What do you wish

[seasons]

your

[Healing&Hopeful]

To be honest, I wish my parents had given me the chance to be my own person.  You know Mini Me in Austin Powers, well, I was like that, Mini Mum!

As 15, I feel she's getting to an age where it's time for her to make her own mistakes to a point, being able to spread her wings, but as someone who's not had children, I feel it's probably not my place to say as I don't have any experience of raising kids.

Take care

H&Hxx

[stayhuman]

Heyllo,

As someone who lacks a feeling of self-worth I have a few ideas of what I think parents can do to help their child feel like they a valid place in the world.  Certainly, Listening is really important. I think sometimes it might be all too easy for the parent to get lost in their own world, so always being alert to your childs needs would be good.

 I also think that it has a negative effect if the parent is negative, and comes off as insecure. If it is true that a child learns their behaviour from the parent, then showing you are secure in yourself is really important. Love yourself!

I generally feel that if I'd had more physical affection as a child I would feel more comfortable around others now. Just feeling like you are loved for who you are. Acceptance.

One bad memory of my mother forcing me to put make up on before a family occasion really damaged my self-esteem I think.

But these are all pretty obvious, just sometimes the obvious needs reinforcing.

[Gail]

I think what I wish can be summed up as this, "I wish I had felt loved by my mother, not for any accomplishments, but just because I was her daughter."  More specifically, I wish she had  made sure I had enough clothes that fit, helped me with my grooming instead of calling me messy, been reasonable about normal childhood behavior, not told me I talked too much, been aware when I was in danger, not blamed a health problem I had on my personality (Hunh?), not screamed at me if I left a dish in the sink, asked me about my problems and then listened, told me to come to her first if I had a serious problem, showed appreciation when I did chores instead of yelling at me that they weren't done right, made my friends welcome, relaxed more, and shown me happiness and joy.   I wish my dad, who I did feel loved me, had been home more instead of so focused on his business and recreation, had been a better example as far as alcohol use went, shared his own struggles growing up, and protected me from my mother.

[Hopalong]

(((((((Gail))))))))
I wish you'd had all that too.
Such tremendous clarity about it all.

I hope that is some comfort to you now: you're such an astute person, an acute, honest and realistic observer. These are perhaps some of the "gifts" left behind from that parenting. Well, that's hogwash (sorrow doesn't feel like much of a gift, does is). It's probably more some miracle genes in you, plus your own strength and courage, that let you grow up with such a solid mind.

Hopalong

[Brigid]

seasons,
I could wish all I want that I had been loved as a child, but it would never be so.  What I did learn was what I wished for and didn't have was painful and I would never do that to my own children.  Having my own children completed me in many ways and allowed a great deal of filling of the big empty hole of love and attachment.

I believe that I have a fantastic relationship with my almost 21-year-old son and 17-year-old daughter.  I have always supported them, been very active in their activities, have stayed connected to their schools in whatever way possible, known their friends and their friends' parents, and made it clear what my expectations were about drinking, drugs, sex and whatever other issues they would face as teenagers. I tell them I love them nearly every day, hug them as often as possible and let them know that I will always be there for them no matter what.  Neither of them has ever seriously disappointed me or even made me angry.  We can talk about most anything and they know I will not freak out if they tell me something I might not want to hear.  I have always left the channels of communication open and not judged them.  I thank God every day for how blessed I am to have such wonderful kids.  I do not know how much of it is them and how much of it is me, but we have made a great team and I really love being a mom.

Brigid

[Healing&Hopeful]

seasons,
I could wish all I want that I had been loved as a child, but it would never be so.  What I did learn was what I wished for and didn't have was painful and I would never do that to my own children.  Having my own children completed me in many ways and allowed a great deal of filling of the big empty hole of love and attachment.

I believe that I have a fantastic relationship with my almost 21-year-old son and 17-year-old daughter.  I have always supported them, been very active in their activities, have stayed connected to their schools in whatever way possible, known their friends and their friends' parents, and made it clear what my expectations were about drinking, drugs, sex and whatever other issues they would face as teenagers. I tell them I love them nearly every day, hug them as often as possible and let them know that I will always be there for them no matter what.  Neither of them has ever seriously disappointed me or even made me angry.  We can talk about most anything and they know I will not freak out if they tell me something I might not want to hear.  I have always left the channels of communication open and not judged them.  I thank God every day for how blessed I am to have such wonderful kids.  I do not know how much of it is them and how much of it is me, but we have made a great team and I really love being a mom.

Brigid

Brigid hon.... if we do have the chance to have children, I really hope that I have some of your parenting skills.  This is exactly what kind of parent I would like and how I'd like to be as a parent. xx

[Sallying Forth]

Love and respect.

[Brigid]

H & H,

if we do have the chance to have children, I really hope that I have some of your parenting skills.  This is exactly what kind of parent I would like and how I'd like to be as a parent. xx

This is far and away the nicest compliment you could give me.  Thank you so much. 

I'm not sure what you meant by "if we have the chance . . .", but there are many ways to become a parent.  I have one child that I gave birth to and one who was a gift from God who we adopted.  There is no difference and they are your children who you love with all your heart no matter how they enter your life.

The best advice I can offer regarding becoming a good parent is to look among your friends, family, business associates, whatever, and identify those you feel are doing a good job raising their children.  Let them become your mentors and help guide you through the many different phases of your children's lives.  You can also learn a lot from those who are not doing such a great job, and constantly struggling with keeping their children on track.  There is usually a corrolation between good kids and good parents and the opposite is usually true as well.  Just my 2 cents. 

Hugs and blessings,

Brigid

[mum]

I wish for nothing. My parents were wonderful...I could say I wish the whole Catholic church thing wasn't part of my life....and yet, my rejection of it IS part of who I am, and I like who I am, and so does (did) my parents. (Dad is deceased, Mom is close).
As far as BEING a good parent, I have a lot to say, but the bottom line is, if you are asking and wondering about it, chances are you are pretty good already....seriously.
I think parenting is pretty much the same as being a good person/and being loving in any relationship. First of all, get healthy yourself. Love yourself. Accept and embrance who you are with all your warts and scars.
LIVE well, so your children will know how to.
Listen more and talk less, suspending judgmental "listening", and putting the decision making responsibility on the children whenever appropriate, thus giving them a voice.  Ok, some things are up to the adult, obviously, but it never ceases to amaze me how powerful a child can feel if simply given a choice....and that choice is supported....like peas or carrots for dinner. 
I used to do this with my kids when they were young, and their N dad (my ex) would call me "Monty Hall ...as in "Let's make a deal".  However, now my teenagers have no voice with him at all, and I still help them see their options and make choices where they can, thus telling them they have power over their lives....and their opinion matters more than mine on MOST things. (but because they see my choices, it's not a surprise that we share similar values......).   This is not to say they have carte blanche while they are dependent upon me for guidance. I just think many parents take power from their children in small ways each day without knowing it.

DEMONSTRATE and model the life attitudes you value, because if you don't walk the talk, you are modeling dishonesty. Everyone learns more from examples than anything else.  Act from loving intention always, and when you act out of fear instead of love (IMO that is when we make poor choices)...own up to it.  I know as a teacher, kids respect an adult who admits to fallibility much more than someone who is all together. No one wants a superhero for a parent.
And if you do screw up: don't belabor it: the kids are not your peers OR your therapist.  They are students of life, and you are their main teacher.  Kids are also resilient, unless you train them to be victims.  If kids see us "move through" our trials....they will know it's possible for them too. 
BUT the most important part IS: have FUN. JOY is a manifestation of love.....FIND it in yourself, in life, in your kids....
This is what makes it easy for me to find joy....my parents were really good at finding it and pointing it out. A gratefulness of spirit in both of them...lifted all of us up.

[daylily]

Mum,

Wise words.  Your children are very fortunate.

I wish my parents had given me a belief that, through sustained effort, I could achieve a goal I had set for myself.  My mother's mantra for her children was, "You have so much potential.  What a pity you'll never make anything of yourself."  It was a uniquely debilitating family motto.  In my mother's world, anything good was luck and everything bad was earned.

Easier recognized than overcome, but I'm working on it.

daylily

[mum]

My mother's mantra for her children was, "You have so much potential.  What a pity you'll never make anything of yourself."  It was a uniquely debilitating family motto.  In my mother's world, anything good was luck and everything bad was earned.

Daylily. Talk about some really sad projection.  Let's rewrite that for your mom, shall we?
"You have so much potential. What a pity I have never made anything of myself. Since I did not, and cannot bear seeing my children actually realize their dreams, I will train you to doubt yourself and your abilities."

It's obvious by now, that you have written your own mantra and your own belief about manifesting dreams for yourself.
I wonder how that mantra goes....I bet it's a good one.
And this wonderful person, that you now are, grew from such neglected soil.........

So, Seasons, and everyone else.....we ALL have lucky kids....because we have all figured a few important things out (for ourselves sometimes....but we got it!!!)

[Chicken]

I wish my parents had encouraged my sense of self, if I do have kids, this will be something i will do...

I think it is absolutely VITAL