I am not as intimate with by going to their houses and having them over to mine, albeit for more structured, collaborative, task-oriented events.  There is still plenty of time to socialize.  I guess that's a start.  I do worry about how much time and energy is taken up by healing right now.  I think it is a good sign that I have gotten past so many other issues that I am putting time and thought into how I can have more friends and more social contact.

I know I can "do" friends because I used to be outgoing and funloving.  My parents house used to be the center of our social group.  I really want to get back to that.  That actually *feels* like the real me, not where I am right at the moment.  I know that I was so ashamed about allowing my wife to be abusive to me that I hadn't wanted anyone to come over to my house for a very long time.  I've stopped concentrating on her.  I've stopped concentrating on "us."  I've been concentrating on myself, and look forward to concentrating on "me and my friends" one day soon.

[October]

One way I can relate a little tiny bit was seeing my brother leer at my daughter and make a woo-woo sort of lecherous remark...I stood up to him and said my daughter is NOT something to leer at and she is not a sexual object. He was pretty stunned and backed it off.

Good for you, Hops. 

I read once, forget where, that a young girl learns about her own sexuality from her interactions with older male figures, especially within her family.  If they show respect for her integrity, and do not abuse any boundaries that exist, then that contributes to her forming a healthy sexual identity.  As part of that, it is good if they can admire her appearance, without following that through with sexual behaviour of any kind.  Like a healthy kind of dad saying; 'you look lovely, darling.'  (Never heard that myself, even on my wedding day.)

Part of this is before any notion of sexual identity (or should be!!) when the child is very small, and the father plays romping games.  If the child says 'stop' and the father consistently doesn't stop, that causes a great deal of harm in terms of her boundary formation.  I had this issue with my daughter and her dad when she was small, and it took a lot of 'explaining' to get him to understand that what he was doing was not funny, on any level.

[stayhuman]

hey,

Parents and friends is an interesting topic. My parents never really socialised or had friends. They had acquaitances and such but no real friends that they would invite round for a meal or just enjoy spending time with. 

I've realised that maybe I developed similar habits and only have one friend who I would consider as being someone I can call whenever I want and I know she will be there. I'm grateful for her though and I hope that I can develop more friendships like this. However, being quite young it is diicult to find people who are of a similar mind to me.

I think I never really realised the importance of friendship untill very recently. I always figured I was ok with not having them because it kept me 'safe'. I didn't realise that you also have to give alot to manintain good friendships.

I don't know exactly how much my experience relates to parents behaviour but I'm sure it is linked in some way. But it's all abou breaking patterns isn't it.

[Plucky]

Yikes Gail!

I'm beginning to think you could write a book!

Good topic H&H.   My mother used to have friends, but as she grew older and more unbalanced, they faded away.  She makes new ones and it goes very well for a time, but sonn there is a blowout and it's all over.   Even relatives are baffled by her and come to me for explanations.  I can't tell you how affirming that is for me.

I have trouble with friends.    When I was a young adult it went great.  But now that I am in touch with my issues and my past, I have major difficulties.

Plucky